Our past, the relationship with our parents, with previous partners, with friends, with ourselves define so much of who we are, of who we become, it defines the ways in which we see ourselves, the ways in we speak about ourselves, the ways in which we perceive the world, the ways in which we interact with others, it becomes a part of our very soul. Many times these lead to deep seeded feelings of unworthiness, of being unlovable, of powerlessness, of fear, of so many terrible things. After time we start to believe these projections of the insecurities of others, the times we were abused, the times we were made to feel broken, made to feel invisible, made to feel like a burden, made to feel underserving, the times we were spoken down to, the times our power was stripped from us, all the horrible things we have endured become a part of our identity. We take all of that from relationship to relationship, from childhood to adulthood, from friendship to friendship, we allow it to define us, we lose sight of our value, we forget our magnificence, we dim our lights, we build up walls, we send the wrong messages to the Universe.
Feelings of unworthiness do not simply happen overnight, they are created from years of abuse, years of being told you are too much this or too much that, years of people tearing you down, years of people breaking you, years of harsh words, years of so much trauma, so much pain, so much turmoil. But, we have the POWER to change the effects of that, to break that cycle, to heal, to recover, and to discover our love for ourselves again. We have a choice to how long we allow that to control us. Life always presents us with choice and we as humans have this amazing thing called Free Will, which means at any point you can decide that enough is enough and choose to change. I am not saying this will be an easy journey, for undoing years of negativity, of anguish, of feeding yourself these lies will take time, it will require some serious work on your part, there will be set backs, and even when you have made progress, you will find moments where you still need to make improvements, but it can be done.
For me, it started with removing toxic people and toxic situations from my life, for I understood that as long as I kept myself in that sort of negative environment I would never truly be able to escape, I wouldn’t be able to grow, to change. Let me tell y’all that was not easy by any means, because it meant leaving my marriage, leaving my friends, leaving my family, leaving my entire life behind, it meant leaving what was left of my support system. In the weeks after I began cutting out the toxicity I could feel myself finally being able to breathe again, I could feel myself finding myself again, I could feel my fire starting to roar back to life, I could feel my power seeping back into me, this was of course little by little, but progress was still progress. As time progressed, I felt myself growing, I felt the vice grips that once suffocated me loosening, I could feel my inner goddess itching to be free. But I was SCARED, I was still so scared, to let her out, to step into my power, so I regressed back into my hole of self-loathing, of negative self-talk, and of self-sabotage. I wrapped myself up in a blanket of the lies I had been working so hard to forget, I allowed the demons I had fought so valiantly to regain their power positions, I took solace in the darkness and dimmed the light I had built, I allowed the weeds of self-doubt to take over my garden once more. I allowed myself to fall back into my old patterns, I let that vicious inner voice drone on and on for months, as I sank further into my castle of self-hatred, of feeling unworthy, of feeling sorry for myself.
You never truly realize how much all those words, all that you have endured affects you until it has taken over you, until you are sitting there alone at night bawling your eyes out, until you take time to stop and really listen the way in which you speak about yourself, until you pay attention to how you react when others compliment you, until you find yourself wanting so desperately to escape, but then running scared when you start to taste that freedom. But, I had to change, I knew it with every fiber of my being, I knew this was not who I truly was, I knew I had to face all the pain and really allow myself to work through it, I had to face the demons and slay them one by one once and for all, I had to stop speaking such venomous words about myself, I had to get comfortable with being myself, I had to and still have a lot of work to do.
With the toxic people and toxic situations behind me, with a newfound determination to face my fears head on, with a renewed vigor for true progress I delved into mantras, into journaling, into discovering myself. I trudged through the trenches of despair, hacked at the bushes of anger, and hiked the mountain of self-sabotage. When I arrived at the top, before me I saw all of my potential, all that I had forgotten, and all that I had yet to discover. Along the way I saw the strength I had gained from all I had endured, I found my voice amidst the screams and echoes of those who tried to silence me, I recited mantra after mantra until I started to believe them as reality, I realized all the amazing value I had to give to the world. I finally started to open my heart to love, to open myself up to the Goddess within, to be proud of who I was, of all that I had accomplished, of what I had to give.
For me, that realization hits me, a bit more each day, as I delve further into this journey of self-development, of self-love, of soul work. Each time I think I have worked through it, each time I feel like I have found my acceptance for myself, each time I think I have moved on, I have healed the wounds from my past, I am reminded that there is still work to be done. This is becoming especially evident in recent weeks, with all that I have been learning about people from my past, about myself, and with my current status in life. Each day I discover more stuff which I need to work through, I find areas where I still struggle with my worthiness. Yet, unlike before I refuse to run and hide, to make myself small, to fall back into my own patterns. Instead I choose to work through it, to deal with it, to change my mindset.
For the first time in my adult dating life and honestly, in my dating life as a whole, I have found and am with a partner who respects me, who sees all of me, who doesn’t judge me, who makes me feel worthy, who makes me feel beautiful, who makes me feel like what I say matters, who makes me feel intelligent, who makes me feel the way that so many others should have made me feel, but never did. I have a partner who sees the darkness within me, who experiences the mood swings that come with my battles with mental health diseases, who knows of the wounds of my past, and rather than shaming me for it all, rather than adding to my pain, rather than belittling me, he instead embraces it. He allows his light to shine on my darkness, he gives me understanding and patience when my mood fluctuates, and he caresses my wounds with words of comfort, of empathy, of healing. I am lucky, but I also know that the reason he came into my life when he did, is because I changed the way in which I view myself, the way in which I speak to and about myself, the message I send to the Universe.
This is of course not to say, that I do not still struggle with those feelings, but rather that I now have the tools and support to deal with them when they come up. The entire reason this post came about was because some of those insecurities, of those feelings of unworthiness came rearing their ugly heads during the end of our conversation last night. He did nothing wrong, but the wounds of our past are not so easily forgotten. They still plague me, as we get further into our relationship, as I adjust to actually being treated with respect in a relationship. To me, the ways in which he treats me are so foreign to me, I am unware of how to react, of how to handle it, I still find myself looking for something wrong, questioning everything, fearing getting to close. But, I do realize he is sincere in his affections for me, he truly does love and respect me, so instead of allowing them to win as I have so many times before, instead of silencing my feelings, I was honest with him and myself about how I was feeling and decided to write it all out, so that I could work through it, so that I could overcome it, so that it wouldn’t consume me. Now here we are at the end of the post and I feel in a much better place than I did when I first started this post. I realize these feelings will always be a part of me, but at the end of the day I know my value, my worth, and I honestly do love myself, and I take great comfort in knowing that I have someone who loves me too…
My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!