Life With Endo: Robbing You of Pleasure, Instead Giving You A Lifetime of Agonizing Pain

(*Image Credit: Endo Awareness )

In our last post we talked about the pain experienced during a flare-up from endometriosis. For this post, we are shifting our focus to a different kind of pain. As if dealing with the boundless torrent of pain ripping throughout my lower body is not bad enough, to add into that the agonizing pain and complications of having intercourse with endo is enough to frustrate one to no end.

For years, before I knew I had endometriosis, I had experienced painful sex. I always just thought it was because of me, because of the way I was built, because of how tiny I am. I convinced myself that this was my life, that sex would always be painful for me, that I would never be able to experience the pleasure others have. I tried to address the issue with some of my previous partners to no avail. Our society has raised us with the antiquated belief that for women our sole job it to reproduce, that our pleasure matters little, but for men their pleasure and orgasm is paramount. The porn industry hasn’t helped that mindset either as it gives men unrealistic expectations within the bedroom. As I got older, I learned it is difficult enough for a woman who doesn’t have endometriosis to achieve an orgasm, which meant for me that is basically an impossible task. Even something such as masturbation yields little to no pleasure for me because of the pain my body experiences at all times.


Having sex with someone who suffers from endo is complicated experience filled with a lot of trial and error, with lots of foreplay, and excessive amounts of lube. What does and doesn’t work changes with each partner as no two people are built the same. It is a lot of exploring different positions, adding pillows, switching angles to find the right ones. For many of us, any chance of us obtaining any discernable pleasure comes from a heavy emphasis on foreplay. The more time we spend getting aroused without insertion, the better chance we have of that arousal continuing throughout the entire time. Another issue that many of us run into, is how quickly we dry out, no matter how much we may be enjoying ourselves. Far too often, partners do not wish to stop in the middle to add more lube as they feel it kills the mood, but for us we don’t have a choice. Many of my most painful experiences with intercourse were a direct result of the friction caused by my dryness. So often men get into a specific rhythm or get so close to their climax, that little else matters to them in those moments.

At this point, I have all but given up on the idea of ever achieving true pleasure, of experiencing an orgasm, of having sex without pain. I have never had a partner who was willing to work with me, with my limitations of my body, of the ways in which endometriosis effects my body to find what feels right, what feels great, what feels pleasurable. Far too often, they may start off seeming to be willing to work with me, but then after a short period of time, they stop caring about my pleasure and focus solely on theirs. Over the years, I have learned to just bury my head in the pillow to stifle the cries of agony, to wipe the tears from my face, to make my suffering as silent and unnoticeable as possible. Each time, with each partner though I hold out hope that just maybe they will value my own pleasure as much as theirs, yet that is never the case. It shouldn’t be like this. I’ve talked to far too many women, who share the same stories as I have, of painful sex, of partners who seem to care little for them or their pleasure. Far too often, we are silenced because heaven forbid you give them advice, heaven forbid you try to assert yourself. I am sure there are those of you out there who are saying, “just be assertive, just say you don’t like it, find better partners, etcetera.” While that is great in theory for those of us with anxiety or whom have survived abusive relationships, using our voice and confrontation are not always viable options for us. Although, in recent months I have become far more comfortable with using my voice.

By writing the posts, sharing my story it is my hope that it helps myself and others like me feel comfortable and safe to open the dialogue between them and their partners. It is my sincerest hope, that with the series I am doing on endometriosis, life and the complications that come with it, will help to raise awareness, to help those who suffer with this horrible disease to not feel so alone, it will get people talking. I know for me, personally it is incredibly cathartic to write these posts, to share a little bit of what daily life is like with endometriosis, to find my ability to use my voice to ensure that my sexual experience is that of pleasure rather than pain.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Endometriosis: A Indescribable Pain Coursing Through Your Body

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One of the most common questions I get about endometriosis, is how it feels to have endo, or more specifically how does it feel during a flare up. While no amount of words or description will ever be able to fully convey the sheer pain and agony experienced by those of us whom have endometriosis, I will try my hardest to describe the pain and what life is like with endometriosis to the best of my abilities.

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Here’s a little information and facts about endometriosis before we get into the main part of this post. Endometriosis is an incurable disease in which the tissue which makes up the lining of the uterus (Womb) grows or is present on other organs throughout the body. While it is most common to be centralized on the organs within or around the lower abdomen, it can appear anywhere on the body. For many women they can have a multitude of symptoms including but not limited to; painful periods/ovulations, painful intercourse, fertility issues, hormone imbalances, yeast infections, weight fluctuations, food intolerances, thyroid imbalances, digestive issues (not Chron’s or IBS,) lower back/leg pain, PCOS, headaches/migraines, multiple hospital visits for various symptoms which rarely yield answers, bladder infections, UTIs, low magnesium (which can also lead to many other issues including sleep disorders, anxiety, mood swings, and more,) and plenty more. For many suffers of endometriosis it can take 10+ years before finding a doctor who takes you, your pain, and your symptoms seriously, which leaves many women suffering endlessly for far too long. Many times, doctors will only look at one or two of the symptoms and be unable to yield any answers for you, rather than looking at the symptoms as a whole. Or doctors will simply tell you that you’re being dramatic, that you just need a higher pain tolerance, etc. and will simply dismiss you as another hysterical weak woman (and yes, female doctors will do this just as much as males.) Or the doctors won’t even know what endometriosis is so they will misdiagnose you, never run the proper tests, which means they will never perform the laparoscopic surgery (surgery is the only definitive method to diagnose endometriosis) thus leaving you to suffer longer. The number of stories I have heard from women over the years surrounding endometriosis, their journey to their diagnosis, their recovery and more is powerful and heart-breaking. For a really great article about another woman’s journey through the endo cycle click here: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/13-endometriosis-symptoms_b_9775518?fbclid=IwAR1nImwHUNR9Z_FxVEKdzHVdhSIomBhQjhQ7cE_rM2Z7QnbH2FeqeKYRaGs . The author of that post does a brilliant job explaining many of the symptoms of endometriosis as well if not better than I can.

