I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Loved Me


I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved you without fear,
I loved you without judgement,
I loved you without expectations.

My love for you was pure,
My love for you was innocent,
My love for you was unconditional.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you….

You loved the idea of me,
You loved the fantasy you created,
You loved a woman I would never be,

Your love for me was riddled with lies,
Your love for me was ravaged with anger,
Your love for me was brimming with fear,

I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved the idea of building a life together,
I loved the idea of creating memories together,
I loved the idea of growing old together.

My love for you knew no bounds,
My love for you was built upon a bed of trust,
My love for you was your saving grace.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you…

You loved your parties and your alcohol more,
You loved your cars and your games more,
You loved all these material things more,

Your love for me was caustic,
Your love for me was false,
Your love for me was not love.

I loved you,
But now I love myself.

Now I am learning

To love myself without fear,
To love myself unconditionally,
To love myself without judgments,
To love myself without expectations,
To love myself as fiercely as I once did you,

Now

I AM finding myself,
I AM finding my voice,
I AM finding my power,
I AM finding out how to be alone,
I AM finding my place in this world….

I may not love myself in the ways I loved you,
But I am getting closer every day,

I loved you,
I will always love you,
But you will never love me,
Not like I did you….

Yet, I hold no anger or ill will towards you,
I am grateful for our time together,
I learned many valuable lessons from it.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Finding True Relief

For just over 21 years I have lived with and battled various serious health problems, which have maintained a pretty extensive chokehold on me, on my life, on my outlook, on everything. At a very young age I was diagnosed with PTSD then Anxiety (in all its forms), ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bipolar. There was a point in my life where I tried to take my own life 3 times a day, for 6 months straight. I would wake up try to kill myself, fail, go to school, come home, try to take my life again, fail once more, go to work, come home, and try one more time before going to sleep for the night. I would wake up the next day bawling because I was still alive, I would be begging God, the Gods and Goddesses I believed in from my Pagan beliefs, begging them to end my pain, to end my suffering. It was a very dark time in my life, but that darkness never really went away, it more or less it went dormant for a while. Everyone who knew me during any point in my life, knew that my entire goal in life was to join the Navy. I worked my whole life to join, it was the one thing that got me through that darkness, I know it is the reason I was never successful in my attempts, because more than anything I wanted to be a sailor just like my grandpa was. My family jokes that my first words were GO NAVY. Despite my hurdles, my struggles, I worked my ass off to graduate early, to get myself in shape and ready for the Navy, I worked really hard to gain control over my mental health, I did everything I could to prepare myself. I felt great in the months leading up to my leaving for basic. I was so excited for the Navy, I felt better than I had felt in years, it was amazing. In my heart and soul, the Navy was my ticket out, it was the answer to all my prayers. About a month before leaving I has been raped, but I didn’t want that to hinder or delay my leaving, so I told no one, I bottled it up, and kept my focus on the military. Well, that backfired on me and I had a total nervous breakdown while in basic, and I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made, this was also after having my ankle snapped over a curb on the 3rd day then getting so sick I was bed ridden for 3 straight days. All of this was a sign, a sign that as much as I wanted to be in the Navy, it was not meant to be. I had signed up for 8 years right off the bat, had work my whole life for this, and I had to GIVE IT UP. That broke me in ways I am still recovering from, I have never felt so disappointed in myself, I have never felt like such a failure, I have never felt as low as I did that moment. For years I have carried the shame of not being enough, of not having it in me to succeed in the Navy, to not be able to achieve my dreams.

About 5 years ago still riddled with guilt and serious shame over the Navy, working 2 jobs and still not being able to make ends meet, having 15+ panic attacks a day, and having several nervous breakdowns, including one at work that was so bad that someone had to drive me home when they found me in the bathroom under the baby changing station shaking and inconsolable, I ended up having to quit working completely. That day I felt part of my soul die, I felt so hopeless, so helpless, so worthless. For the first year or so I spiraled deeper into my diseases, deeper into my darkness, I pushed everyone away who I could, I was in and out of hospitals, I cut myself for the first time in over 7 years, I lost myself, my hope, my everything. I had given up, I saw no point to going on. I had been dealing with these diseases for so long, they had also started to take a toll on my physically. My back and body were giving up on me as well, there were days where I was in so much pain I couldn’t even get out of bed, not that I wanted to anyway. I wouldn’t wish this suffering upon anyone.

