Why I didn’t Report It….

People don’t report it because of B.S. like yesterday’s hearing, because of the weeks leading up to it, because in this society we seek sympathy for the attacker while simultaneously trying to discredit the victim and putting them on trial.

People don’t report it because rarely is justice served, especially if said person is in a position of power, a celebrity or athlete, or of “good moral standing” (basically rich white boys).

People don’t report because boys will be boys ( which apparently means they do not have to be taught to control their urges), because people change and they were just teenagers, she was dressed inappropriately, because “no” isn’t really no, because we don’t value consent, because they were under the influence, because they hooked up or kissed before.

People don’t report it because they are ashamed (being assaulted makes you feel dirty, makes you feel so many tumultuous emotions, no matter how many showers you take or how hard you scrub you can never wash it away, trust me I have tried), they are wracked with guilt (freezing is very common and the guilt of not being “strong” enough to stop it is very real and very hard to come to terms with), many times their safety is threatened, as mine was one of the times I was raped, I was told to shut up and be quiet or else he would go shoot my cousins in front of me and still rape me, he held a gun to my head.

I didn’t report any of the attacks after my first one because I never got justice.

My father molested me when I was 9, we sought justice, but because I was far too traumatized to speak at his trial he got to plea bargain and hardly served anytime in jail. We are talking he got out in less than 4 months because of “good behavior.” For months afterwards I had nightmares, I had to sleep with my mama, I checked every door and window several times to ensure they were locked, I was convinced it was my fault, it was because I wasn’t a boy (he always wanted me to be a boy, told me as much and cut my hair and dressed me up like a boy, even after my brother was born.) I was so traumatized and that incident as well as the ones which have preceded it have had a dramatic impact on every facet of my life, but especially my romantic and physical/sexual relationships.

So the first time my cousin assaulted me,he forced me to give him a hand job, tried to do more, but he only stopped because my other cousin saw and because I broke down asking him why he was doing this to me (this was within a year or so of my dad molesting me.) We never pursued it because I didn’t want to go through another trial, the first one was traumatic enough, because we chalked it up to childhood curiosity, because I didn’t want my family to hate me.

The second time when he raped me the morning of my mother’s wedding, I told no one… for years I kept it a secret. I was getting ready to leave for the Navy in a few weeks (I had worked my whole life to enlist, signed up for 8 years right off the bat and everything), I didn’t want to go to a trial, I didn’t want to have to recount that morning/night (it happened between 3 and 4 am) over and over again, I didn’t want to remember that morning, I just wanted to forget, I wanted to get away, to get as far away as I could. I wanted to go somewhere that he couldn’t touch me. The military could also give me the knowledge and ability to protect myself better (a definite bonus, although not my reason for enlisting)
While away at basic I had a massive nervous breakdown while there and ended up having to leave. I ended up losing out on my lifelong dream of being in the military, I had to choose to walk away from something I had spent my life working for, because I knew that I needed to process the trauma and wasn’t willing to risk my own life or the life of my fellow sailors (did not want to have a flashback during an important mission.) I had compartmentalized the whole attack which I thought would be enough, but the military is designed to break you physically and mentally and it shattered the fortress I had built around that fateful day. Losing the military nearly broke me, I lost a piece of myself that day, a piece I have yet to recover, I was devastated. It has been 13 years since I enlisted and not a day goes by that I do not wish things had turned out differently.

The only reason I broke down and told my mom, was because she had been thinking about allowing him to live with us. This was 2 years after the attack, 2 years of sitting in silence, 2 years of pretending like nothing had happened, 2 years of guilt, of shame, of flashbacks, 2 years after losing my whole world, 2 years of failed relationships, 2 years of a failed attempt at college, 2 years of so many emotions.

Even when I told her, we still decided to never take it beyond that point. My family had been through so much, I had been through so much, still I was trying to forget it ever happened. I wanted no one to know I had been violated, I wanted no one to know I had been weak, I wanted no one to know I was damaged goods once again….