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So, you want to know what it feels like to have endometriosis? Well for this part I am going to talk about how it feels during a flare up, at least for me. How it feels to each woman will vary dependent upon their pain tolerance, location(s) of their endometriosis, treatments, severity, and many other factors, so please understand this is just based upon my own experiences with my endometriosis. On top of experiencing nearly every single symptom I’ve listed above, the pain is exacerbated in the days before, during, and immediately following my period, then again in the days before, during, and after ovulation, which means that for maybe 4-6 days out of the ENTIRE MONTH I am not in severely excruciating pain, although the pain from endo is generally always there, but during those few days it is more of a manageable dull throb. For many women, especially those with irregular periods they can many times be caught off guard by their periods, however that is far from the case for me.

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As for me, in the days leading up to my period, my everyday pain slowly increases from a dull throb to more relentless ache and I usually get sick (small colds, little to no energy, coughing fits, low grade fevers, dizziness, etc.) The closer to my period I get, the worse the pain gets. I’ve heard many women describe it as akin to someone taking barbed wire and wrapping it around your entire abdomen/lower back region, which is quite accurate in my opinion. For me, it is a mix between that and feeling like someone has taken molten lava/acid and poured it throughout my entire reproductive system, my abdomen, lower back, and upper legs, while there are multiple little knives stabbing me incessantly, while also having every step, every movement, every breath nearly bring or even bring you to tears. When the pain gets that bad, there is nothing that can touch that sort of pain, no amount of Tylenol (for those who can even take pain relievers such as those, which for me is not an option,) no amount of heating pads or hot baths, no amount of position changing, or anything will touch that pain. I am a HUGE proponent of CBD and its wealth of benefits due to the relief it has provided me for many of my other health problems, but even CBD mixed with arnica, as well as many other pain relievers (herbal based, as those are the only ones my body tolerates,) does nothing to quell the sheer agony ripping through my body during a flare up. This pain is both felt on the surface as well as deep within. The best and most widely use course of action for many of us, it to take whatever pain relievers we can, grab the heating pads, curl up in as comfy of a spot as we can, clutch our abdomens, shed a lot of tears, and resign ourselves to our beds until the worst of the flair up has ended. Many women wind up going to the ER in a desperate need/attempt to find some better relief, but rarely do they get any true help as most doctors send them away simply telling them it is just really bad cramps and to take some Tylenol or Midol. I don’t much trust doctors and I know how rarely they take our pain seriously, so I just sit and suffer at home, usually alone.

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To give full example of my life during a flare-up, tonight before settling down to write this post, and even during much of it I am in the thralls of a pretty brutal flare-up. I ended my period on the 18th (today is the 21) and am 5 days out from ovulation, which means of course the pain is still heightened from my period and increasing again because of being so close to ovulation. For me, ovulation is far worse than my period (however, this is not to say the pain I experience during my period is by any means not severe or excruciating.) Earlier tonight, I was laying in my bed finishing some Hallmark movie and getting ready to delve back into the latest YA Fantasy series I was reading through my Kindle app on my phone, when slowly but surely I felt the specific throb of pain which I only feel during my ovulation phase (the three to five days before, during, and the up two days after my ovulation.) Little by little I felt this dull throb slowly growing to a more noticeable ache centered around the lips/clitoral region of my vagina, this is not uncommon for me, leading up to my ovulation day. During my period the pain in more centralized internally, around my reproductive organs, rather than the pain being focused on my legs and the outer regions of my vagina I experience during my ovulation phase. However, within a matter of moments the pain which had been manageable and about normal for what I experience around this time in my cycle, exploded into a nearly blinding searing pain. At times felt like my vagina was being crushed, like someone was ripping and pulling my vagina apart while at the same time squeezing it in an invisible vice. Even that doesn’t fully portray the pain in which I was feeling in that moment, but it is as close as I can get to an accurate description. The pain was so severe that, I was brought to tears (for those who know me in real life, they know tears are not something I shed easily anymore and especially not for an extended period of time), as endless wave after endless wave of mind-numbing pain assaulted me. I tried in vain to shift positions, to remove my clothing (to no avail as the pain was too much to be able to focus on the task of taking off my clothes, which comprised of leggings and men’s boxer briefs), only to wind curled up on the floor (after falling off my bed while trying to readjust and find a comfortable spot) next to my bed bawling, in agony, and clutching my sides hoping it would end soon. After what felt like an eternity but was much closer to 30-45 minutes the pain finally became to subside, allowing me to crawl back into my bed, remove my leggings, and regain some of my composure. Even now as I write this post nearly 3 hours after the flare-up ended, that pain is an ever present and ever throbbing reminder of the fact that I have endometriosis.

