Spiritual Journeys, The End of a Marriage, & Finding Myself

In life; fear, pain, adversity, and turmoil are some of our greatest teachers, the problem is we are so focused on how shitty they make us feel that many times we fail to see the lessons hidden within them. We are so focused on how we were wronged, on what went or what can go wrong that we don’t see the strength we have gained from it. We are so busy blaming ourselves, blaming others, blaming life, blaming everything else that we close ourselves off from realizing that everything happens for a reason. So much of my own life was spent making decisions from a place of fear, from places of pain that I held myself back from truly going after what I wanted, I put myself in really dangerous situations, I stayed with people who didn’t deserve me, I didn’t go after my dreams or gave up on things I wanted. I spent so much of my life focusing on the adversities I have faced, on the turmoil I have experienced that I only ended up attracting more of it, which only made me feel worse about myself, about my life, about my choices. I spent so much of my life hating myself, being ashamed of my mental health, of my financial status, of my body, of so many things. I have lived my life making choices based off of my insecurities, off of my fears, off of the pain I have experienced.

I have closed myself off from those who just wanted to help me, while giving a home in my heart to those who only wanted to hurt me. I loved those who didn’t love me back, those who only sought to bring pain to me, those who sought to control me, those who saw me as flawed, as broken, and worthless. I spent so much time convinced that I was unworthy of love, of respect, of dignity, of kindness, and I projected those message to the world, and reinforced those beliefs with each partner, with each time I berated myself, with each time I allowed someone to hurt me, to speak down to me, to abuse me. With each time I forgave them for said transgressions, I was sending a clear message to the Universe that I am UNWORTHY, that I DO NOT VALUE myself, that it is OKAY to DISRESPECT ME. I have spent so many years scrutinizing every aspect of myself, that I am the reason my life is not where I want it to be, I am the reason I have attracted so many unworthy partners.

When one decides to go on a spiritual journey such as the one I have been on for the last few years, it will force you to look deep within, it will unleash truths you may not be prepared for, it forces you to take ownership over your life, over the choices you have made, over the decisions that have led you to this point. It forces you to face your fears, to get real, to get raw, to truly deal with all your demons. Spiritual journeys are not easy, nor are they for the faint of heart, but if you truly want to change your life, if you want to discover your own Unicorn Phoenix Goddess, if you want to be the best possible version of yourself, if you wish to no longer be controlled by your ego, it is essential.

I started this journey many years ago, but didn’t truly get serious about it until my soon to be ex husband and I separated. I was in such a dark place, I felt so broken, so lost, so confused. I felt like a total failure because once again I couldn’t make a relationship work. I was worse off in regards to my finances and health, than I had been in years, I had less direction than ever. During that relationship I compromised so much of myself, I changed beliefs I had held for years, I gave up my own voice, I became someone I didn’t recognize anymore, I became a shell of myself. I was so afraid to lose him, that I sacrificed my own identity, I was so afraid of being alone, that I gave him all of my power. The further I remove myself from that relationship, the more I realize how abusive it was, how detrimental it was to me at my very core.

For the first few months, I just kind of shut down, I went through the motions without ever truly feeling anything, I closed myself off from my friends, from the world, from the pain, I isolated and made besties with the darkness, I slipped further into my depression. Then, slowly I started reaching out, I moved out, I tried to move on, but I had still yet to deal with the emotions, with the pain, with the abuse, with all that had gone on during the marriage itself. For this past year, I put all the blame on him, especially with learning all that I have in recent weeks, but that’s not fair.

In the end, what went wrong with us is just as much my fault as it was his. I allowed him to treat me like that, I had myself so convinced that no one else would love me, that I deserved to be treated like that, that I had to put up with it, because he put up with me. I told myself this was the price I had to pay, because being with me is not always easy. It is just as much my fault because I didn’t stand up for myself, I made the choice to stay, even when things got bad, just as I have made the choice time and time again to allow him to take up so much of my thoughts, of my energy, of my self worth, of my outlook. I have been giving him power every time I talk about him with venom on my lips, every time I think of him with anger in my heart, every time I use his words to belittle and berate myself, every time I project my fears and insecurities from my time with him onto others.

That marriage and the aftermath of it, have been some of the most difficult things I have ever faced in my life, and that is saying something considering the amount of adversity I have faced, but with all that has come so many invaluable lessons. Lessons I wouldn’t trade for the world, with them I have found my true voice, I found my calling, I my life’s purpose, I finally figured out what sets my soul on fire. Through that marriage and the time since it has ended I have done major self development, I have finally connected with my higher self, I have figured out my worth, my value. I now have a much deeper understanding of what I do and do not want from my life, from my partners, I am no longer willing to settle for anything less than the love and respect I deserve, just because I want to be loved. I am no longer willing to silence my voice, to allow another to take center stage. I am no no longer willing to dim my own light to allow someone else to shine brighter.

 

As always,

HAVE A MAGICAL DAY MY BEAUTIFUL BADDASS UNICORN PHOENIX GODDESSES!

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