Yet, even when he had a breakdown (while in the military himself, such ironic bullshit I lost my own chance to serve due to the trauma of his attacks, and yet, he who decided pretty much last minute to enlist unlike myself who worked my whole life for it, managed to serve quite a few years) and admitted to detectives that he raped me, I still received absolutely no justice, instead I was put through a year plus of hell while he changed his story, while I had to recount that night several times, while I spent my 25th birthday with a detective giving him every sordid detail from that night/morning, while many of my family turned on me (most still believe him over me). Because of the trial I was unable to go to my grandfather’s celebration of life ceremony, he was the most important person in my life, next to my mama, I still haven’t fully processed his death.

The others times before, between, and after those incidents, I didn’t report it because the justice system has proven over and over again they do not care about the victims. To me there was no point.

Traumas like this don’t just affect one part of your life, they weave their way into the deepest and darkest of crevices. Even when you think you have healed, you have processed it, you have moved on, it is ALWAYS there. They do not go away because of therapy, they do not go away after years, they are never forgotten, they become a part of you.

It is for those and so many reasons we don’t report it.

Unless you have been a victim you cannot begin to fathom the emotions that come with being assaulted.

Unless you have been violated on such a deep and personal level you do not understand the depths to which that shame, guilt, and fear can run.

Unless you have had someone make you feel dirty, weak, and like nothing more than an object you can never begin to grasp how that affects you for years, it leaves deep scars that will never heal. To this day, even after tons of therapy, writing about it, and having a very open discussion and dialogue about my own experiences I still feel all these emotions and more. I still get flashbacks, I can still feel their hands upon my skin. While it is better than it was, you never forget.

Even if you have experienced this, everyone processes trauma differently, it is not your right or your place to tell them how or when they should process their trauma. You do not get to decide their way of coping.

***TRIGGER WARNING- This section of this post may be very upsetting***

*

**

***

****

*****

******

********

*********

**********

*********

********

*******

*****

****

***

**

*

It was the summer of 2006, I had just graduated high school early, had returned home from spending a few months back home in California with my family, and was getting ready to leave for the Navy. Several of my family members were visiting because my mom was about to get married to my stepfather. It was supposed to be a happy time for us all, an occasion we could look back on with joy, but for me that joyous occasion has been tainted.

It was the morning of my mom’s wedding, somewhere between 3-4 A.M., my cousins and I had been up playing manhunt, hanging out, and just spending as much time together as we could. With my leaving for the military soon and us all living on opposite ends of the country, we valued the time we got to spend together. With the hours quickly dwindling until the big affair a few of my cousins decided to try and sleep, while the rest just hung out and relaxed in the house. With a lot on my mind from my moms pending nuptials to the love of her life to my leaving for the military in a few weeks and having just ended a relationship with my partner I had quite a bit on my mind. Sitting down just inside the tent where we would be having the reception for my moms wedding, I stared off at the pond, took a few deep breaths, and allowed myself to just relax and be in the moment. All thoughts of the Navy, of my partner and their drama, of the jitters for my moms big day drifted away as I sank further into a state of relaxation.

After several minutes my cousin, who was 3 sheets to the wind sat down next to me, sat down next to me. We sat there talking for several minutes after which he leaned in and tried to kiss me, I turned away, but he pushed my down onto my back, putting his full weight on top of me. I told him to stop, I fought back, I tried everything to get him off me. But he had at least 50 lbs probably more on me and he was all muscle, I weighed maybe 100lbs. Pulling my pants off with his one hand, while his other had mine pinned above my head, he inserted his penis into me as he proceeded to rape me. Tears streaming down my face, I fought back with every ounce of myself, I thrashed around until finally I managed to slip out from under him. I scrambled to my feet, my pants and underwear still around my ankles, I tried to get away. He grabbed me by my ankles, yanking my feet out from under me, as I feel face first onto the ground. Mind you there is a small hill in my parents back yard, so it is already kinda difficult to go up without this. He flipped me over, pinning me down again, he went back at it. Again, I fought back with everything I had, and once more I managed to get away. But, that wouldn’t last as he grabbed me a 3rd time, slamming be back down on the ground nearly knocking me unconscious. This time he managed to keep his hold on me until he finished, although thankfully he didn’t finish inside me. When he was done, he just got up like nothing had happened, while I sat there in a crumpled heap, unsure of how to process this. The first 2 times were about 5-10 minutes before I managed to get him off me, the final time was over 15 minutes.