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The pain right now, during the duration of this post, and since the end of that flare up has been cycling between a 4-6, whereas during the flare up the pain was very far off the charts. As the hours creep closer to my ovulation day, I can feel the pain beginning to spread further into my body, around my back, into my buttock, down my legs, filling my abdomen and more. By this time tomorrow, it will become difficult for me to walk as every step is akin to fire coursing through my lower body and with each passing hour, every time I move it will feel like daggers are shredding me up, every graze or touch especially on my buttocks and back of my upper legs will send me through the roof bringing or nearly bringing tears to my eyes from sheer pain, my feet will feel this deep relentless ache that no amount of rubbing will dull. As I said above this pain, is vastly different than the pain I experience during my period in many ways, but most noticeably is the fact that during these flare ups, the pain travels down my entire backside (including my lower back, buttocks, and upper legs,) as well as in my feet, and on the outer parts of my vagina. Usually at this point in the phase, is when the pain starts to climb to become more noticeable until finally it becomes unbearable, however typically while the pain increases each day, it doesn’t really become unbearable until the day before, the day of, and the day after ovulation. The rest of the time, it can ebb and flow between painful, super painful, and excruciating but not fully intolerable.

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Then there is the endo pain outside of a flare up, which is far less severe and far more manageable than the pain experienced during a flare up. This pain serves as a painful beacon shining light on the fact that your body has invaders within it. Even outside of my ovulation and period phase of my cycle and an endo flare up can happened at any time, which makes for not so fun outings. Before I had endometriosis, I thought, I knew what pain was, but man was I WRONG! This pain, even that experienced outside of flare-ups in unlike any pain I have known before. There is no end to it, no such thing a real relief, no cure.

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For the next post, I am going to talk more about intercourse, pleasure, and orgasms with endometriosis. I had planned to touch on it within here, but decided it would be better discussed in its own post.

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Until next time my loves,

As Always I Hope You Have A Magical Day My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses

IMAGE CREDITS: I have no rights to these images and some of them may lead to products, however I am in no way affiliated with the companies or blogs they may lead to.

Image 1: https://www.instagram.com/p/B0jBb3dAoJV/?igshid=1k2yxrj6v0url

Image 2: https://www.google.com/amp/s/anglebaby304.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/please-understand/amp/

Image 3: https://www.google.com/search?q=endometriosis+warrior&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwiOsa-iu5PkAhVVMFMKHU6gBzAQ2-cCegQIABAC&oq=endometriosis+war&gs_l=mobile-gws-wiz-img.1.1.35i39l2j0l2j0i24.3847.8364..9261…0.0..0.125.1916.9j10……0….1………33i299j0i8i30j0i30.RVP4N34OWjQ&ei=tvVcXY7-LdXgzALOwJ6AAw&bih=718&biw=412&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&prmd=ivsn&safe=off&hl=en#imgrc=sq5UY4kAP3VRuM&imgdii=LVXidfcnmyWiIM

Image 4: https://images.app.goo.gl/B44b3HHFgGqCpsep7

Image 5: https://www.theunchargeablesshop.com/products/endo-nftw-sticker)

Image 6: https://images.app.goo.gl/bqXawr8TnjNtyZnJ6

Image 7: https://www.google.com/search?q=endometriosis%20warrior&tbm=isch&hl=en&hl=en&safe=off&safe=off&tbs=rimg%3ACbKuVGOJAD91IkCsDPSn2V0wWdOoxwllWLPpLVXidfcnmyUYqQUEvc8yNTe2JayijTeqWt0NhHLiF01J9puMUtLRAH1koQpx_1d1EKhIJrAz0p9ldMFkReiYLMuoJZ7gqEgnTqMcJZViz6REXOguNwGAoDSoSCS1V4nX3J5slEcw7eEcInP7hKhIJGKkFBL3PMjURtkEx8DKKa6QqEgk3tiWsoo03qhFlulPHnvf9USoSCVrdDYRy4hdNEV2KKd-cTumEKhIJSfabjFLS0QARDM1_1mEjaNGoqEgl9ZKEKcf3dRBE0

Image 8: https://www.instagram.com/p/B1O2KDNgwkZ/?igshid=x6lih1xo25wt

Image 9: https://images.app.goo.gl/tnR1Hy2UzJ1ohxjF6

Shattering Societal Norms and Expectations

Earlier today I got to talking with a very good friend of mine about societal expectations vs reality, especially for those of us whose lives dwell somewhere on the mental health spectrum. We specifically were touching on work and sleep patterns, how society expects us to be one way, but how we are creating and living life on our own terms, in a way that not only works for us as people, but also within the confines and limitations of our mental health. Society has very strong opinions about how people should live their lives, we see it reflected every day in movies, media, posts online, within our families, and beyond.

