What Do Women Really Want?

What do Women Truly Want?

What do women want? Its a question many men ask themselves frequently, it is a question that has perplexed many for eons. As a woman who has dated both men and women, who has had numerous conversations with women on this very subject, who follows women from all walks of life this is a question I myself have pondered many times.

Men it is time to rejoice, for I am here to give you what I know of what women want. Obviously, this does not pertain to all women, but the vast majority of them would agree with me here. There are also plenty more which I shall add as time goes on.

Most women, at least in my case and experience, do not care as much for big expensive gifts, they do not want you to spoil them with diamonds, with shopping sprees and fancy dinners. They would much prefer to have your time, your respect, your love. Women want to feel important, they want to feel needed, they want to feel like they matter. They want to know that if they are going to invest their time, their heart, their soul, the future into you that you will do the same.

We want someone we can be silly with, someone who can make us laugh until our cheeks & stomach hurt. We want someone who we can have Nerf wars with, someone who we can enjoy life with.

We want someone who will see all the “broken” pieces of us, the “flaws”, the parts we hide from the world, the chaos, the darkness and love all of them just as fiercely as they love our light.

We want someone who we can sit on a rooftop with a 3 am under the star talking about life, the future, our hopes, dreams, our fears, about the existential, about whether or not tacos are life (which they are), about everything and nothing.

We wants someone whose effort matches our own, who makes us a priority, who never makes us question their love or commitment to us.

We want forehead kisses, we want someone who is willing to say sorry, someone who holds our hands, someone who wants to show us off, someone who wants to know who we are at our core.

We want someone who doesn’t just see the outer beauty, but also sees the beauty within us. Someone who not only compliments our looks but our intelligence, our drive, our ambition, all that we bring to the table.

We want someone who wants to see us rise, who doesn’t feel that it is a competition, who is happy when we succeed, who supports our dreams, our goals, our ambitions just as we do theirs.

We want someone who falls in love with us a bit more each day.

We want someone who doesn’t just give up when things get tough, someone who is willing to fight for us, who is adult enough to communicate, to stay and try to fix things.

We want someone who is willing to be honest with us, who is willing to be vulnerable with us, who is willing to face their fears with us.

We want someone who wants to experience life and all its up and downs with us.

We want someone who feels like home, who when they wrap their arms around us, all the pain, all the anger, all the bullshit just melts away. Someone whose very voice soothes our soul.

We want someone who will choose us over others (Now I am not saying we need to be the most important person in your life but aside from from family and your besties, we should be in the top 3-5)

We want someone who texts us “Good Morning, Good Night, Drive Safe, I Love You, I was thinking of you”

We want someone who never stops trying to keep that spark alive, who never lets the fun fade away, who never lets the love slip.

We want someone who will play with our hair, who will rub our backs while we fall asleep.

We want someone who challenges us to be better, to achieve more, to grow. Who doesn’t want to see us in pain, who is 100% in, who loves us unconditionally.

We want someone who we can share our feelings with, who we can be vulnerable with, who will not judge us, who will in turn do the same with us.

Many women, actually don’t mind when you get jealous (now I am not talking punch out every guy who looks at your woman kinda jealous.) I am talking holding us close in public, being proud to have us in your life, I am talking making sure the world knows we are yours and you are ours.

We want someone we can grow old with, we can build a life and a future with.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

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The Aftermath of Emotional Abuse

I originally posted this on my Facebook page, but I wanted to add it to the blog too because I feel it is an important message. While writing this post is far from easy, I understand the necessity for it. I have also added to and made some tweaks from the original Facebook post. Please understand this post can be quite triggering to some, as it covers abuse & the aftermath of it.

