Anorexia is a war I have been fighting for many years now, one that I will fight for the rest of my life. Even in the moments when it seems like I am not fighting, it is always there in the background.
Watching Netflix’s To The Bone really brought to light how much misinformation still exists when it comes to anorexia and those who are afflicted by it. Watching the stepmom in it, at many times infuriated me, because she was so clueless, she was constantly making it all about her, everything she was doing was ALL wrong. It reminded me so much of the people I have encountered in my life, the ways in which they treated me. I applaud Netflix for so accurately showing the ways in which people act towards those who suffer from anorexia.
This movie did more than bring light to that issue though, as for me it also forced me to admit something I had been trying to deny for a little bit now. Watching this movie, I realized that I could no longer deny the fact that my own battle with anorexia had started again. As much as I wanted to pretend like I was eating enough, like it was just because I was too tired or too this to make myself enough food, I know those are all just excuses. With my anorexia and having it as long as I have, it is no longer a conscious decision to starve myself. I spent so many years as an anorexic that not eating became second nature to me. That is what has made my battle with it so very difficult. It will take someone else saying something or some sort of outside source to help me realize that my anorexia is back.
When my ex husband and I separated I thought for sure my anorexia would flare up, but it didn’t. While I wasn’t eating as much as I should’ve been it wasn’t because of my anorexia but rather due to the fact that I didn’t have access to enough food. I was so proud of myself for not falling back on my anorexia to control the waves of emotions I had been feeling in the time since we separated.
When I moved to Florida my eating habits got even better as I was eating 3 meals a day, plus snacks many days. This was HUGE for me, because I truly believed in my heart and soul I had finally WON my war with anorexia. I was ELATED that this nearly 20 year battle was over… OR SO I THOUGHT.
Then a few days before my 30th birthday I was informed of many lies and betrayals, I was devastated by news from my best friend. In the weeks that followed my birthday, my heart was shattered, my trust demolished, my world crashed. I was put through such a rollercoaster of emotions; I had no idea how I was even going to deal with it all. With all this going on my brain did what it always did, tried desperately to gain control, but that was not so easy with everything going on, so it took over my eating habits once again. I went from eating so much to maybe 2 times a day, to once a day, or not at all. It would be nearly 10 pm and I would realize that I hadn’t eaten anything all day or the last time I ate was when I had woken up, but then I would tell myself it was too late to eat or I wasn’t hungry or I was too tired. This has been the case for some time now and it sucks.
But, now I realize and am no longer in denial, so as discouraged as I am that my anorexia has flared up, I am going to be heading back to therapy, making a conscious effort to eat at least 2 times a day, while also drinking high protein smoothies, and I have people keeping me accountable. I do not want to go back to the days of being 5’ 7” and barely weighing 90lbs. I don’t want to go back to the days of constantly being sick and tired because my body was so malnourished. I don’t want to go back to the days of passing out from lack of sustenance.
In the time since I separated from my ex husband I have done a ton of self-development work and this is but another step in the journey to loving myself completely, into becoming the woman I am supposed to be.
My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day