For some they are in the mindset that having a college degree automatically sets you up for success, that somehow that degree makes you smarter, better, more reliable. However, for those of us with mental health, college may not always be the best avenue for success. Between the pressure and expenses of college, it can become very overwhelming very quickly. I am in no way knocking college nor am I denying the benefits of having a college degree, but rather saying a degree doesn’t necessarily guarantee you success. Several of my friends have various college degrees across many subjects, but few of them actually work in the fields in which they have those degrees for. Instead, they have mountains of debt, but are unable to enter their desired field due to various factors such as a lack of the necessary experience, an over saturation of prospects vs positions available, and more. Then there are those who work within their desired fields, but it is not enough to make ends meet, or they are working so much, they have little time for a life outside their jobs. I tried the college thing a few years ago, but mentally I wasn’t in the place to be dealing with the stress that comes from college. A part of me would love to go back to school, but the money required is a major hindrance for me, as I already have an exuberant amount of medical debt, as well as a lack of consistent income which I will touch on later in this post. Times are far different than when our grandparents or even our parents pursued higher education, as the cost of living and tuition have gone up significantly while the minimum wage hasn’t risen enough to account for the rise of expenses of everyday life

For others, they have the mindset if you are not working a full-time job, you are lazy, you are a plight on society, you are worthless. Yet, for those of us with health conditions, and even those without, there are a plethora of reasons for why we may not be working. For myself, and others who live with mental health and/or chronic illnesses, we are unable to work full time or even part time hours. Many of us have to rely on friends or family to survive, use programs such a SNAP/Welfare (which comes with its own strong opinions from society, we will touch on this later), or we have to start our own companies or get creative with ways to make money. I did the working full-time thing, for quite a while, I was even working 2 jobs at one point, but was still hardly able to afford my bills and worse I was putting my health in serious danger. Eventually after pushing myself so hard, after putting my health on the bottom of my list, I broke. I found myself in my mid 20s physically and emotionally broken and unable to work. I tried to apply for disability, since I live with severe mental health, but was denied more times than I could count. Despite having a lawyer and years’ worth of proof, they still kept denying me. I also applied for programs like SNAP and state insurance, but that only covered groceries and left me less than desirable options for doctors. That didn’t help me with my regular expenses like shampoo, conditioner, rent, etc. Then there were the comments and the looks you get anytime you pulled out your EBT card. People would scoff, they would call me lazy, they would say that I am abusing the system, they would tell me to just get a job like everyone else. So many more comments were made, but you get the idea. Then there are those who want to or even are able to work, but there are no jobs available for them. To which most people respond with, “Just move to an area with jobs,” yet they fail to grasp the fact that moving is expensive and it isn’t always a viable option.

Since, I stopped working in the manner in which society expects me to work, I have bounced from one work from home job/idea to another, with little to no success. I have had idea after idea for ways to create income, for businesses to start. I have even tried starting a few businesses but have once again have little to no success. You see, when for those of us who live with mental health or any chronic illness, we live life by a whole different set of rules. The never-ending struggle and battle is to find/create a job that works for us on both a monetary level, but also within the limitations our health conditions places upon us. To the outside observer, I may look flaky and unreliable, I may look flighty, I may look like I am unmotivated, or even lazy. Yet, few realize how hard I am working to create consistent income. Few take the time to understand, that each of these ideas, each of these attempts, each of these businesses are my efforts to create income. While they may fail or it may seem like I give up too quickly or easily, that is rarely the case. I have lived with my health for long enough and spent far too long getting myself to a more stable place emotionally and physically to risk my progress for a job/company that will ultimately do more harm than good. Initially the idea, may seem viable, but as time progresses, I may come to the conclusion that for one reason or another it isn’t actually as viable as I had hoped, predicted, or expected it to be.

For those of you, who wish to comment something along the lines of, “just suck it up and stick to something,” as I said above, I REFUSE to risk my well-being for money. I did that before, and it nearly cost me my life. I vowed to myself I would never do that, I would never put myself in those sorts of situations, I would never put money above my health. That, however, doesn’t mean I am giving up on creating consistent income either, as anyone who knows me, knows that I have an abundance of ideas for creating enough income to give me the financial independence I seek. I will exhaust every idea until I find one that works for me. There are also those who think, I am okay with my life like this, that I just sit on my ass all day doing nothing. Yet they do not understand how hard it can be to just get out of bed some days, they do not see the massive amounts of work I am doing on myself, on my health, on so many things. Many fail to realize just how exhausting life is with mental health, or even how much work it is to function more days. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I ENVISIONED FOR MYSELF, NOR AM I HAPPY WITH HAVING TO RELY SO HEAVILY ON OTHERS. What people do not see is the hours spent on my computer writing, working on business ideas, researching viable work from home jobs, working on myself and my health, growing, and more. Every single day I work towards my goals, even if some days they are small steps, even if I get knocked back several steps, even if I fail at one idea, I refuse to give up.

