As part of this new journey I am on, where I am focusing on loving myself completely, there is one area in which I struggle with greatly. That would be SEX & MASTURBATION. Masturbation has always been a very sort of taboo subject, especially for women to discuss, but it was never one I shied away from. I had always been very open about my sexuality, about my likes, my dislikes, about my masturbation habits. To me, sex and masturbation are perfectly natural and we all do it or want to do it (unless of course you’re are Asexual, in which case you don’t feel the same inclinations we do. Which there is nothing wrong with either, as we all have our preferences), but society is still very much hush hush about sex and masturbation. It weird though, because I am still very open about my sexual fantasies, my masturbation, and all that extra curricular activity, but the actual act of masturbation has changed so much for me over the last several years as has the pleasure I derive from it.
Sex for me has always been a bit of a complicated endeavor, as I am the type who cannot get off without an emotional connection to my partner. Yet, masturbation for me was never really a struggle, that part was always easy for me. I loved it, I relished in pleasuring myself, in connecting with myself, in bringing myself to climax. I loved exploring my own body, I loved touching myself, I loved every aspect of masturbation. I loved getting new toys, loved trying new methods, loved the art of discovery. I remember a point in my life when I didn’t need the assistance of toys (albeit, I enjoyed them, but they weren’t essential to my pleasure), of partner filled fantasies, of videos, of all this other stuff to get me aroused. To me, masturbation was the best part of my day. It helped to relieve stress, it helped me sleep, helped me to wake up in the morning, it helped me with so many different things. I will openly admit that I masturbate at least once a day, if not many times most days. Masturbation has always been an essential part of my daily routine, but it doesn’t bring me the same levels of pleasure it once did. Something happened in the last few years to me and now I just cannot seem to gain any sort of real lasting pleasure without assistance of some sort. Even when I do gain pleasure, it isn’t the same as it was, it is such a struggle and it never really lasts that long, and I certainly don’t climax. Some of the things that kills me the most is all my sexual fantasies involve a partner of some sort, is that my own fingers do nothing for me anymore, and my toys barely do anything. I am really good at sexting and if I choose to masturbate while sexting, then I can generally get myself off pretty damn well, but when it is just me with myself, no fantasy, no messages, no pictures I cannot get the job done. Somehow along the way I became so focused on pleasing my partners, so stuck on the idea that true pleasure could only come from a partner that I forgot how to please myself. I forgot what felt good, what felt right, what my own touch felt like, I forgot what it was like to be the one who made my vagina wet.
Now, most times when I masturbate I hardly ever even get wet, which had never been an issue for me in the past. During these last several years, I have been put through the ringer emotionally and physically and all of that has taken a serious toll on who I am at my core. Where I once found so much enjoyment from masturbation, now I am so self-conscious that I can’t truly get into it. Where I once was able to take myself all the way to climax with my fingers, now my fingers feel foreign to me, they feel unsure, they feel almost disconnected. This struggle has left me feeling broken, discouraged, and dissatisfied, and quite frankly frustrated and fed the fuck up. Men do not realize how dang easy they have it when it comes to masturbation or the struggle that we women face. Masturbation doesn’t hold the same joy it once did for me, but I want to get back to the woman I was before all this, the woman who was unapologetically herself, the one who enjoyed pleasuring herself, the one who had a deep connection to her higher self.
I know much of my struggles comes from the fallout from my abusive marriage, as that rocked me to my very core. It was not physically abusive, but emotionally, and during that time I lost all myself, lost my confidence, my voice, my power, my everything. It has been a long journey over this past year plus to put the pieces back together, to find myself, to reclaim my power, to silence the voices he created. I also know much of it comes from this insane idea that I must have a partner to climax. Which is beyond ridiculous I know, but at this point I am unsure how to retrain my brain to believe otherwise. I used to be a pretty dominate take charge kind of personality, especially in the bedroom, and I have always much preferred the more dominate roles, but that marriage took that from me. It turned me into someone meek, someone unsure of themselves, someone who questioned every aspect of who they were. I want to regain my power, my presence, my confidence.
I am on a mission.
I am on a mission to reclaim my SEXUAL POWER, to be able to PLEASURE MYSELF again. A mission that will help me to reconnect with myself, that will help me to manifest my desires, a mission that will help many different aspects of my life. I know that when we, especially as women, embrace and are unapologetic about our sexuality amazing things happen. I am on a mission to pleasure myself without the use of outside sources, tools, or anything. It is my mission to be able to get myself off using only my fingers and to rebuild that connection and that deep understanding I had with my body.
My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day!