Very few people know this but for the last few weeks, I had been seeing someone, it was someone I never in a million years thought I would have any sort of chance with, it was someone from my past, it was the boy from high school (you know, the one that you had the massive crush on, but never actually tell them, the one you always wondered about), someone who had frequently been on my mind throughout the years, someone who I always felt drawn to. While things may not have worked out as either of us had intended or had hoped they would, I do not regret our time together, no matter how brief it may have been. I do not regret the feelings I now have for him, the things that I said, or the things I did. I will never regret the time we spent together, not just because I don’t believe in regrets, but because he helped me, in so many unimaginable ways.
For, it was through him, through this relationship I gained so much more than either of us could’ve expected. He showed me a love and respect, I had yet to receive from a partner in the past. He made me feel beautiful, brilliant, and important, where so many others had made me feel broken, made me feel inferior, made me feel like I was the last priority for them. He helped to show me that, despite the ways in which my ex-husband made me feel, the ways in which he broke me, the ways in which he made me believe no one else would love me, it was not only possible for me to find love again, but to find it with someone who was worthy of me and all that I have to offer. He showed me that I am not defined by the words, by the feelings, by the lies of my ex, but rather by the ways in which I have persevered, the ways in which I have taken all that I have endured and turned it into inspiration for others, he showed me that while I am far from perfect, I do not have to be. He showed me that I am worthy of so much more than I had ever realized, he showed me that I can find happiness, that I can attract the “right” partner. He gave so much to me in our very brief time together and for that I will be forever grateful, for that I will always love him.
While I am so very sad that it ended, I understand the reasons behind it, I do not fault or blame him for ending it as we both have some work to do on ourselves. I see the validity in the points in which he made, I see the work that we must both do. I am also a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it shall be, I do not believe in endings, as you never know where life may take you. He and I have found our way back into each other’s lives many times over the last several years to some capacity or another, I do not think there will ever be a point when we are not a part of each other’s lives to some degree or another. This is also not me saying that I am holding out hope for any sort of reconciliation or a future between us, but merely that I am not closing myself off to that possibility, nor am I opposed to it. What I do know is that while I may be exponentially better than I was a year or even 6 months ago, there is still much work to be done. I am still dealing with the fallout from my marriage, from the ending of it (heck we are still going through the divorce right now). I need to finish finding my voice, finding my identity, finding my independence. I need to finish getting comfortable just being with myself, with loving myself. I want to make sure that when I do find my next partner, I do not allow them to define me, to change me (at least not at my core, as some change is both good and needed at times). I want to make sure I do not allow my value or worth to depend upon them or the time and attention they do or do not give to me. I want to make sure that my life, my heart, my soul, are all where I want them to be. I want to make sure that when the time is right, I am able to attract the partner who is not only right for me, but also worthy of me as I am right and worthy of them.
I will say this though, that man will make some woman very happy one day and she will be incredibly lucky, as I got but a glimpse of what he is like to have as a partner and it was amazing. He has a lot to offer the world and I cannot wait to see him share his brilliance with the world. If he gives his next partner even a fraction of the love, the support, the understanding he gave to me, she will be the happiest person in the world. I wish nothing but the best for him, for his future, for wherever life may take him. I know that he will go very far in this life. As will I.
The ending of this has also confirmed something to me I have been debating for a few months now, I must head back up North, at least for a little while, not permanently. This is not something I am a particular fan of, as I have little desire to go back there, but I understand the necessity for it. There are many doors I must close, chords I must cut, goodbyes I must say in order to finally be able to close the book on my life up there. I know as long as I still have things that bind me to there, I will never truly be able to move on with my life, I will never fully manifest my desires because I will still be holding onto the past. I also know it is not enough for me to simply say I am done with it, I must physically go up there to gain the closure I not only seek but also need. Much of my stuff is still scattered about between my storage unit, my ex’s, and a few other places plus my ex and I must finalize our divorce and I would much prefer to be present for the whole process as I no longer trust things will be as amicable as we had originally hoped. When I left Jersey, my intention was not to move, at least not right away. I was only supposed to visit my friend in Georgia, then go back to Jersey, finalize my divorce, say goodbye to my friends, to my family, and move with my stuff to my next destination wherever that was to be. Yet, instead I wound up moving there, with very little of my stuff, with never having said goodbye to anyone, and my marriage in a weird state of confusion. So soon is the time for me to do this the right way, the way I should have from the beginning.
I know in my heart that while I love Florida, I love the life I have created here, I love the woman I have become here, I must return to Jersey. Where I go after that is up in the air as well, as much as I love Florida, I do not feel it is my forever home. What I do know is, these next several months are about me, about truly gaining my independence, about gaining real closure, about moving on with my life. My vow to myself here and now is to spend the next several months, just being with myself, learning to love myself rather than looking for that love within a partner, learning to accept myself rather comparing myself to others. My vow is that I will give myself the time and the space to truly heal, to move on, to become the best possible version of myself, to do the soul work I need to do. My vow to myself is that I will foster such a deep love for myself that it will not be shaken or shattered by the thoughts or opinions of others. My vow is that I will spend much needed time on retrospection, on growth, on the things in which I always put on the back burner. My vow is that I will make myself, my health, my life, my soul, my work, my self-care my biggest priority. My vow is to make me the primary focus for once.
My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!