For others they have the mindset that if you sleep all day, once again you must be lazy, yet for many of us, especially once again with mental health ailments, sleep quite frequently alludes us. For many of us, like myself nighttime is when we are most active or when many of our diseases are at their worst depending upon the day. I personally have tried just about every remedy, idea, medication, and solution out there for getting consistent sleep, but sleep still alludes me a lot of days. I am far from lazy, but insomnia has always been a massive issue for me. For years, I have tried to force myself to get on a more “regular” or “acceptable” sleep schedule, to absolutely no avail. It may work for a few weeks or even a few months, but eventually I revert back to my wonky schedule. Most nights, I was/am lucky if I get an hour of sleep, which is spread throughout the night, depending upon the day. A few months back, I decided to stop fighting my sleep schedule, to give myself permission to find a sleep pattern that works for me, society be damned. Let me tell you, that was the best decision I have ever made. While, I may be sleeping my day away according to some, I am getting real consistent and restorative sleep for the first time in my life. By allowing myself to go with the flow of what works for me I am no longer fighting sleep, I am no longer forcing it. I find myself falling asleep easier and staying asleep. This is not to say there are not days where I still struggle either, but I am getting more sleep than I have had previously. Small steps in the right direction are something I will always take. Part of this is due to discovering a new CBD which helps to manage my pain, anxiety, PTSD and other health ailments while I sleep, but part of it is also due to allowing my body to work at its own schedule. Here’s a little fact for you as well, for those of us who are considered “night owls,” this is not on accident, but rather a leftover biological response to the times of cavemen. Back during those times, we had to have someone watching the village/livestock/family 24/7 to prevent attacks from others, from predators, etc. For those of us who find we work better during the night, we never fully evolved out of that mindset, that need to be awake to protect. While my sleep schedule may not be societally acceptable it is a schedule that works for me, far better than anything I have ever tried, and for me that is more important than anything.

Far too many years of my life, far too many days, far too many nights, were wasted worrying about what others thought, were wasted trying to fit within the limiting societal expectations, molds, and boxes. I spent so much time risking my health, my life, my peace of mind, and more trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. Little by little, I started fighting against those expectations, I started breaking free of the mold, I started making myself the priority. Over time, I have started caring a whole lot less about what people think of me, what they say about me, what they expect of me, and a hell of a lot more about what works for me, about what is right for me, about putting my health and well-being first and foremost. I’ve stopped trying to justify myself, the way I live my life to others, because quite frankly, I just don’t see the need in it. I still try to educate people, but I no longer take what they say or think so personally. I think that is the most difficult thing for all of us, but especially those with invisible, chronic, or mental health ailments. There is something incredibly freeing about not caring though.

As always my Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses/Gods,

I hope you have a magical day!

My Miscarriage: My Reason For Stepping Back From The World

I must’ve written this post a 50 times over now, but never could finish it. I never could find the words to quite express what I was feeling. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t able to write through what I was feeling, for the first time writing, which had always brought me clarity and comfort, wasn’t able to help. I felt helpless, I felt hopeless, I felt so lost, I was a whirlwind of emotions. I was riddled with guilt, with sorrow, with anger, with so many emotions. I just wanted the pain to end, but I had no idea how to end it. While I am by no means, over what happened, I have finally reached a point in my healing that I am ready to talk about it, that I am ready to write this post, that I am ready to release all that I have attached to this situation….

On December 25th 2018, when most people were blissfully unwrapping presents, I was experiencing a whole different set of emotions. You see, I was due for my period on Christmas day, but Christmas day came and went, and I was officially late… In my heart and soul, I knew I was pregnant, even without some test, but I was hoping I was just late. I gave it a few more days, just in case, before I finally broke down and got the test. Not even a minute into it, the words PREGNANT were glaring up at me, my heart sank to my stomach, I went numb…. Fear, anguish, sorrow, anger, anxiety, so many emotions ran through me in those first few moments. You see for me, getting pregnant is not a joyous occasion like it is for many women. I was told many years ago due to many of my health conditions, that the chances of carrying a child full term without myself and or my baby losing our lives would be slim. I am a very high-risk pregnancy for so many reasons and factors. For the second time in my life I was faced with one of the most difficult decisions a woman can ever possibly make. I have always been pro-choice, because for me, having an abortion isn’t really a choice, it is a matter of my life. As much as there are days where I wish to be a mom, carrying my own child at the risk of death for either of us, is not a risk I am willing to take. There are so many other options, when or even if I decide I want to have a child of my own. As for birth control, that is not an option for me, as my body reacts awful to it, creating even more issues for me health wise, than I already have.

I sat there with my heart breaking because I knew once again, I would have to endure the physical and emotional pain that comes with having an abortion. I set my appointment for January 9,2019 but had to delay it to the 22nd because I couldn’t come up with the money for the procedure in time. In the state I live in, there is not much funding for Planned Parenthood, and I do not have insurance as it is unavailable to me.

I am not one who is made for pregnancy, as many of my health problems flared up, I found myself unable to eat (I dropped down to 100lbs in such a short time), unable to stay awake most days, I was hardly functioning. From day one my body was shutting down, my body was rejecting the pregnancy.

