Family Bonds: Blood Isn’t Always Thicker Than Water

Family can be such a tricky thing. Many of us were raised under the blood is thicker than water belief system, yet I have found that is rarely the case. For me, during my time I have found more loyalty, more compassion, more of a family amidst my collection of friends whom I know both in person and online than I have from much of my family members. After my father had molested me when I was young his entire side family had all but abandoned me. Interestingly, the only people who stuck by my side, who I have maintained any relationship has been my stepmom and one of my stepsisters. Once again, they proved to me, how blood isn’t always thicker than water. Then several years later when my cousin raped me and a legal case seeking justice was levied against him after he had a nervous breakdown and admitted what he had done, he managed to turn much of my family on my mothers’ side against me. While that side of my family has always been wrought with strife and struggle, they were the ones I leaned on most heavily in the years after my father had molested me and I lost his family. To once again, have people who I though were family, people whom I considered family, turn on me because of the actions of another was truly devastating. Outside of a few specific family members we hadn’t been as close as we once were, but to have them turn on me in such a way still hurt, still shocked me. Even now some odd years after their dissent from my life, there are only a very select few whom I maintain any sort of relationship with. There is one, who no matter how much time or distance may separate us, no matter what forces may try to tear us apart, will always stand by my side, will always be in my corner.

Because much of my extended family proved to be such a disloyal bunch, I clung desperately to and relied heavily on my immediate family members, which consists of my Mom and my sister who is 3 years older than I am, to give me that sense of family, of being loved and accepted. Try as I might, my sister and I were never close, we never had this unshakeable bond, we rarely hung out together outside of the times when it was expected, or we were forced to. Our differences stemmed from far more than just the meager 3-year age gap between us. At our very cores we are very different people, and nothing will ever change that. Yet, despite our glaringly vast differences I always maintained hope that maybe one day we would find that bond, that connection, that sisterly love. Yet, it would seem that hope would be for not. For us, it would appear these differences are too far apart to create any sort of bridge between. To say I am saddened and disappointed would be a serious understatement, but as I have learned over my life, there are simply some things we must accept. When it comes to her and I, we will never see eye to eye on the one thing that has created the deepest rift between us. Despite our differences, I will always love my sister and a small part of me will hold out hope for a chance at a real relationship. I also cannot completely blame her for how she feels as there were times where due to my mental health I made life anything but easy for her and my mama.

 

 

I have reached a point in my life where I only want those in my life who wish to be here, who will love and accept me despite any areas in which they may feel I fall short, who will meet me with the same empathy, compassion, understanding and forgiveness in which I meet them, who will want to be a part of my life as much as I wish to be a part of theirs. If someone cannot see me for who I am, as someone who is so much more than my struggles. If they fail to see the unwavering love and compassion, I have developed from all that I have overcome. If they do not see all the successes I have had, but instead choose to focus on my failures. If they look at the life I have lived, the wars I have waged and are not proud of me. Then they have no place in my life. I spent far too many years feeling worthless, feeling like I was undeserving of love and respect simply because my life doesn’t look how people expect it to, because I don’t follow their rules, because of all the other reasons I have been made to feel inferior.

Yet, something profound happened to me in the last few months during my reclusive time. Instead of just bullshitting my way through my healing, like I have done nearly every other time. Instead of compartmentalizing the things which were too hard or too painful to deal with. Instead of running away from the darker side of healing. I chose to face it all head on. I’ve put in an immense amount of time and work into my healing process. It hasn’t been all bubble baths by candlelight or facemasks and pretty makeovers. It has been wrought with sleepless nights, days where I felt like I was suffocating, hours locked in my room with the curtains closed, months of hard truths, and so much more. I am still far from where I wish to be, but I am better than I have ever been.

Now that most of the difficult part of my healing is done, it is time for me to refocus my energy onto my present moment, onto what I can do in order to create the life of abundance now know with every fiber of my being I deserve. My goal over the next few months is to really sit with myself and figure out how to create a true financial independence, what career path is the one I TRULY want.