I became homeless at one point, bounced form couch to couch, relied heavily on my friends to take me in, to take pity on me, to take care of me. It felt horrible, I felt like nothing more than a burden. That time cost me friendships, relationships, cost me my independence. It cost me everything, I lost my ability to drive because I developed seizures linked to my panic attacks. My already terrible sleep got that much worse and I was lucky to even get 1 hour a night. I was afraid to leave my house, I ended up developing agoraphobia pretty severe. I couldn’t do anything alone, couldn’t talk on the phone, I couldn’t function. It was 3 years into this I received my wake-up call. Once again, I found myself back in the psych hospital, this time I was there for over 1 month because I had nowhere left to go, no one left to stay with, I had exhausted all my resources, only 2 people came to visit me during that entire time I was there. It was during that stint that I made a PROMISE to myself I was going to get better, I was going to recover, I was going to overcome this, I was going to get my independence back.

Here we are 2 years later after a lot of hard work, a ton of soul work, a lot of blood sweat and tears, overcoming an abusive marriage, I am can say I am truly on the road to recovery. I have tried just about every medication under the sun, I have been in an out of therapy for years but most of that didn’t help me. They really just numbed the pain, they put band aids on it, or they provided temporary relief, but it never felt like true relief. I discovered CBD and that helped far more than anything else had up to that point without any crazy side effects, but even then, it didn’t make me feel as amazing as I do now. I discovered Smart Coffee and the Choclevate through my friend Amanda and without even trying the products I joined her in the company because I had seen the difference it had made in her life, and I wanted to experience that. In my heart I knew this was going to help me, so I ordered my Chocolevate the same day I joined the company and waited no so patiently for it to arrive.

It finally arrived at the perfect time as I was in a really bad place. I was super depressed, and my anxiety was through the roof, so I excitedly took it out of its package, put one scoop in a cup of hot water and began to drink it. Almost instantly I felt a difference, it was like this massive fog had been lifted from me, I felt like I could think clearly for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE! As I kept drinking the effects became even more evident, I felt my anxiety melt away, I felt my the light filter back in and take over my depression, the shakes I had developed from years of being on and off antipsychotics had all but ceased (I have never got more than 20 minutes without some part of my body shaking), I felt REAL TRUE RELIEF! This didn’t feel like a band aid, this didn’t feel like a temporary fix, this actually made me feel HUMAN again. This took all those years of suffering, all those years of pain, of everything and made it feel like it was truly going to be a thing of the past. I nearly broke down in tears because I honestly never thought I could feel this good, I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this kind of relief, to feel this amazing. I am still flabbergasted that this worked with only 1 DOSE! I am 1,000% HOOKED & I will tell everyone who is willing to listen about this product and how life changing it is. I look forward to getting the rest of my life back, I look forward to regaining my true independence, I look forward to the financial success this will bring me, I look forward to all the amazing changes this is going to bring to my life as I continue to take it and expand to our other products. These products truly are LIFE CHANGING, and I am so grateful for them, for what they are giving to me. As I write this, I am fighting tears because for the first time in 21 years I can truly say that I am GENUIELY HAPPY, and not from being MANIC. Even my best friend of over 15 years who has seen me at my lowest of lows and my highest of highs, noticed a difference in me. She said the most profound thing to me, she told me that I sounded like I did when I was properly medicated for my health problems, she had goosebumps because she could hear the difference. She told me I sounded truly happy and not manic, I sounded stable, I wasn’t babbling, speaking super-fast, or anything like that.

I cannot wait to purchase our newest product, Hemplevate, because it takes all the amazing benefits of CBD, while adding some of its own healing properties as well. Unlike CBD Oil, you will absorb 100% of it, as opposed to the 20% absorption rate of CBD oil. This is because our Hemp Oil is water soluble which means it dissolves in water, so you’re not wasting any product. Plus unlike CBD which only uses 1or 2 our product uses the full spectrum of Phytocannabinoids.

Giving Yourself Permission To Be A Little Selfish- Implementing Self-Care Into Your Daily Routine.

What does Self-Care mean to you? What are the ways in which you practice Self-Care, if you even do at all?