On January 11,2019 the Universe intervened. The night before I experienced a pain so deep in my core, I honestly felt like I was dying. I have endometriosis, so I am no stranger to pain, but this pain was different. The next day I woke up to some spotting, which as the day progressed, the spotting turning to light bleeding. I went to the ER, for them to basically waste my time, not really help or even confirm whether I was having a miscarriage, even though I knew in my heart I was having one. By the time I left the hospital I was heavily bleeding and cramping. For the next week I spent my time in utter agony both physically and emotionally. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for a loss like that. Even with the fact that I had known there was no way I could keep the child; it is still something that you feel deep in your soul. From the moment I became pregnant, I knew in my heart and soul I this pregnancy wasn’t going to last, I knew that even with the abortion scheduled I wasn’t going to make it to then.

In the days before I had my miscarriage, I knew what was coming, so after a divine download I wrote a letter to my little nut. In the letter I poured out my heart, I told them it was okay for them to find a mama and dad who could give them everything they could ever want or need. I have written many difficult letters and posts over the years, with all the various things I have overcome in my life, but writing that letter, while cathartic, was also heartbreaking. While it was anything but easy it really helped me to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with at that time.

In the time since my miscarriage, I have struggled with my depression, with feeling broken, with feeling like I was less of a woman because my body is unable to carry a child full term. We are raised, as women, to believe our sole purpose is to have children, to be homemakers, but that wasn’t in the cards for me from a young age. I decided a long time ago, that if I ever wanted kids, I would adopt, because I knew that I would struggle greatly with the emotions that come with both pregnancy and miscarriages. One of the greatest dilemmas modern women face is not having a real say in their own bodies. Our news lately has been riddled with all these conflicting opinions on abortions, the baby’s rights vs the mother’s rights. For years, I have wanted to have my tubes tied, but due to a lack of insurance as well as a doctor willing to do so, every month I am faced with crippling anxiety, despite taking all necessary precautions, as to whether or not I am pregnant.

That entire experience changed me, I pulled back from the world, I lost more than just my baby. It has taken me quite a while to get myself right after my miscarriage. I have taken this time to work on myself, to reevaluate my life, to focus on healing, to be alone.

Also, please, refrain from leaving any nasty comments on my posts/blog about how I am a murderer or anything like that, as you will not do anything to dissuade me in my views when it comes to being pro-life.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Affirming Your Dream Life

Affirmations are a powerful tool that is vastly underused, yet can bring incredible results when one is trying to make positive changes in their life. I love to use affirmations in the morning right when I wake up as an amazing way to start my day off on the right note. That one positive thought can change my whole day and outlook for the day.

Affirmations and mantras can be use to alter one’s perception of themselves, their situation, their life and many other things. They are a fantastic way to raise your vibes, to manifest your desires, to boost your confidence, and much more. I have been using affirmations for the better part of 20 years, as I was introduced to them by a therapist. At first, I didn’t understand their power and I felt silly doing them, yet as I have grown older and wiser, I have seen first hand how effective a daily affirmation practice can be. Now they are an integral part of my daily routine and something I refuse to go a day without.

Affirmations are most effective when use daily, especially multiple times a day, when spoken aloud, and when said in front of a mirror (GASP, time for a bit of awkwardness), and/or when written down. When looking for or picking an affirmation/mantra that evokes real feelings and emotions from you. Whenever you pick or create an affirmation, you must make sure you are using I AM rather than I WILL or I CAN. You want it to be present tense or past tense. I like to have a mix of things I want to manifest in my life as well as things I will to believe about myself (Confidence boosters)

Some examples of affirmations that I use:

I AM HAPPY & HEALHTY

I AM BEAUTIFUL AND BADASSS

I AM WORTHY

I LOVE MYSELF

I AM A SUCCESSFUL LIFE COACH

I LOVE MY JOB AS A LIFE COACH

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM FINANCIALLY FREE

Mantras like affirmations are one of the easiest tools you can implement into your daily routine, they can be one word or multiple words. I generally prefer one word ones as I keep the longer ones for my affirmations.

Some examples are:

EMPOWERED

WARRIOR

SURVIVOR

HEALTHY

PEACE

LOVED

WORTHY

Affirmations are especially powerful when combined with gratitude, especially gratitude rampage, which we will discuss in the next post.

The biggest tip for affirmations is consistency, like anything I recommend on here, the more you do something the better results you will see. If you truly want to change your life, you have to make a commitment to yourself to have that follow through.

Why I didn’t Report It….

People don’t report it because of B.S. like yesterday’s hearing, because of the weeks leading up to it, because in this society we seek sympathy for the attacker while simultaneously trying to discredit the victim and putting them on trial.

People don’t report it because rarely is justice served, especially if said person is in a position of power, a celebrity or athlete, or of “good moral standing” (basically rich white boys).

People don’t report because boys will be boys ( which apparently means they do not have to be taught to control their urges), because people change and they were just teenagers, she was dressed inappropriately, because “no” isn’t really no, because we don’t value consent, because they were under the influence, because they hooked up or kissed before.