A little back story for y’all. My soon to be ex husband and I were really good friends for many years before we actually started dating, he had been in love with me during our entire friendship though I never reciprocated those feelings. Yet, as time progressed, with failed relationship after failed relationship, after seeing the way he stood by me through it all, the ways he was there to help me pick up the pieces, the way he respected me, I finally broke down and decided to give him a shot. We weren’t together very long when we go married, because he was planning on going in the military and we wanted to ensure we could live together on post. We had been friends for so many years, our relationship was amazing, while it had it’s moments there were no red flags. So we had an incredibly short engagement, he changed his mind about the military, and we moved in with his parents not too long before our wedding. That move changed everything, slowly he became someone callous, someone viscous, someone with a hair trigger response. Mind you he doesn’t handle change very well and we were going through several changes from my moving in with him, to him starting school for HVAC, to him finding jobs in his fields, so at first I chalked it all up to that. But things never got better, in fact that only proceeded to get worse. We went from this happy couple who had minor disagreements to the couple who was having all out wars constantly. One day while we were fighting, he had me trapped in our room (a common occurrence for him), I was crying, I was scared, I was done, I just wanted to escape, I wanted to be anywhere but there. I managed to get passed him finally, I had just the tips of my fingers in the door, when he slammed the door shut, I genuinely though he broke my fingers. Removing my hand from the door, I bolted. NO shoes, no clue where I was going to go (as we lived kinda out in the middle of no where, and I don’t drive), no clue what I was going to do. Only thing I knew was I needed out. Walking down our driveway (which mind you is quite long) he came running up to me, tears streaming down his face, apologizing relentlessly, I was shaking, clutching my hand, in a daze. I told him to leave me alone, I just need to be alone. He refused, he followed me. With shaking hands I pulled out my phone to call a friend to come grab me, but before I could hit send, he knocked my phone out of my hand. This was it, I was screwed. But I just kept walking away from him, I was prepared to walk all the way to town barefoot if I had to. It was at some point during this time, that his mother pulled into the driveway (she was quite the handful to deal with and many times responsible for a significant amount of our fights). I finally managed to get him to leave me alone, but as my fog was lifting, I realized there was no way I could walk all the way to town without my shoes. So begrudgingly I made my was back to the house to try to get my phone from him as well as to put on some shoes. Still he refused to give it to me, so I asked him mom for hers after telling her what happened, to which she replied “maybe if you weren’t so controlling, this wouldn’t have happened” Somehow, this all became my fault. Yet, she mind you she repeatedly got on for his anger, for the things that I “controlled” him, like his drinking, like getting him to go to school, like getting him to start getting life under control. I stormed out once again, this time at least with shoes and started my trek to town. He followed me, finally giving me my phone and my space. I dialed my friend, with tears streaming down my face, explaining to him what had happened. I was prepared to leave that day, but I had no where to go, not really. No one could take me in, and he knew this. I made it about 15 minutes from our house, with my hand still bleeding, I haven’t even really looked at it yet, when he pulled up in the car. I knew I had no other options, he knew it, so I let him look at my hand, I let him bandage it up, and we went out for a drive and had a long talk. We tried to make things work after that, but honestly that was the day I decided I was done. I knew this wasn’t going to be the last time, and while it may have been an accident, next time probably wouldn’t be and/or it would be far worse. We got better for a little while, but then things got really bad again, and enough was enough. We only made it a few more months after that day and lived together for a bit after we first separated, until I moved to Georgia. That distance helped to provide me with even more clarity and helped me start to come to terms with it.

The further I get removed from my marriage, the longer I have that space, the more I reconnect with myself, the more I open up about it, the more I realize just how bad it truly was, just how destructive it was, how much it took from me, & how much it changed me.

In the beginning I was in a state of denial over the extents to which that marriage affected me, I just didn’t want to think about it, plus since I live with various mental health diseases I was unsure how much of my perceptions of it were real and how much were manifestations of my diseases. It wasn’t until several months later when I started putting the pieces back together, when I put some actual physical and emotional distance between us, when I started finding myself again, when I started talking about it with others that I really started to see my marriage for what it really was. This become especially clear when I reconnected with my best friend, who had a relationship with him in the months since our marriage ended. It was during those conversations where we talked about our different relationships with him, with the ways in which he treated us, the ways he made us feel, that it finally 100% clicked that this wasn’t just me, it wasn’t just my mental health making it seem worse than it was. It actually was worse than even I had thought, I’ve come to realize that the man I thought I knew was a facade.