I just laid there for a few minutes trying to collect myself, because I didn’t want anyone to know what had just happened, I didn’t want to ruin my mom’s big day. I cleaned myself up, wiped the dirt and mud from me, wiped my tears away, gathered my strength and went back inside. I briefly stopped to talk to my other cousins, but then went to my room to finish collecting myself because my mom was getting married in only a few short hours and I wanted to make sure she had the best day possible.

The wedding went off without a hitch, I had to pose for picture with him, my family stuck around for a few more days, most of which I spent trying to avoid him, but not fully being able to because I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything. In the weeks after my moms wedding as the photos came back and we recalled that day, I had to put on a brave face whenever I saw his picture, or his name came up.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Taking Time To Myself

From August to the end of September, I tend to pull back from the world a bit. As those months are the times in which some of the most defining moments of my life have happened to me. It is during those months that many of the events that greatly influenced and shaped the woman I am today occurred. They are, for me, the hardest months of the year, they are the time when I tend to take some time for myself, when I give myself space and permission to reflect on all that I have been through in my life, they are the months in which I allow myself the space to continue to heal.

It was during these months that my father molested me (many moons ago now, but not something you ever truly forget), that I nearly died 2 years ago when my idiotic doctors once again messed up my medications (I had been on some pretty heave anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medications, in which I ended up going off cold turkey. This was one of many times they messed up my scripts and I was done, but it was a week utter hell as my body went through withdrawals. Even 2 years later I am still healing from this), it was during the months of August and September I have had some of my worst suicide attempts and when my uncle took his own life, and it was during the end of September that my cousin ended her life as well as when my grandfather (he was by far the most important person in my life, next to my mother. I am the woman I am today because of him and not a day goes by that I do not miss him) passed away. Each of these events have taught me so much about the value of life, about how precious life truly is, about how even those who are supposed to protect you from the monsters of the world may turn out to be the monsters themselves. All of this showed me a strength within, showed me that even when it feels like my whole world has crumbled I can persevere, it showed me that there is always a lesson in everything.

While I have come to terms with these events and learned the lessons I needed to from them, they do still affect me to some degree during these months. I never want to forget any of the struggles, any of the trials and tribulations I have endured, I have overcome because without them I wouldn’t be who I am. If I were to forget them, I would open myself up to the possibility of them happening again. I am however, eternally grateful for the products I discovered at the end of July, because they made getting through these months easier than they have ever been for me in the past. They have helped me to not completely shut down and shut the world out as I have done many times in the past. They allowed me the clarity and relief to heal but to also understand all of those events on a deeper level than ever before.

As Always My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,
I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Anorexia: The Never-Ending Battle

Anorexia is a war I have been fighting for many years now, one that I will fight for the rest of my life. Even in the moments when it seems like I am not fighting, it is always there in the background. 

Watching Netflix’s To The Bone really brought to light how much misinformation still exists when it comes to anorexia and those who are afflicted by it. Watching the stepmom in it, at many times infuriated me, because she was so clueless, she was constantly making it all about her, everything she was doing was ALL wrong. It reminded me so much of the people I have encountered in my life, the ways in which they treated me. I applaud Netflix for so accurately showing the ways in which people act towards those who suffer from anorexia.

This movie did more than bring light to that issue though, as for me it also forced me to admit something I had been trying to deny for a little bit now. Watching this movie, I realized that I could no longer deny the fact that my own battle with anorexia had started again.  As much as I wanted to pretend like I was eating enough, like it was just because I was too tired or too this to make myself enough food, I know those are all just excuses.  With my anorexia and having it as long as I have, it is no longer a conscious decision to starve myself.  I spent so many years as an anorexic that not eating became second nature to me. That is what has made my battle with it so very difficult. It will take someone else saying something or some sort of outside source to help me realize that my anorexia is back.

When my ex husband and I separated I thought for sure my anorexia would flare up, but it didn’t. While I wasn’t eating as much as I should’ve been it wasn’t because of my anorexia but rather due to the fact that I didn’t have access to enough food. I was so proud of myself for not falling back on my anorexia to control the waves of emotions I had been feeling in the time since we separated.