 

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

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Life With Endo: Robbing You of Pleasure, Instead Giving You A Lifetime of Agonizing Pain

(*Image Credit: Endo Awareness )

In our last post we talked about the pain experienced during a flare-up from endometriosis. For this post, we are shifting our focus to a different kind of pain. As if dealing with the boundless torrent of pain ripping throughout my lower body is not bad enough, to add into that the agonizing pain and complications of having intercourse with endo is enough to frustrate one to no end.

For years, before I knew I had endometriosis, I had experienced painful sex. I always just thought it was because of me, because of the way I was built, because of how tiny I am. I convinced myself that this was my life, that sex would always be painful for me, that I would never be able to experience the pleasure others have. I tried to address the issue with some of my previous partners to no avail. Our society has raised us with the antiquated belief that for women our sole job it to reproduce, that our pleasure matters little, but for men their pleasure and orgasm is paramount. The porn industry hasn’t helped that mindset either as it gives men unrealistic expectations within the bedroom. As I got older, I learned it is difficult enough for a woman who doesn’t have endometriosis to achieve an orgasm, which meant for me that is basically an impossible task. Even something such as masturbation yields little to no pleasure for me because of the pain my body experiences at all times.


Having sex with someone who suffers from endo is complicated experience filled with a lot of trial and error, with lots of foreplay, and excessive amounts of lube. What does and doesn’t work changes with each partner as no two people are built the same. It is a lot of exploring different positions, adding pillows, switching angles to find the right ones. For many of us, any chance of us obtaining any discernable pleasure comes from a heavy emphasis on foreplay. The more time we spend getting aroused without insertion, the better chance we have of that arousal continuing throughout the entire time. Another issue that many of us run into, is how quickly we dry out, no matter how much we may be enjoying ourselves. Far too often, partners do not wish to stop in the middle to add more lube as they feel it kills the mood, but for us we don’t have a choice. Many of my most painful experiences with intercourse were a direct result of the friction caused by my dryness. So often men get into a specific rhythm or get so close to their climax, that little else matters to them in those moments.

At this point, I have all but given up on the idea of ever achieving true pleasure, of experiencing an orgasm, of having sex without pain. I have never had a partner who was willing to work with me, with my limitations of my body, of the ways in which endometriosis effects my body to find what feels right, what feels great, what feels pleasurable. Far too often, they may start off seeming to be willing to work with me, but then after a short period of time, they stop caring about my pleasure and focus solely on theirs. Over the years, I have learned to just bury my head in the pillow to stifle the cries of agony, to wipe the tears from my face, to make my suffering as silent and unnoticeable as possible. Each time, with each partner though I hold out hope that just maybe they will value my own pleasure as much as theirs, yet that is never the case. It shouldn’t be like this. I’ve talked to far too many women, who share the same stories as I have, of painful sex, of partners who seem to care little for them or their pleasure. Far too often, we are silenced because heaven forbid you give them advice, heaven forbid you try to assert yourself. I am sure there are those of you out there who are saying, “just be assertive, just say you don’t like it, find better partners, etcetera.” While that is great in theory for those of us with anxiety or whom have survived abusive relationships, using our voice and confrontation are not always viable options for us. Although, in recent months I have become far more comfortable with using my voice.

By writing the posts, sharing my story it is my hope that it helps myself and others like me feel comfortable and safe to open the dialogue between them and their partners. It is my sincerest hope, that with the series I am doing on endometriosis, life and the complications that come with it, will help to raise awareness, to help those who suffer with this horrible disease to not feel so alone, it will get people talking. I know for me, personally it is incredibly cathartic to write these posts, to share a little bit of what daily life is like with endometriosis, to find my ability to use my voice to ensure that my sexual experience is that of pleasure rather than pain.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

I Have Loved Many

I have loved many who did not deserve my love,

Many who did not return my love,

Many who did not need my love,

Many who did not understand love,

Many who feared love,

Many who did not love themselves…

But there was one whom I didn’t love,

One who needed my love,

One who deserved my love,

One who was crying out for my love,

One whose very existence was dependent upon my love,

One who, once I learned to love them, would never leave me….