I’ve said this many time before, the emotional abuse I have endured over the years left far worse scars than the physical ones ever did. I have worked incredibly hard to overcome it, but there are many days where the words I was told, the lies I was fed, the times I was berated or belittled still control me. Mind you my marriage was not the first time I endured emotional abuse, but it certainly has left its impact on me.

To this day if someone raises their voice, my first reaction is to cower, to wince, to make myself as small as I can, if I could turn invisible I would.

To this day if I say or do the wrong thing I am already preparing myself for an attack, to apologize, to do whatever I can to mend it. The words I AM SORRY have become so ingrained in my language that I find myself apologizing for things I didn’t even do.

To this day I struggle with voicing my opinions, my feelings, my thoughts, my anything, for fear of backlash. When preparing to be honest, to share my truth, I must first deal with the nearly crippling anxiety then once I speak or say my truth, I then start questioning it, analyzing it, seeing what I did or said wrong, how it can be twisted. I second guess myself constantly, I will play out different scenarios in my head for how my words will be received. I will have this massive debate with myself before saying or doing anything. With each word I speak, with each word I write or type whether it is to someone or even to myself, I find myself holding my breath, I feel my heartbeats quicken, my hands start to shake, because for me in the past my words were rarely met with respect or understanding.

To this day as I lay my head down to rest, there are many nights where those words that were spoken with such malice, with such venom, with the sole intent to hurt me, play on a repeat I I can’t stop.

To be told by someone who is supposed to love and protect you that when they are angry or upset with you, they purposefully think of the most hurtful thing that can say rocks you to your very core. It is truly one of the most heartbreaking thing to trust someone, to love them, to be there for them, but to have them sit there and go “Hmmm, what is the most hurtful or painful thing I can say to this person” then to proceed to say it. For me, with my diseases I work incredibly hard to control my words, my anger, my outbursts. People already have a lot of misconceptions about those who live with mental health, and I refuse to give them more of a reason to believe those. While it can be quite difficult, I do a pretty good job of controlling my emotions, especially words spoken in anger. I could never fathom purposefully saying something hurtful to someone else. When I do say something that hurts someones feelings even it is was totally unintentional, I feel AWFUL afterward, I get physically sick to my stomach, I apologize profusely, and I obsess over how I could do such a thing. Generally, I try to walk away before things get too heated so that words which cannot be taken back are not spoken.

To this day I find myself having to sit with my back to a wall and where I can see all that is going on, I struggle with going out to eat because I know it is not always possible to get the table that gives me the best vantage point. I find myself constantly aware of my surroundings, checking for all the exits, ready to bolt at a moments notice. I am always looking over my shoulders, my body is in a constant state of tension and in fight or flight mode.

To this day the fear I once knew as my daily life still filters into this new life I created for myself. I find myself skittish and so easily frightened. I find myself afraid of the smallest things, questioning everyone, their motives, their sincerity.

To this day I find myself realizing more and more how effected I was and still am by the abuse. To this day while I am safe, while I am healing, while I am better than I was before, I am still scared, I am still living with the demons of my past, I am still recovering.

To be in any sort of abusive situation, be it from a family member, a friend, or a partner can do irreparable damage. It will leave scars that never truly heal. It changes you at your very core. And to those of you who say “You should(ve) just walk(ed) away” ” You should(ve) just call(ed) the cops” “You should(ve) done this or that,” it is not as simple as you may think. In my case, the times when our fights got really bad I was either stuck in a car going 100 MPH (which mind you I still debated jumping out of the car just to escape), or in our room which was on the second story with him blocking the door, so I had nowhere to go, no way to escape.