When I moved to Florida my eating habits got even better as I was eating 3 meals a day, plus snacks many days.  This was HUGE for me, because I truly believed in my heart and soul I had finally WON my war with anorexia. I was ELATED that this nearly 20 year battle was over… OR SO I THOUGHT.

Then a few days before my 30th birthday I was informed of many lies and betrayals, I was devastated by news from my best friend. In the weeks that followed my birthday, my heart was shattered, my trust demolished, my world crashed. I was put through such a rollercoaster of emotions; I had no idea how I was even going to deal with it all. With all this going on my brain did what it always did, tried desperately to gain control, but that was not so easy with everything going on, so it took over my eating habits once again.  I went from eating so much to maybe 2 times a day, to once a day, or not at all. It would be nearly 10 pm and I would realize that I hadn’t eaten anything all day or the last time I ate was when I had woken up, but then I would tell myself it was too late to eat or  I wasn’t hungry or I was too tired. This has been the case for some time now and it sucks.

But, now I realize and am no longer in denial, so as discouraged as I am that my anorexia has flared up, I am going to be heading back to therapy, making a conscious effort to eat at least 2 times a day, while also drinking high protein smoothies, and I have people keeping me accountable.   I do not want to go back to the days of being 5’ 7” and barely weighing 90lbs. I don’t want to go back to the days of constantly being sick and tired because my body was so malnourished. I don’t want to go back to the days of passing out from lack of sustenance. 

In the time since I separated from my ex husband I have done a ton of self-development work and this is but another step in the journey to loving myself completely, into becoming the woman I am supposed to be.

 

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Getting Honest With Myself & The World

The downside to always being the strong one, of always being there for everyone else, at mastering not appearing sick is that very few people realize the extent to which you may suffering or the severity to which the things that ail you truly do. People are so used to you helping them, many times they do not realize that you help them because you know what it is like to suffer and a part of you is hoping they will help you to. Now that I have finally gotten my service dog, I realized there are going to be those in my life who do not realize my true need for her.

I am not saying that people do not realize the things that I struggle with, as I am a very open book about most of my health especially my mental health, but rather there is a select few who truly know the capacity to which this affects my life. There are few who have seen the depths to which this has taken over. Most think they know but in reality, they only know what I choose to show them, what I allow the world to see. There is much more to the ways in which my diseases and my health has impacted every facet of my life. I have made a point to be quite selective with what I share, with who I let in, with what people know. I have hidden many of the details from my own family, from my best friends, from so many people.

I spent so much of my life wanting so desperately to be like everyone else, to not feel like I do, to fit in, that I learned how to appear “normal,” I learned how to adapt myself to not be the “crazy” girl, to not be the “sick” one. I studied those who didn’t have the struggles I did, and I tried to mimic them, their behaviors, their looks, their attitudes, I became a chameleon. Along the way I lost sight of myself, of who I was, of what made me… ME. This was one of the most detrimental things I had ever done in my quest for “normalcy,” because I became a shell of a person with a thousand masks that changed depending upon my surroundings or my company. No one got to know the real me, no one was allowed to see the identity hidden deep within. This allowed me to keep everyone at a safe distance, to keep them from seeing just how bad it truly was, seeing just how much I hated myself.

 I spent so many years ashamed of my struggles, of my diseases that I worked tirelessly to cover them up, to pretend like they weren’t there, to be “happy.” I spent so much time hiding away my truth, never allowing anyone the chance to see the real me, to love the real me, to accept the real me. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t possible for people to love me, that I wasn’t deserving of the love and respect I have seen so many others receive. I have convinced myself of so many terrible things, I have poisoned my mind against myself, I have repeatedly sent the message to the Universe that I am UNWORTHY, that I am BROKEN, I am UNLOVEABLE.

The time for hiding is over, the time for pretending is gone, the time for shame is no more. It is time to shatter the masks, to reveal my true identity, to get comfortable in my own skin. It is time to get honest with myself and with the world. It is time to give people a chance to get to know and love me for who I truly am inside.