To some it is taking a long bath with candles, special soaps, and music. To others it is spending all day in bed watching Netflix in your PJ’s eating your favorite comfort foods. To others it is daily workouts & meditation. What Self-Care means to each person will vary greatly, but Self-Care is something that so many of us struggle with, myself included, it is something that we always wind up putting on the back burner. We all understand the need and the importance for it, but we always make an excuse for why we cannot do it.

So much of our life we are taught to be selfless, to take care of others first, to put the wants and needs of others above our own. The only exception to this is in the event of something going wrong on a plane, in which you are told to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others. That is something that goes against what we know, to many it feels quite wrong. We spend years teaching ourselves that we are not allowed to spend time on ourselves, that is it selfish, that we do not have time for us. I myself, spent so much of my life doing all that I could for others, I sacrificed so much of myself for others, I always put myself at the bottom of my priority list, that I fell further and further into my depression, I tumbled deeper into the madness, I lost myself in the darkness. I put every ounce of myself into helping others achieve their hopes, their dreams, their successes, I stood by them helping them to thrive, while I withered away myself. I based my value, my time, my worth around them. One by one, they moved on with their lives, they found someone or something else, while I was left feeling a bit more empty each time, I was left feeling lost, feeling dismayed. They got exactly what they needed, while I got nothing, I lost sight of myself. It was quite disheartening to say the least, to realize that I spent so much of my life taking care of others, I didn’t even know how to take care of my own self anymore, I didn’t know what I WANTED, what were my HOPES, my DREAMS, what made my heart SOAR. I spent so much time helping others chase their own hopes and dreams, helping them get all that they wanted, and all of that became so ingrained in my life, so intertwined that it mingled deeply within my personality that I could no longer discern what was mine and what was imprints from all those who I have given myself, given my energy, given my time to. There’s a quote by Christopher Walken that so perfectly sums up the importance of self-care especially as a light worker which has quickly become a mantra of mine.

walken quote

This last year plus I have done a lot of soul-searching, self-development as well as made a major point to spend more time on self-care, because I understand that I am of no use to anyone if I do not first take care of myself. During my life I would get all hyped up, throw myself completely into projects, into relationships, into whatever I could, but I never took any real time for myself, which would in turn lead to me getting hardcore burned out. I would start off motivated, unstoppable, with all this hope, all this energy, only to end up with no energy, discouraged beyond words and leaving things unfinished. This only made me feel worse about myself, I felt so dejected, like I couldn’t be relied on, like I was a failure. It discouraged me to no end, to continually go through these brief points of great success only to be followed by long periods of doing nothing. By switching my focus to a self-care based routine instead of all work all day, I have found that I am far more productive, far more joyful, far more inspired, and in general feeling much better.

To me, what I do for self-care varies based off the day I am having, off the mood I am, the ways in which I feel. Now I make a point to work out every single day no matter how busy or tired I am, even if I can only get in 5 minutes of exercise I feel great. I am working on reintegrating a daily meditation/mindfulness practice. I make a point to connect with myself, to check in with my emotions, to show gratitude on a regular basis. I have also drastically overhauled my diet which has helped me feel better than I ever thought possible. For me self-care has become an essential part of my daily routine. My life as a whole has become all about the balance between Mind, Body, & Soul, about making sure I put just as much emphasis into rest and relaxation as I do into work.

When trying to implement a Self-Care routine into your life, start off simple, schedule 5 minutes a day to do something that makes you happy, that relaxes you, that helps you to connect with yourself. This can be a quick walk, doing some yoga, meditation, watching a funny video, it can be whatever you want. The point here is to just take a few minutes for yourself. What started out as a struggle to take even 5 minutes to myself a few times a week has become a daily 20 minute-1 hour part of my routine in which I just be with myself, I do what makes me feel good, what helps me to connect with my higher self, with what relaxes me, with what keeps me in the moment.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, Have A Magical Day!