I did not love the one who was most important,

The one whose love was exactly what I needed,

The one whose love was the answer I had been searching for all along,

The one whose love was the saving grace I had needed so desperately,

The one whose love was the key it all…

That one, was myself,

For you see,

We find it so easy to share our love with others,

To give them all of ourselves,

To love them unconditionally,

No matter how little they deserve it,

No matter how many reasons they give us to take it back,

No matter how much they hurt us,

No matter what,

We give them our love…

But, we rarely give ourselves that same love,

Instead we move onto the next partner,

In vain we hope and pray they will the one who changes it all,

They will be the one who returns our love,

They will be worthy and deserving of our love,

Yet, we still withhold that love from ourselves,

So things go great for a while,

Or by some miracle we do find someone who returns our love,

But along the way through their love we learn to love ourselves.

For many of us though, that is not the case,

For many of us, in order to find that love we crave,

We must first learn to get it from within…

To give it to ourselves,

We must explore the depths of our soul,

We must heal the wounds of our past,

We must lovingly run our hands over the parts of our bodies which we have deemed unworthy,

We must give ourselves the same loyalty and respect we give so freely to others….

Then, we invite the world back in,

Then, we venture back out,

Then, we give our love to others…

When we learn to love ourselves,

We attract those who deserve us,

Those who want to be with us,

Those who motivate us to be better,

Those who enrich our loves,

Those who we have been seeking all along…

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I hope you have a Magical Day!

My Miscarriage: My Reason For Stepping Back From The World

I must’ve written this post a 50 times over now, but never could finish it. I never could find the words to quite express what I was feeling. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t able to write through what I was feeling, for the first time writing, which had always brought me clarity and comfort, wasn’t able to help. I felt helpless, I felt hopeless, I felt so lost, I was a whirlwind of emotions. I was riddled with guilt, with sorrow, with anger, with so many emotions. I just wanted the pain to end, but I had no idea how to end it. While I am by no means, over what happened, I have finally reached a point in my healing that I am ready to talk about it, that I am ready to write this post, that I am ready to release all that I have attached to this situation….

On December 25th 2018, when most people were blissfully unwrapping presents, I was experiencing a whole different set of emotions. You see, I was due for my period on Christmas day, but Christmas day came and went, and I was officially late… In my heart and soul, I knew I was pregnant, even without some test, but I was hoping I was just late. I gave it a few more days, just in case, before I finally broke down and got the test. Not even a minute into it, the words PREGNANT were glaring up at me, my heart sank to my stomach, I went numb…. Fear, anguish, sorrow, anger, anxiety, so many emotions ran through me in those first few moments. You see for me, getting pregnant is not a joyous occasion like it is for many women. I was told many years ago due to many of my health conditions, that the chances of carrying a child full term without myself and or my baby losing our lives would be slim. I am a very high-risk pregnancy for so many reasons and factors. For the second time in my life I was faced with one of the most difficult decisions a woman can ever possibly make. I have always been pro-choice, because for me, having an abortion isn’t really a choice, it is a matter of my life. As much as there are days where I wish to be a mom, carrying my own child at the risk of death for either of us, is not a risk I am willing to take. There are so many other options, when or even if I decide I want to have a child of my own. As for birth control, that is not an option for me, as my body reacts awful to it, creating even more issues for me health wise, than I already have.

I sat there with my heart breaking because I knew once again, I would have to endure the physical and emotional pain that comes with having an abortion. I set my appointment for January 9,2019 but had to delay it to the 22nd because I couldn’t come up with the money for the procedure in time. In the state I live in, there is not much funding for Planned Parenthood, and I do not have insurance as it is unavailable to me.

I am not one who is made for pregnancy, as many of my health problems flared up, I found myself unable to eat (I dropped down to 100lbs in such a short time), unable to stay awake most days, I was hardly functioning. From day one my body was shutting down, my body was rejecting the pregnancy.