People don’t report it because they are ashamed (being assaulted makes you feel dirty, makes you feel so many tumultuous emotions, no matter how many showers you take or how hard you scrub you can never wash it away, trust me I have tried), they are wracked with guilt (freezing is very common and the guilt of not being “strong” enough to stop it is very real and very hard to come to terms with), many times their safety is threatened, as mine was one of the times I was raped, I was told to shut up and be quiet or else he would go shoot my cousins in front of me and still rape me, he held a gun to my head.

I didn’t report any of the attacks after my first one because I never got justice.

My father molested me when I was 9, we sought justice, but because I was far too traumatized to speak at his trial he got to plea bargain and hardly served anytime in jail. We are talking he got out in less than 4 months because of “good behavior.” For months afterwards I had nightmares, I had to sleep with my mama, I checked every door and window several times to ensure they were locked, I was convinced it was my fault, it was because I wasn’t a boy (he always wanted me to be a boy, told me as much and cut my hair and dressed me up like a boy, even after my brother was born.) I was so traumatized and that incident as well as the ones which have preceded it have had a dramatic impact on every facet of my life, but especially my romantic and physical/sexual relationships.

So the first time my cousin assaulted me,he forced me to give him a hand job, tried to do more, but he only stopped because my other cousin saw and because I broke down asking him why he was doing this to me (this was within a year or so of my dad molesting me.) We never pursued it because I didn’t want to go through another trial, the first one was traumatic enough, because we chalked it up to childhood curiosity, because I didn’t want my family to hate me.

The second time when he raped me the morning of my mother’s wedding, I told no one… for years I kept it a secret. I was getting ready to leave for the Navy in a few weeks (I had worked my whole life to enlist, signed up for 8 years right off the bat and everything), I didn’t want to go to a trial, I didn’t want to have to recount that morning/night (it happened between 3 and 4 am) over and over again, I didn’t want to remember that morning, I just wanted to forget, I wanted to get away, to get as far away as I could. I wanted to go somewhere that he couldn’t touch me. The military could also give me the knowledge and ability to protect myself better (a definite bonus, although not my reason for enlisting)
While away at basic I had a massive nervous breakdown while there and ended up having to leave. I ended up losing out on my lifelong dream of being in the military, I had to choose to walk away from something I had spent my life working for, because I knew that I needed to process the trauma and wasn’t willing to risk my own life or the life of my fellow sailors (did not want to have a flashback during an important mission.) I had compartmentalized the whole attack which I thought would be enough, but the military is designed to break you physically and mentally and it shattered the fortress I had built around that fateful day. Losing the military nearly broke me, I lost a piece of myself that day, a piece I have yet to recover, I was devastated. It has been 13 years since I enlisted and not a day goes by that I do not wish things had turned out differently.

The only reason I broke down and told my mom, was because she had been thinking about allowing him to live with us. This was 2 years after the attack, 2 years of sitting in silence, 2 years of pretending like nothing had happened, 2 years of guilt, of shame, of flashbacks, 2 years after losing my whole world, 2 years of failed relationships, 2 years of a failed attempt at college, 2 years of so many emotions.

Even when I told her, we still decided to never take it beyond that point. My family had been through so much, I had been through so much, still I was trying to forget it ever happened. I wanted no one to know I had been violated, I wanted no one to know I had been weak, I wanted no one to know I was damaged goods once again….

Yet, even when he had a breakdown (while in the military himself, such ironic bullshit I lost my own chance to serve due to the trauma of his attacks, and yet, he who decided pretty much last minute to enlist unlike myself who worked my whole life for it, managed to serve quite a few years) and admitted to detectives that he raped me, I still received absolutely no justice, instead I was put through a year plus of hell while he changed his story, while I had to recount that night several times, while I spent my 25th birthday with a detective giving him every sordid detail from that night/morning, while many of my family turned on me (most still believe him over me). Because of the trial I was unable to go to my grandfather’s celebration of life ceremony, he was the most important person in my life, next to my mama, I still haven’t fully processed his death.

The others times before, between, and after those incidents, I didn’t report it because the justice system has proven over and over again they do not care about the victims. To me there was no point.

Traumas like this don’t just affect one part of your life, they weave their way into the deepest and darkest of crevices. Even when you think you have healed, you have processed it, you have moved on, it is ALWAYS there. They do not go away because of therapy, they do not go away after years, they are never forgotten, they become a part of you.

It is for those and so many reasons we don’t report it.

Unless you have been a victim you cannot begin to fathom the emotions that come with being assaulted.

Unless you have been violated on such a deep and personal level you do not understand the depths to which that shame, guilt, and fear can run.

Unless you have had someone make you feel dirty, weak, and like nothing more than an object you can never begin to grasp how that affects you for years, it leaves deep scars that will never heal. To this day, even after tons of therapy, writing about it, and having a very open discussion and dialogue about my own experiences I still feel all these emotions and more. I still get flashbacks, I can still feel their hands upon my skin. While it is better than it was, you never forget.

Even if you have experienced this, everyone processes trauma differently, it is not your right or your place to tell them how or when they should process their trauma. You do not get to decide their way of coping.