Connecting To My Power Through Masturbation

As part of this new journey I am on, where I am focusing on loving myself completely, there is one area in which I struggle with greatly. That would be SEX & MASTURBATION. Masturbation has always been a very sort of taboo subject, especially for women to discuss, but it was never one I shied away from. I had always been very open about my sexuality, about my likes, my dislikes, about my masturbation habits. To me, sex and masturbation are perfectly natural and we all do it or want to do it (unless of course you’re are Asexual, in which case you don’t feel the same inclinations we do. Which there is nothing wrong with either, as we all have our preferences), but society is still very much hush hush about sex and masturbation. It weird though, because I am still very open about my sexual fantasies, my masturbation, and all that extra curricular activity, but the actual act of masturbation has changed so much for me over the last several years as has the pleasure I derive from it.

Sex for me has always been a bit of a complicated endeavor, as I am the type who cannot get off without an emotional connection to my partner. Yet, masturbation for me was never really a struggle, that part was always easy for me. I loved it, I relished in pleasuring myself, in connecting with myself, in bringing myself to climax. I loved exploring my own body, I loved touching myself, I loved every aspect of masturbation. I loved getting new toys, loved trying new methods, loved the art of discovery. I remember a point in my life when I didn’t need the assistance of toys (albeit, I enjoyed them, but they weren’t essential to my pleasure), of partner filled fantasies, of videos, of all this other stuff to get me aroused. To me, masturbation was the best part of my day. It helped to relieve stress, it helped me sleep, helped me to wake up in the morning, it helped me with so many different things. I will openly admit that I masturbate at least once a day, if not many times most days. Masturbation has always been an essential part of my daily routine, but it doesn’t bring me the same levels of pleasure it once did. Something happened in the last few years to me and now I just cannot seem to gain any sort of real lasting pleasure without assistance of some sort. Even when I do gain pleasure, it isn’t the same as it was, it is such a struggle and it never really lasts that long, and I certainly don’t climax. Some of the things that kills me the most is all my sexual fantasies involve a partner of some sort, is that my own fingers do nothing for me anymore, and my toys barely do anything. I am really good at sexting and if I choose to masturbate while sexting, then I can generally get myself off pretty damn well, but when it is just me with myself, no fantasy, no messages, no pictures I cannot get the job done. Somehow along the way I became so focused on pleasing my partners, so stuck on the idea that true pleasure could only come from a partner that I forgot how to please myself. I forgot what felt good, what felt right, what my own touch felt like, I forgot what it was like to be the one who made my vagina wet.

Now, most times when I masturbate I hardly ever even get wet, which had never been an issue for me in the past. During these last several years, I have been put through the ringer emotionally and physically and all of that has taken a serious toll on who I am at my core. Where I once found so much enjoyment from masturbation, now I am so self-conscious that I can’t truly get into it. Where I once was able to take myself all the way to climax with my fingers, now my fingers feel foreign to me, they feel unsure, they feel almost disconnected. This struggle has left me feeling broken, discouraged, and dissatisfied, and quite frankly frustrated and fed the fuck up. Men do not realize how dang easy they have it when it comes to masturbation or the struggle that we women face. Masturbation doesn’t hold the same joy it once did for me, but I want to get back to the woman I was before all this, the woman who was unapologetically herself, the one who enjoyed pleasuring herself, the one who had a deep connection to her higher self.

I know much of my struggles comes from the fallout from my abusive marriage, as that rocked me to my very core. It was not physically abusive, but emotionally, and during that time I lost all myself, lost my confidence, my voice, my power, my everything. It has been a long journey over this past year plus to put the pieces back together, to find myself, to reclaim my power, to silence the voices he created. I also know much of it comes from this insane idea that I must have a partner to climax. Which is beyond ridiculous I know, but at this point I am unsure how to retrain my brain to believe otherwise. I used to be a pretty dominate take charge kind of personality, especially in the bedroom, and I have always much preferred the more dominate roles, but that marriage took that from me. It turned me into someone meek, someone unsure of themselves, someone who questioned every aspect of who they were. I want to regain my power, my presence, my confidence.

So NOW….

I am on a mission.

I am on a mission to reclaim my SEXUAL POWER, to be able to PLEASURE MYSELF again. A mission that will help me to reconnect with myself, that will help me to manifest my desires, a mission that will help many different aspects of my life. I know that when we, especially as women, embrace and are unapologetic about our sexuality amazing things happen. I am on a mission to pleasure myself without the use of outside sources, tools, or anything. It is my mission to be able to get myself off using only my fingers and to rebuild that connection and that deep understanding I had with my body.