I spend far too many nights scared & alone, lost in my triggers, crying because once again my PTSD has taken over. I spend far too many days hiding in my house because I am too scared of the outside world, because I so deeply fear what others will say or think of me. I spend far too much of my life consumed with these never-ending thoughts of feeling unworthy, of feeling broken, of feeling so many terrible things. So much of my life is spent in a state of fear that I end up missing out on so much, I miss out on grand adventures, I miss out on relationships, I lose friendships, I miss out on life.  I have spent so much time locked in the prison I have created. My anxiety is so bad is causing these seizure-like episodes, which has cost me the ability to drive. I hold so much tension, so much of my stress in that my body in a constant state of pain. There are days where I can’t even get out of bed from the pain being so severe, days where I just want to throw in the towel and give up. There are days where I have 10 or more anxiety or panic attacks. Most nights I am lucky if I am able to get 2 hours of sleep throughout the entire night. Half of the time is spent waking up, shooting straight up, looking around in a panic, taking several minutes to realize where I am, to realize I am safe in my bed, to realize nothing and no one is hurting me. I have been so hard on my body, from my years of trying to kill myself, my years of just not caring, my years of trying to silence the pain, and it is all catching up to me now.

This past year I have gotten very honest with myself, I have worked on shifting my mindset, I have focused on the ways in which I use my words, on the messages I have been sending to the Universe. I have put an emphasis on the foods I eat, on the products I use, on the people I surround myself with, on so many things. I have changed so many things in my life and will continue to change until I reach the life I seek. While I have worked incredibly hard in the last few years to regain the control over my life, to truly start the recovery process, to heal, I still have quite a way to go. However, I will not give up, as I have now had a taste of true happiness, of hope, of the life I have always sought. No longer will I hide away, no longer will I pretend to be something or someone I am not. While I am far from healing, I am proud of the progress I have made so far. I can say that with each day everything improves.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

What Online Dating Has Taught Me About Myself

I have been doing the whole online dating scene on and off for some years now and it is the most confounding thing to me. I don’t think I am made for online dating or even dating in this day in and age. Most people on those sites just want casual, no one truly wants to date, despite most of them saying they do. I am not meant for this type of dating as I am serial relationship person. I am the type who falls HARD & QUICK. I want to be wooed, I want to be taken on dates (REAL DATES- not NETFLIX & CHILL, Dates where you KNOW they are a date), I want to feel like I am important enough to be more than just some hangout sesh, to experience the excitement of dating. Yet, that seems like an impossible request these days.

I also do not think I am quite cut out for the online dating scene as I do not understand how one can go on multiple dates with different people, I mean I am not knocking those who do, it is just not something I am wired to do. I talk to various people from the sites that I am on, but once I make plans to meet up with someone from the site, I tend to put everyone else on the back burner, I will maintain contact with them, but will put off meeting them. I like to give whomever it is or was that I met up with a chance to see where it goes, without it getting complicated by another person.

This certainly sets me up for disappointment and some definite heartache, because while I am willing to give this person a chance, the time and attention I feel is right, they may not be doing the same for me, nor do I really expect them to. As the way in which I approach online dating is vastly different than most. While I value communication greatly, I am not so good at voicing my wants, needs, or concerns, as my past with abusive partners makes me quite nervous and makes it quite difficult to ask what I should be asking. I also understand this is not a healthy habit to have, but it is not the easiest of habits to break. I am not a fan of confrontation, although I do not know anyone who is, so I would rather just bide my time and ride it out. Eventually things will progress into some sort of direction, be that into an actual relationship, or one or even both of us, saying “hey this isn’t really working.”

I think for online dating or even dating in general to truly work for me I have to become more confident in my own voice, in being like “Hey, just so you know I am not planning to meet up with anyone else, as I want to see where this goes. This however, doesn’t mean I expect you to do the same, but merely just letting you know this is how I do the whole online dating things” or “Hey, I don’t know what you’re looking for, but if you just want something casual, this will not work, as casual is not my thing.” It really just boils down to being able to be honest, to vocalizing what I want or need, I also need to stop settling for things that I do not want. This is something I need to work on in every aspect of my life not just when it comes to dating.