On January 11,2019 the Universe intervened. The night before I experienced a pain so deep in my core, I honestly felt like I was dying. I have endometriosis, so I am no stranger to pain, but this pain was different. The next day I woke up to some spotting, which as the day progressed, the spotting turning to light bleeding. I went to the ER, for them to basically waste my time, not really help or even confirm whether I was having a miscarriage, even though I knew in my heart I was having one. By the time I left the hospital I was heavily bleeding and cramping. For the next week I spent my time in utter agony both physically and emotionally. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for a loss like that. Even with the fact that I had known there was no way I could keep the child; it is still something that you feel deep in your soul. From the moment I became pregnant, I knew in my heart and soul I this pregnancy wasn’t going to last, I knew that even with the abortion scheduled I wasn’t going to make it to then.

In the days before I had my miscarriage, I knew what was coming, so after a divine download I wrote a letter to my little nut. In the letter I poured out my heart, I told them it was okay for them to find a mama and dad who could give them everything they could ever want or need. I have written many difficult letters and posts over the years, with all the various things I have overcome in my life, but writing that letter, while cathartic, was also heartbreaking. While it was anything but easy it really helped me to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with at that time.

In the time since my miscarriage, I have struggled with my depression, with feeling broken, with feeling like I was less of a woman because my body is unable to carry a child full term. We are raised, as women, to believe our sole purpose is to have children, to be homemakers, but that wasn’t in the cards for me from a young age. I decided a long time ago, that if I ever wanted kids, I would adopt, because I knew that I would struggle greatly with the emotions that come with both pregnancy and miscarriages. One of the greatest dilemmas modern women face is not having a real say in their own bodies. Our news lately has been riddled with all these conflicting opinions on abortions, the baby’s rights vs the mother’s rights. For years, I have wanted to have my tubes tied, but due to a lack of insurance as well as a doctor willing to do so, every month I am faced with crippling anxiety, despite taking all necessary precautions, as to whether or not I am pregnant.

That entire experience changed me, I pulled back from the world, I lost more than just my baby. It has taken me quite a while to get myself right after my miscarriage. I have taken this time to work on myself, to reevaluate my life, to focus on healing, to be alone.

Also, please, refrain from leaving any nasty comments on my posts/blog about how I am a murderer or anything like that, as you will not do anything to dissuade me in my views when it comes to being pro-life.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Affirming Your Dream Life

Affirmations are a powerful tool that is vastly underused, yet can bring incredible results when one is trying to make positive changes in their life. I love to use affirmations in the morning right when I wake up as an amazing way to start my day off on the right note. That one positive thought can change my whole day and outlook for the day.

Affirmations and mantras can be use to alter one’s perception of themselves, their situation, their life and many other things. They are a fantastic way to raise your vibes, to manifest your desires, to boost your confidence, and much more. I have been using affirmations for the better part of 20 years, as I was introduced to them by a therapist. At first, I didn’t understand their power and I felt silly doing them, yet as I have grown older and wiser, I have seen first hand how effective a daily affirmation practice can be. Now they are an integral part of my daily routine and something I refuse to go a day without.

Affirmations are most effective when use daily, especially multiple times a day, when spoken aloud, and when said in front of a mirror (GASP, time for a bit of awkwardness), and/or when written down. When looking for or picking an affirmation/mantra that evokes real feelings and emotions from you. Whenever you pick or create an affirmation, you must make sure you are using I AM rather than I WILL or I CAN. You want it to be present tense or past tense. I like to have a mix of things I want to manifest in my life as well as things I will to believe about myself (Confidence boosters)

Some examples of affirmations that I use:

I AM HAPPY & HEALHTY

I AM BEAUTIFUL AND BADASSS

I AM WORTHY

I LOVE MYSELF

I AM A SUCCESSFUL LIFE COACH

I LOVE MY JOB AS A LIFE COACH

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM FINANCIALLY FREE

Mantras like affirmations are one of the easiest tools you can implement into your daily routine, they can be one word or multiple words. I generally prefer one word ones as I keep the longer ones for my affirmations.