 

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

A Letter To My Past Lovers

I loved you for all the wrong reasons at all the right times.

I loved you because there was a time when you made my darkness a little bit brighter.

I loved you because there was a time when you made my pain a little bit more bearable.

I loved you because even if only for a few moments you silenced the voices that tore me down.

I loved you because there was a time when you waltzed with my demons.

I loved you because you made me feel such wonderous things.

I loved you because you made me feel whole.

I loved you because you made me feel beautiful.

I loved you because you gave me the things in which I couldn’t give to myself.

Yet, many of the reasons I loved you, faded away over time….

Instead of brightening my darkness, you added to it.

Instead of easing my pain, you made it worse.

Instead of silenced the voices, you created some new ones.

Instead of waltzing with my demons, you became one of them.

Instead of giving the wondrous things, you gave me heartache, self-doubt, anguish.

Instead of making me feel whole, you made me feel broken.

Instead of making me feel beautiful, you made me feel ugly and unworthy.

You gave me so much, you left with me with so much,

But beyond the bad, beyond the pain, beyond the heartache,

You gave me something else.

You gave me lessons to be learned.

You gave me power to be gained.

You game me a voice with which to be heard.

You gave me strength to persevere.

You gave me courage to fight for myself.

My dear lovers, I do not regret our time together, for regrets are such silly pointless things to me…

I am grateful to each of you for the invaluable changes you brought to my life.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Becoming A BADASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN Who Also Still Believes in True Love

If y’all caught yesterday’s post then you know that I had been in a relationship that unfortunately has ended. During our brief time together that man made me feel such wonderful things, made me feel things no one had yet to make me feel, made me fall pretty quick and hard for him. Yet, more than that he gave me back something I had lost during my abusive marriage, during many of my previous relationships. He gave me back my belief in myself, in my value, in my worthiness, in my capacity to not only give but also to receive love. Our time together may not have been very long, but as I said in the previous post I will be forever grateful for it and I will love him always because of all that I received.

Yet, here is the one thing I struggle with, the one thing I see so many struggle with, men and women alike, but definitely more woman than men. It is something I have struggled with myself for many years. It is this strong desire to be the BADASS INDEPENEDENT WOMAN who ALSO has a LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, PARTNER. Yet, so many times it seems that people have this antiquated view that you cannot have both, that you must choose between yourself or having the partner and/or family you may be dreaming of. WELL once again I CALLL BULLSHIT on that.

It is not a matter of CHOOSING OURSELVES over LOVE…

It is not a matter of LOSING our independence to ANOTHER…

It is not a matter of GIVING UP OUR POWER to our PARTNER….

It is not a matter of SILENCING OUR VOICE to be lower than our SIGNICANT OTHER

It is not a matter of DIMMING OUR LIGHTS so that others may SHINE BRIGHTER….

But rather it is about UNDERSTANDING

Understanding that LOVE is the most POWERFUL CREATOR of all.

Understanding that one can have BOTH a DEEP LOVE for themselves as well as for another.

Understanding that we are not choosing, nor are we losing, but rather we are GAINING so very much.

Understanding that with the right person, our light will shine brighter, our voice will ring deeper, our message heard by more.

Understanding that we are not in any sort of way obligated to have a partner, but if you want one you can still be a BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

All that being said, for me right now, what I must learn to do, is to first become that BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN. For, I am a serial relationship person, I do not do casual, nor are flings really my thing. I am the type to catch feelings pretty quick, which is of course exacerbated by my abilities to feel everything so deeply as a side effect from my battles with my mental health, as well as being an empath. Yet, I have never taken the time to foster that deep and intrinsic connection with myself. I have spent so much of my life in relationships, most of which were incredibly toxic, that I do not know how to be with myself, I do not know how to love, to appreciate, to accept myself. I have spent so many years forming my beliefs around myself, around my value, around my worth, based off of the ways in which my partners saw me, based off the partners I was or was not attracting. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I saw myself as unworthy, as unlovable, I found myself desperately seeking out any sort of partnership , no matter how wrong that person may or may not have been for me, I ignored warning signs & red flags, nor did I head the comments of others. I did all this so that I could feel valid, so that I could feel wanted, needed, loved. I did this because without a partner I saw myself as useless.