As always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Loved Me


I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved you without fear,
I loved you without judgement,
I loved you without expectations.

My love for you was pure,
My love for you was innocent,
My love for you was unconditional.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you….

You loved the idea of me,
You loved the fantasy you created,
You loved a woman I would never be,

Your love for me was riddled with lies,
Your love for me was ravaged with anger,
Your love for me was brimming with fear,

I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved the idea of building a life together,
I loved the idea of creating memories together,
I loved the idea of growing old together.

My love for you knew no bounds,
My love for you was built upon a bed of trust,
My love for you was your saving grace.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you…

You loved your parties and your alcohol more,
You loved your cars and your games more,
You loved all these material things more,

Your love for me was caustic,
Your love for me was false,
Your love for me was not love.

I loved you,
But now I love myself.

Now I am learning

To love myself without fear,
To love myself unconditionally,
To love myself without judgments,
To love myself without expectations,
To love myself as fiercely as I once did you,

Now

I AM finding myself,
I AM finding my voice,
I AM finding my power,
I AM finding out how to be alone,
I AM finding my place in this world….

I may not love myself in the ways I loved you,
But I am getting closer every day,

I loved you,
I will always love you,
But you will never love me,
Not like I did you….

Yet, I hold no anger or ill will towards you,
I am grateful for our time together,
I learned many valuable lessons from it.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Finding True Relief

For just over 21 years I have lived with and battled various serious health problems, which have maintained a pretty extensive chokehold on me, on my life, on my outlook, on everything. At a very young age I was diagnosed with PTSD then Anxiety (in all its forms), ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar. There was a point in my life where I tried to take my own life 3 times a day, for 6 months straight. I would wake up try to kill myself, fail, go to school, come home, try to take my life again, fail once more, go to work, come home, and try one more time before going to sleep for the night. I would wake up the next day bawling because I was still alive, I would be begging God, the Gods and Goddesses I believed in from my Pagan beliefs, begging them to end my pain, to end my suffering. It was a very dark time in my life, but that darkness never really went away, it more or less it went dormant for a while. Everyone who knew me during any point in my life, knew that my entire goal in life was to join the Navy. I worked my whole life to join, it was the one thing that got me through that darkness, I know it is the reason I was never successful in my attempts, because more than anything I wanted to be a sailor just like my grandpa was. My family jokes that my first words were GO NAVY. Despite my hurdles, my struggles, I worked my ass off to graduate early, to get myself in shape and ready for the Navy, I worked really hard to gain control over my mental health, I did everything I could to prepare myself. I felt great in the months leading up to my leaving for basic. I was so excited for the Navy, I felt better than I had felt in years, it was amazing. In my heart and soul, the Navy was my ticket out, it was the answer to all my prayers. About a month before leaving I has been raped, but I didn’t want that to hinder or delay my leaving, so I told no one, I bottled it up, and kept my focus on the military. Well, that backfired on me and I had a total nervous breakdown while in basic, and I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made, this was also after having my ankle snapped over a curb on the 3rd day then getting so sick I was bed ridden for 3 straight days. All of this was a sign, a sign that as much as I wanted to be in the Navy, it was not meant to be. I had signed up for 8 years right off the bat, had work my whole life for this, and I had to GIVE IT UP. That broke me in ways I am still recovering from, I have never felt so disappointed in myself, I have never felt like such a failure, I have never felt as low as I did that moment. For years I have carried the shame of not being enough, of not having it in me to succeed in the Navy, to not be able to achieve my dreams.

About 5 years ago still riddled with guilt and serious shame over the Navy, working 2 jobs and still not being able to make ends meet, having 15+ panic attacks a day, and having several nervous breakdowns, including one at work that was so bad that someone had to drive me home when they found me in the bathroom under the baby changing station shaking and inconsolable, I ended up having to quit working completely. That day I felt part of my soul die, I felt so hopeless, so helpless, so worthless. For the first year or so I spiraled deeper into my diseases, deeper into my darkness, I pushed everyone away who I could, I was in and out of hospitals, I cut myself for the first time in over 7 years, I lost myself, my hope, my everything. I had given up, I saw no point to going on. I had been dealing with these diseases for so long, they had also started to take a toll on my physically. My back and body were giving up on me as well, there were days where I was in so much pain I couldn’t even get out of bed, not that I wanted to anyway. I wouldn’t wish this suffering upon anyone.