For when you are in an abusive relationship or situation; they break you in ways that make you feel worthless, make you feel like you are the problem, make you feel like it is all your fault, make you feel like you are crazy, like you are irrational, like you are overreacting. They make you feel like you can’t leave, like you have no other options, like this is what you deserve. They create such a deep seed of fear that you will do all you can to keep them from unleashing their wrath upon you, even if it means staying with them. They isolate you from your friends, your family, your support system, yourself… They convince you that no one loves you, that you are truly alone, that they are your savior (by this I mean they tend to prey on those who are already struggling in life, and they swoop in, take care of you, make you feel safe, make you feel whatever they need you to feel, long enough to get you hooked, then their true colors come out, then the facade fades and the masks fall away. At this point though, it is already to late, you are on the hook) They manipulate you in such a way that while they’re destroying you they’re also convincing you that they love you, that they will change. Many abusers are slick talkers and quite charming. In my case my ex was so good at tearing you down in the nicest way possible many times, or I would walk away from the fight genuinely believing it was my fault. He had such a way of convincing me that I was the problem.

I know to most it doesn’t make sense to stay, to put up with it, but for many they do not see any way out. Abuse, especially when it is emotional abuse, changes you, it leaves you a shell of yourself. I am happy I was able to escape before things got any worse and while I am recovering I still have a long way to go.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

The Reality of Relationships

Relationships are tough work, no matter what your age, no matter how many you have been in, no matter how long you have been together. We all have these expectations, these wants, these needs, these wounds from our past, all of which we bring into each relationship. Yet, many times our expectations are far different than reality and many times we have this unrealistic fantasized idea of how our relationship will be, that when it doesn’t match up to it; we run for the hills, get angry, get disappointed, we harbor resentment, we feel so many tumultuous emotions. But what many of us fail to do, is discuss our concerns, discuss our wants, our needs, our feelings. Rather than being open and honest with our partners, we get upset, we get angry, we bottle it all up, until either we eventually blow or we just check out. Neither option is healthy or fair to anyone involved.

Relationships, real relationships not the fantasy ones you may or may not have created, are going to test you, they will be filled with compromise, filled with moments of frustration, they will push you out of your comfort zone, they will challenge you, they will force to reevaluate your expectations, but they will also be beautiful, amazing, you will grow, you will find your another piece of your heart, you will build something spectacular together. When both partners are willing to compromise, to put in the same time, effort, and work, to be completely open and honest no matter how scary it may be, to push each other to do better, to be better, to achieve more, to help each other break free of their limits they can foster a unshakeable, a truly unbreakable lifelong bond. Really, isn’t that what we all want when we enter a relationship? To find our one, our soul mate, the one who we can grow old with, who we can build a life with… I for one, know that is how I am.

I do not enter a relationship in which I see no future, I don’t really do casual as it is not for me. I go into each relationship ready for it to last, once I am in I am all in. For me, there is no such thing as being half in or half out.

Despite all the times I have been hurt, especially recently with my marriage, and the extents to which it broke me, despite all who came before, who tried to break me, who hurt me in such unimaginable ways, who tried darken my light, who made me feel so lost, so worthless, so dejected I have never lost my belief in love, in the fact that someday I will find my one, I will find the one who will see the parts that so many saw as flaws, as broken, as something to be ashamed of and love them. For me, it was my unwavering faith that someday, I would find the love I seek, the love I deserve, I would find my happily ever after, that got me through those dark times.

This is not to say however, that I do not still bear the scars of those relationships, that I do not still to some extent carry the wounds from them, that they do not have their moments in which they effect me. Because truly they do, the key however is to understand while those wounds will always be with you, eventually they will heal to a point where you won’t even notice them anymore. The key, in my opinion which I know many will disagree with me here, is to be honest with your new partner about the hurt, the partners of your past, the feelings you felt, about all of it. Even when you think you are over it, you may not be as over it as you thought. Now I know, many advise against talking about previous partners and many new partners do not wish to hear about them either, but if you truly want to be in a relationship with someone, you must first understand where they came from, what brought them to this point, the things that have shaped them, that have fostered their beliefs, that have given them the perceptions in which they see the world, the reasons why they may react a certain way to situations.