Society, has taught us that as woman that without a MAN (We still have a ways to go with accepting those who choose nontraditional partners, and I have had both male and female partners. The struggle is real and not based off gender either) we are LESS THAN, that we are somehow INFERIOR, that our value, our worth, or very existence is determined by and for the sole purpose of catching and keeping a man, of reproducing…. We are so brainwashed into believing that without said man we are somehow defective, that we are somehow broken. This then fosters an unhealthy need to find satisfaction, to find our worth, to find love from outside sources rather than from within. This sets women up to find love with partners who seek to control them, rather than help them grow, with partners who wish to take away their power rather than embrace it, with partners who seek to silence them rather than give them the mic in which to speak. We seek companionship in all the wrong places because we are not first taught how to love ourselves, we are not taught that our identity is not defined by a man or a lack thereof. We are not taught how to be strong, how to be independent, how to be BADASS, but rather we are taught that men prefer weakness, that no one wants an opinionated woman, that we must be meek, we must be our partners subservient rather than their equal. We are taught to seek out flaws in others, especially other women, we are taught that life is a competition, that we must step on others to get ahead. We are taught that our power doesn’t matter more than that of a man, that our dignity and sexuality is far less important than a man. We raise women to believe so little in themselves than admonish and shame them when they stay with abusive partners, when a man takes advantage of them, or when heaven forbid they try to break free from those expectations, when they do not want a family, nor do they need a partner to feel satisfied. We need to change that rhetoric….

Yet, being in a relationship was no more healthy for me than being out of one, as I gave all of myself to my partners, I allowed many of them to control me, to dictate my every thought process, to change me at my very core, I allowed them to change deep beliefs. I only saw myself as beautiful for as long as they did, my value was determined by the time and attention they were giving to me. When in a relationship, I give my partner unlimited love and support, many times at the detriment of myself, of my hopes, of my dreams, of my values, and of my feelings. I spend so much time uplifting them, of making them comfortable, of helping them achieve their dreams, that my own become a distant memory. Then next thing I know, they’re moving on with their lives and I am far worse than I was to begin with. So much of my identity has been defined by my partners that much of it is taken from me with the parting of each of them. In a relationship, I am no longer myself, but rather an extension of my partner.

Now is the time I RECLAIM my POWER as A WOMAN…

Now is the time I FOSTER my SELF-LOVE as a WOMAN

Now is the time I MAKE MYSELF the PRIORITY

Now is the time I DETERMINE & DEFINE my VALUE

Gone are the days of ALLOWING others to DICTATE my WORTH

Gone are the days of GIVING my ALL to those who sought to ABUSE IT

Gone are the days of FORGETTING all that I OFFER

Gone are the days of HELPING others grow, while putting myself LAST.

When the time is right, I shall put myself back out there, I shall find the partner who is worthy of me, of all that I have to offer, but for now I must focus on myself, I must ensure that I do not follow the same path I have for so many years now. All that I have been through, has not changed my belief or my desire to find true love, but has rather given me a deeper understanding of what true love actually means.

A

s Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

What To Most Would Appear to Be An End, Is But A New Beginning.

Very few people know this but for the last few weeks, I had been seeing someone, it was someone I never in a million years thought I would have any sort of chance with, it was someone from my past, it was the boy from high school (you know, the one that you had the massive crush on, but never actually tell them, the one you always wondered about), someone who had frequently been on my mind throughout the years, someone who I always felt drawn to. While things may not have worked out as either of us had intended or had hoped they would, I do not regret our time together, no matter how brief it may have been. I do not regret the feelings I now have for him, the things that I said, or the things I did. I will never regret the time we spent together, not just because I don’t believe in regrets, but because he helped me, in so many unimaginable ways.

For, it was through him, through this relationship I gained so much more than either of us could’ve expected. He showed me a love and respect, I had yet to receive from a partner in the past. He made me feel beautiful, brilliant, and important, where so many others had made me feel broken, made me feel inferior, made me feel like I was the last priority for them. He helped to show me that, despite the ways in which my ex-husband made me feel, the ways in which he broke me, the ways in which he made me believe no one else would love me, it was not only possible for me to find love again, but to find it with someone who was worthy of me and all that I have to offer. He showed me that I am not defined by the words, by the feelings, by the lies of my ex, but rather by the ways in which I have persevered, the ways in which I have taken all that I have endured and turned it into inspiration for others, he showed me that while I am far from perfect, I do not have to be. He showed me that I am worthy of so much more than I had ever realized, he showed me that I can find happiness, that I can attract the “right” partner. He gave so much to me in our very brief time together and for that I will be forever grateful, for that I will always love him.