I became homeless at one point, bounced form couch to couch, relied heavily on my friends to take me in, to take pity on me, to take care of me. It felt horrible, I felt like nothing more than a burden. That time cost me friendships, relationships, cost me my independence. It cost me everything, I lost my ability to drive because I developed seizures linked to my panic attacks. My already terrible sleep got that much worse and I was lucky to even get 1 hour a night. I was afraid to leave my house, I ended up developing agoraphobia pretty severe. I couldn’t do anything alone, couldn’t talk on the phone, I couldn’t function. It was 3 years into this I received my wake-up call. Once again, I found myself back in the psych hospital, this time I was there for over 1 month because I had nowhere left to go, no one left to stay with, I had exhausted all my resources, only 2 people came to visit me during that entire time I was there. It was during that stint that I made a PROMISE to myself I was going to get better, I was going to recover, I was going to overcome this, I was going to get my independence back.

Here we are 2 years later after a lot of hard work, a ton of soul work, a lot of blood sweat and tears, overcoming an abusive marriage, I am can say I am truly on the road to recovery. I have tried just about every medication under the sun, I have been in an out of therapy for years but most of that didn’t help me. They really just numbed the pain, they put band aids on it, or they provided temporary relief, but it never felt like true relief. I discovered CBD and that helped far more than anything else had up to that point without any crazy side effects, but even then, it didn’t make me feel as amazing as I do now. I discovered Smart Coffee and the Choclevate through my friend Amanda and without even trying the products I joined her in the company because I had seen the difference it had made in her life, and I wanted to experience that. In my heart I knew this was going to help me, so I ordered my Chocolevate the same day I joined the company and waited no so patiently for it to arrive.

It finally arrived at the perfect time as I was in a really bad place. I was super depressed, and my anxiety was through the roof, so I excitedly took it out of its package, put one scoop in a cup of hot water and began to drink it. Almost instantly I felt a difference, it was like this massive fog had been lifted from me, I felt like I could think clearly for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE! As I kept drinking the effects became even more evident, I felt my anxiety melt away, I felt my the light filter back in and take over my depression, the shakes I had developed from years of being on and off antipsychotics had all but ceased (I have never got more than 20 minutes without some part of my body shaking), I felt REAL TRUE RELIEF! This didn’t feel like a band aid, this didn’t feel like a temporary fix, this actually made me feel HUMAN again. This took all those years of suffering, all those years of pain, of everything and made it feel like it was truly going to be a thing of the past. I nearly broke down in tears because I honestly never thought I could feel this good, I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this kind of relief, to feel this amazing. I am still flabbergasted that this worked with only 1 DOSE! I am 1,000% HOOKED & I will tell everyone who is willing to listen about this product and how life changing it is. I look forward to getting the rest of my life back, I look forward to regaining my true independence, I look forward to the financial success this will bring me, I look forward to all the amazing changes this is going to bring to my life as I continue to take it and expand to our other products. These products truly are LIFE CHANGING, and I am so grateful for them, for what they are giving to me. As I write this, I am fighting tears because for the first time in 21 years I can truly say that I am GENUIELY HAPPY, and not from being MANIC. Even my best friend of over 15 years who has seen me at my lowest of lows and my highest of highs, noticed a difference in me. She said the most profound thing to me, she told me that I sounded like I did when I was properly medicated for my health problems, she had goosebumps because she could hear the difference. She told me I sounded truly happy and not manic, I sounded stable, I wasn’t babbling, speaking super-fast, or anything like that.

I cannot wait to purchase our newest product, Hemplevate, because it takes all the amazing benefits of CBD, while adding some of its own healing properties as well. Unlike CBD Oil, you will absorb 100% of it, as opposed to the 20% absorption rate of CBD oil. This is because our Hemp Oil is water soluble which means it dissolves in water, so you’re not wasting any product. Plus unlike CBD which only uses 1or 2 our product uses the full spectrum of Phytocannabinoids.