To me, to be in a relationship is to understand we all have a past, we all have partners who have screwed us over and screwed us up, we all have scars, and that is okay. We cannot expect our partners to have come out of previous relationships unscathed and rather than getting upset with them or refusing to hear of it, we should rather, give them the space, the understanding, and the empathy to be open with us, to discuss their fears, their wants, their needs, their desires. We need to let them know, that we are there for them. It will not be easy, as it is never easy to listen to your partner talk about another person, but I am telling you, it will create a much deeper bond.

For me, when I am in a relationship I make sure my partner knows I will never judge them for being affected by a previous relationship, for still dealing with that fallout, not matter how long ago it may have ended. We all heal at our own pace, we all deal with it in different ways. Who am I to tell someone they are wrong for how they feel? My only hope is that my partners show me the same levels of empathy, of support, of understanding as I do for them.

Other than understanding their past, I think the other thing that most struggle with when it comes to relationships is many are not willing to compromise, they want it their way or no way. Yet, that is not how life works, that is not how you make a relationship work. We have all walked different paths, we are all on different journeys, we are all fighting different wars and we need to learn that what works best for us may not always work for our partners.

For example, with me I am very in tuned and in touch with my own feelings as I have been in and out of therapy for many years due to my battles with my mental health. Yet, there are times when my deep understanding of my own feelings can cause me to become a bit overzealous in expressing them. There are many times when I tend to overwhelm my partners. I can be quite a bit to handle at times, especially with feeling everything so intensely do to my mental health diseases. For years, I kept myself quiet, I kept my feelings to myself, I didn’t speak my truth, but now I speak it a bit too much. Once again, like other aspects of my life I am learning to find the balance between speaking my truth, while also respecting others. Far too often we get so caught up in our own feelings, in what we want, that we fail to take into account what our partners want, in their feelings. This is not to say that we are not allowed to speak our truth, that we must silence ourselves for others, but rather that we must understand that while we may be comfortable with expressing ourselves not everyone else is. This is also not a bad thing, nor does it reflect in any sort of negative way for those who are not comfortable being so vocal with how they feel. It is more about finding a spot in the middle between expressing what you feel, while also not over doing it. It is about giving each other the space to express themselves while also understanding where each is coming from.

The most important thing here is to treat each other with respect, to be willing to tone yourself down, while also creating a meeting point between your two ideals and views. It is not enough to simply change yourself, you must both be willing to meet somewhere in the middle, to listen to each other, to push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone while also respecting each others boundaries. This doesn’t just pertain to feelings either, as relationships are riddled with compromise. If you expect your partner to do something you love, but perhaps they don’t enjoy so much, you must also be willing to do something they love that you aren’t so thrilled about. Now I am not saying you must completely change yourself for your partner, you must do things you don’t like just to make them happy, but rather have a balance between doing what you love and they love. Who knows you may find you enjoy something you never thought possible.

Real relationships are about doing the dishes after your partner has cooked, about cleaning the house when your partner has had a long day at work, it is watching their favorite rom-com or action movie, it is being there to give 87 percent on the days when they only have 13 percent to give, it is picking up their favorite foods from the grocery store, it is sharing the last of your ice cream, it is telling them you love and appreciate them just because. It is breaking out nerf guns and building forts together, it is nights cuddled by the fire or whatever, it is arguing over stupid and even big things but at the end of the day knowing you have each others backs. Real relationships are messy, they are complicated, they are full of compromise, and yes even some pain, but they are also filled with respect, with moments of pure bliss, with knowing you will always have someone in your corner.

As always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddess’s I hope you have a magical day!