While I am so very sad that it ended, I understand the reasons behind it, I do not fault or blame him for ending it as we both have some work to do on ourselves. I see the validity in the points in which he made, I see the work that we must both do. I am also a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it shall be, I do not believe in endings, as you never know where life may take you. He and I have found our way back into each other’s lives many times over the last several years to some capacity or another, I do not think there will ever be a point when we are not a part of each other’s lives to some degree or another. This is also not me saying that I am holding out hope for any sort of reconciliation or a future between us, but merely that I am not closing myself off to that possibility, nor am I opposed to it. What I do know is that while I may be exponentially better than I was a year or even 6 months ago, there is still much work to be done. I am still dealing with the fallout from my marriage, from the ending of it (heck we are still going through the divorce right now). I need to finish finding my voice, finding my identity, finding my independence. I need to finish getting comfortable just being with myself, with loving myself. I want to make sure that when I do find my next partner, I do not allow them to define me, to change me (at least not at my core, as some change is both good and needed at times). I want to make sure I do not allow my value or worth to depend upon them or the time and attention they do or do not give to me. I want to make sure that my life, my heart, my soul, are all where I want them to be. I want to make sure that when the time is right, I am able to attract the partner who is not only right for me, but also worthy of me as I am right and worthy of them.

I will say this though, that man will make some woman very happy one day and she will be incredibly lucky, as I got but a glimpse of what he is like to have as a partner and it was amazing. He has a lot to offer the world and I cannot wait to see him share his brilliance with the world. If he gives his next partner even a fraction of the love, the support, the understanding he gave to me, she will be the happiest person in the world. I wish nothing but the best for him, for his future, for wherever life may take him. I know that he will go very far in this life. As will I.

The ending of this has also confirmed something to me I have been debating for a few months now, I must head back up North, at least for a little while, not permanently. This is not something I am a particular fan of, as I have little desire to go back there,  but I understand the necessity for it. There are many doors I must close, chords I must cut, goodbyes I must say in order to finally be able to close the book on my life up there. I know as long as I still have things that bind me to there, I will never truly be able to move on with my life, I will never fully manifest my desires because I will still be holding onto the past. I also know it is not enough for me to simply say I am done with it, I must physically go up there to gain the closure I not only seek but also need. Much of my stuff is still scattered about between my storage unit, my ex’s, and a few other places plus my ex and I must finalize our divorce and I would much prefer to be present for the whole process as I no longer trust things will be as amicable as we had originally hoped. When I left Jersey, my intention was not to move, at least not right away. I was only supposed to visit my friend in Georgia, then go back to Jersey, finalize my divorce, say goodbye to my friends, to my family, and move with my stuff to my next destination wherever that was to be. Yet, instead I wound up moving there, with very little of my stuff, with never having said goodbye to anyone, and my marriage in a weird state of confusion. So soon is the time for me to do this the right way, the way I should have from the beginning.

I know in my heart that while I love Florida, I love the life I have created here, I love the woman I have become here, I must return to Jersey. Where I go after that is up in the air as well, as much as I love Florida, I do not feel it is my forever home. What I do know is, these next several months are about me, about truly gaining my independence, about gaining real closure, about moving on with my life. My vow to myself here and now is to spend the next several months, just being with myself, learning to love myself rather than looking for that love within a partner, learning to accept myself rather comparing myself to others. My vow is that I will give myself the time and the space to truly heal, to move on, to become the best possible version of myself, to do the soul work I need to do. My vow to myself is that I will foster such a deep love for myself that it will not be shaken or shattered by the thoughts or opinions of others. My vow is that I will spend much needed time on retrospection, on growth, on the things in which I always put on the back burner. My vow is that I will make myself, my health, my life, my soul, my work, my self-care my biggest priority. My vow is to make me the primary focus for once.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!