Some examples are:

EMPOWERED

WARRIOR

SURVIVOR

HEALTHY

PEACE

LOVED

WORTHY

Affirmations are especially powerful when combined with gratitude, especially gratitude rampage, which we will discuss in the next post.

The biggest tip for affirmations is consistency, like anything I recommend on here, the more you do something the better results you will see. If you truly want to change your life, you have to make a commitment to yourself to have that follow through.

What Online Dating Has Taught Me About Myself

I have been doing the whole online dating scene on and off for some years now and it is the most confounding thing to me. I don’t think I am made for online dating or even dating in this day in and age. Most people on those sites just want casual, no one truly wants to date, despite most of them saying they do. I am not meant for this type of dating as I am serial relationship person. I am the type who falls HARD & QUICK. I want to be wooed, I want to be taken on dates (REAL DATES- not NETFLIX & CHILL, Dates where you KNOW they are a date), I want to feel like I am important enough to be more than just some hangout sesh, to experience the excitement of dating. Yet, that seems like an impossible request these days.

I also do not think I am quite cut out for the online dating scene as I do not understand how one can go on multiple dates with different people, I mean I am not knocking those who do, it is just not something I am wired to do. I talk to various people from the sites that I am on, but once I make plans to meet up with someone from the site, I tend to put everyone else on the back burner, I will maintain contact with them, but will put off meeting them. I like to give whomever it is or was that I met up with a chance to see where it goes, without it getting complicated by another person.

This certainly sets me up for disappointment and some definite heartache, because while I am willing to give this person a chance, the time and attention I feel is right, they may not be doing the same for me, nor do I really expect them to. As the way in which I approach online dating is vastly different than most. While I value communication greatly, I am not so good at voicing my wants, needs, or concerns, as my past with abusive partners makes me quite nervous and makes it quite difficult to ask what I should be asking. I also understand this is not a healthy habit to have, but it is not the easiest of habits to break. I am not a fan of confrontation, although I do not know anyone who is, so I would rather just bide my time and ride it out. Eventually things will progress into some sort of direction, be that into an actual relationship, or one or even both of us, saying “hey this isn’t really working.”

I think for online dating or even dating in general to truly work for me I have to become more confident in my own voice, in being like “Hey, just so you know I am not planning to meet up with anyone else, as I want to see where this goes. This however, doesn’t mean I expect you to do the same, but merely just letting you know this is how I do the whole online dating things” or “Hey, I don’t know what you’re looking for, but if you just want something casual, this will not work, as casual is not my thing.” It really just boils down to being able to be honest, to vocalizing what I want or need, I also need to stop settling for things that I do not want. This is something I need to work on in every aspect of my life not just when it comes to dating.

As always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Loved Me


I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved you without fear,
I loved you without judgement,
I loved you without expectations.

My love for you was pure,
My love for you was innocent,
My love for you was unconditional.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you….

You loved the idea of me,
You loved the fantasy you created,
You loved a woman I would never be,

Your love for me was riddled with lies,
Your love for me was ravaged with anger,
Your love for me was brimming with fear,

I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved the idea of building a life together,
I loved the idea of creating memories together,
I loved the idea of growing old together.

My love for you knew no bounds,
My love for you was built upon a bed of trust,
My love for you was your saving grace.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you…

You loved your parties and your alcohol more,
You loved your cars and your games more,
You loved all these material things more,

Your love for me was caustic,
Your love for me was false,
Your love for me was not love.

I loved you,
But now I love myself.

Now I am learning

To love myself without fear,
To love myself unconditionally,
To love myself without judgments,
To love myself without expectations,
To love myself as fiercely as I once did you,

Now

I AM finding myself,
I AM finding my voice,
I AM finding my power,
I AM finding out how to be alone,
I AM finding my place in this world….

I may not love myself in the ways I loved you,
But I am getting closer every day,

I loved you,
I will always love you,
But you will never love me,
Not like I did you….

Yet, I hold no anger or ill will towards you,
I am grateful for our time together,
I learned many valuable lessons from it.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!