***TRIGGER WARNING- This section of this post may be very upsetting***

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It was the summer of 2006, I had just graduated high school early, had returned home from spending a few months back home in California with my family, and was getting ready to leave for the Navy. Several of my family members were visiting because my mom was about to get married to my stepfather. It was supposed to be a happy time for us all, an occasion we could look back on with joy, but for me that joyous occasion has been tainted.

It was the morning of my mom’s wedding, somewhere between 3-4 A.M., my cousins and I had been up playing manhunt, hanging out, and just spending as much time together as we could. With my leaving for the military soon and us all living on opposite ends of the country, we valued the time we got to spend together. With the hours quickly dwindling until the big affair a few of my cousins decided to try and sleep, while the rest just hung out and relaxed in the house. With a lot on my mind from my moms pending nuptials to the love of her life to my leaving for the military in a few weeks and having just ended a relationship with my partner I had quite a bit on my mind. Sitting down just inside the tent where we would be having the reception for my moms wedding, I stared off at the pond, took a few deep breaths, and allowed myself to just relax and be in the moment. All thoughts of the Navy, of my partner and their drama, of the jitters for my moms big day drifted away as I sank further into a state of relaxation.

After several minutes my cousin, who was 3 sheets to the wind sat down next to me, sat down next to me. We sat there talking for several minutes after which he leaned in and tried to kiss me, I turned away, but he pushed my down onto my back, putting his full weight on top of me. I told him to stop, I fought back, I tried everything to get him off me. But he had at least 50 lbs probably more on me and he was all muscle, I weighed maybe 100lbs. Pulling my pants off with his one hand, while his other had mine pinned above my head, he inserted his penis into me as he proceeded to rape me. Tears streaming down my face, I fought back with every ounce of myself, I thrashed around until finally I managed to slip out from under him. I scrambled to my feet, my pants and underwear still around my ankles, I tried to get away. He grabbed me by my ankles, yanking my feet out from under me, as I feel face first onto the ground. Mind you there is a small hill in my parents back yard, so it is already kinda difficult to go up without this. He flipped me over, pinning me down again, he went back at it. Again, I fought back with everything I had, and once more I managed to get away. But, that wouldn’t last as he grabbed me a 3rd time, slamming be back down on the ground nearly knocking me unconscious. This time he managed to keep his hold on me until he finished, although thankfully he didn’t finish inside me. When he was done, he just got up like nothing had happened, while I sat there in a crumpled heap, unsure of how to process this. The first 2 times were about 5-10 minutes before I managed to get him off me, the final time was over 15 minutes.

I just laid there for a few minutes trying to collect myself, because I didn’t want anyone to know what had just happened, I didn’t want to ruin my mom’s big day. I cleaned myself up, wiped the dirt and mud from me, wiped my tears away, gathered my strength and went back inside. I briefly stopped to talk to my other cousins, but then went to my room to finish collecting myself because my mom was getting married in only a few short hours and I wanted to make sure she had the best day possible.

The wedding went off without a hitch, I had to pose for picture with him, my family stuck around for a few more days, most of which I spent trying to avoid him, but not fully being able to because I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything. In the weeks after my moms wedding as the photos came back and we recalled that day, I had to put on a brave face whenever I saw his picture, or his name came up.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Taking Time To Myself

From August to the end of September, I tend to pull back from the world a bit. As those months are the times in which some of the most defining moments of my life have happened to me. It is during those months that many of the events that greatly influenced and shaped the woman I am today occurred. They are, for me, the hardest months of the year, they are the time when I tend to take some time for myself, when I give myself space and permission to reflect on all that I have been through in my life, they are the months in which I allow myself the space to continue to heal.

It was during these months that my father molested me (many moons ago now, but not something you ever truly forget), that I nearly died 2 years ago when my idiotic doctors once again messed up my medications (I had been on some pretty heave anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medications, in which I ended up going off cold turkey. This was one of many times they messed up my scripts and I was done, but it was a week utter hell as my body went through withdrawals. Even 2 years later I am still healing from this), it was during the months of August and September I have had some of my worst suicide attempts and when my uncle took his own life, and it was during the end of September that my cousin ended her life as well as when my grandfather (he was by far the most important person in my life, next to my mother. I am the woman I am today because of him and not a day goes by that I do not miss him) passed away. Each of these events have taught me so much about the value of life, about how precious life truly is, about how even those who are supposed to protect you from the monsters of the world may turn out to be the monsters themselves. All of this showed me a strength within, showed me that even when it feels like my whole world has crumbled I can persevere, it showed me that there is always a lesson in everything.

While I have come to terms with these events and learned the lessons I needed to from them, they do still affect me to some degree during these months. I never want to forget any of the struggles, any of the trials and tribulations I have endured, I have overcome because without them I wouldn’t be who I am. If I were to forget them, I would open myself up to the possibility of them happening again. I am however, eternally grateful for the products I discovered at the end of July, because they made getting through these months easier than they have ever been for me in the past. They have helped me to not completely shut down and shut the world out as I have done many times in the past. They allowed me the clarity and relief to heal but to also understand all of those events on a deeper level than ever before.

As Always My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,
I Hope You Have A Magical Day!