If y’all caught yesterday’s post then you know that I had been in a relationship that unfortunately has ended. During our brief time together that man made me feel such wonderful things, made me feel things no one had yet to make me feel, made me fall pretty quick and hard for him. Yet, more than that he gave me back something I had lost during my abusive marriage, during many of my previous relationships. He gave me back my belief in myself, in my value, in my worthiness, in my capacity to not only give but also to receive love. Our time together may not have been very long, but as I said in the previous post I will be forever grateful for it and I will love him always because of all that I received.
Yet, here is the one thing I struggle with, the one thing I see so many struggle with, men and women alike, but definitely more woman than men. It is something I have struggled with myself for many years. It is this strong desire to be the BADASS INDEPENEDENT WOMAN who ALSO has a LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, PARTNER. Yet, so many times it seems that people have this antiquated view that you cannot have both, that you must choose between yourself or having the partner and/or family you may be dreaming of. WELL once again I CALLL BULLSHIT on that.
It is not a matter of CHOOSING OURSELVES over LOVE…
It is not a matter of LOSING our independence to ANOTHER…
It is not a matter of GIVING UP OUR POWER to our PARTNER….
It is not a matter of SILENCING OUR VOICE to be lower than our SIGNICANT OTHER
It is not a matter of DIMMING OUR LIGHTS so that others may SHINE BRIGHTER….
But rather it is about UNDERSTANDING
Understanding that LOVE is the most POWERFUL CREATOR of all.
Understanding that one can have BOTH a DEEP LOVE for themselves as well as for another.
Understanding that we are not choosing, nor are we losing, but rather we are GAINING so very much.
Understanding that with the right person, our light will shine brighter, our voice will ring deeper, our message heard by more.
Understanding that we are not in any sort of way obligated to have a partner, but if you want one you can still be a BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN.
All that being said, for me right now, what I must learn to do, is to first become that BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN. For, I am a serial relationship person, I do not do casual, nor are flings really my thing. I am the type to catch feelings pretty quick, which is of course exacerbated by my abilities to feel everything so deeply as a side effect from my battles with my mental health, as well as being an empath. Yet, I have never taken the time to foster that deep and intrinsic connection with myself. I have spent so much of my life in relationships, most of which were incredibly toxic, that I do not know how to be with myself, I do not know how to love, to appreciate, to accept myself. I have spent so many years forming my beliefs around myself, around my value, around my worth, based off of the ways in which my partners saw me, based off the partners I was or was not attracting. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I saw myself as unworthy, as unlovable, I found myself desperately seeking out any sort of partnership , no matter how wrong that person may or may not have been for me, I ignored warning signs & red flags, nor did I head the comments of others. I did all this so that I could feel valid, so that I could feel wanted, needed, loved. I did this because without a partner I saw myself as useless.
Society, has taught us that as woman that without a MAN (We still have a ways to go with accepting those who choose nontraditional partners, and I have had both male and female partners. The struggle is real and not based off gender either) we are LESS THAN, that we are somehow INFERIOR, that our value, our worth, or very existence is determined by and for the sole purpose of catching and keeping a man, of reproducing…. We are so brainwashed into believing that without said man we are somehow defective, that we are somehow broken. This then fosters an unhealthy need to find satisfaction, to find our worth, to find love from outside sources rather than from within. This sets women up to find love with partners who seek to control them, rather than help them grow, with partners who wish to take away their power rather than embrace it, with partners who seek to silence them rather than give them the mic in which to speak. We seek companionship in all the wrong places because we are not first taught how to love ourselves, we are not taught that our identity is not defined by a man or a lack thereof. We are not taught how to be strong, how to be independent, how to be BADASS, but rather we are taught that men prefer weakness, that no one wants an opinionated woman, that we must be meek, we must be our partners subservient rather than their equal. We are taught to seek out flaws in others, especially other women, we are taught that life is a competition, that we must step on others to get ahead. We are taught that our power doesn’t matter more than that of a man, that our dignity and sexuality is far less important than a man. We raise women to believe so little in themselves than admonish and shame them when they stay with abusive partners, when a man takes advantage of them, or when heaven forbid they try to break free from those expectations, when they do not want a family, nor do they need a partner to feel satisfied. We need to change that rhetoric….
Yet, being in a relationship was no more healthy for me than being out of one, as I gave all of myself to my partners, I allowed many of them to control me, to dictate my every thought process, to change me at my very core, I allowed them to change deep beliefs. I only saw myself as beautiful for as long as they did, my value was determined by the time and attention they were giving to me. When in a relationship, I give my partner unlimited love and support, many times at the detriment of myself, of my hopes, of my dreams, of my values, and of my feelings. I spend so much time uplifting them, of making them comfortable, of helping them achieve their dreams, that my own become a distant memory. Then next thing I know, they’re moving on with their lives and I am far worse than I was to begin with. So much of my identity has been defined by my partners that much of it is taken from me with the parting of each of them. In a relationship, I am no longer myself, but rather an extension of my partner.
Now is the time I RECLAIM my POWER as A WOMAN…
Now is the time I FOSTER my SELF-LOVE as a WOMAN
Now is the time I MAKE MYSELF the PRIORITY
Now is the time I DETERMINE & DEFINE my VALUE
Gone are the days of ALLOWING others to DICTATE my WORTH
Gone are the days of GIVING my ALL to those who sought to ABUSE IT
Gone are the days of FORGETTING all that I OFFER
Gone are the days of HELPING others grow, while putting myself LAST.
When the time is right, I shall put myself back out there, I shall find the partner who is worthy of me, of all that I have to offer, but for now I must focus on myself, I must ensure that I do not follow the same path I have for so many years now. All that I have been through, has not changed my belief or my desire to find true love, but has rather given me a deeper understanding of what true love actually means.
My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!