They Can’t Silence US

Let us get one thing crystal fucking clear here, all these new abortion laws are not about the baby, they’re about controlling women. If it were really about the baby (which at the time when most abortions are performed, it is still a clump of cells. And the times when it is a baby, there are life threatening medical reasons behind it. Don’t even bother trying to change my mind on that fact either. Abortion is not murder.) then the very same people who are advocating for and supporting these laws wouldn’t be defending or turning a blind eye to the detention centers, concentration camps, cages (pick whichever term you prefer to use) holding migrant children in deplorable conditions. I don’t give a fuck if they came here illegally, they’re CHILDREN and still HUMAN BEINGS. Those who support these abhorrent laws and actions always have some bullshit and/or antiquated excuse for their disgraceful and despicable behavior. However, those excuses do not change the facts. But I digress, this post isn’t about the migrant children, although don’t get me wrong, I am furious that it is even happening and have plans for a possible post about it.

As I was saying, these abortion laws are about control, they are about taking the body autonomy away from women, about keeping us in line, about trying to silence our voices. Gone are the days when women were quiet and meek. Gone are the days where a woman’s sole purpose and job in life was to stay home, cook, clean, and raise a family, because more and more women become focused on their careers, on bettering themselves and their lives with each passing year. I am in no way knocking the women who do want or choose that life either, as being a stay at home mom/caretaker/homemaker is a full time job in and of itself. Gone are the days where women are buying into the We must compete with one another mindset and it is instead being replaced with a much healthier mindset focused on helping, inspiring, and rising together. Gone are the days where women hide their sexuality or feel shame for being beautiful baddass sexual beings. Gone are the days where women accept having to fear for their life as normal.

No longer are we willing to stay silent, while our male counterparts make more money than us, based solely on the fact that they have a penis. No longer are we willing to sit back while other people make decisions about bodies and what we can and cannot do with them. No longer are we willing to stay silent after someone sexually assaults us, after someone abuses us, after someone takes away our safety. No longer will these “Boys will be boys” “But he has such a bright future” “What were you wearing?” “Were you drunk or high?” “Did you explicitly say no?” “But you were fine with sex initially” “That’s just how it is” and the plethora of other asinine misogynistic excuses and bullshit we have been told throughout the years to justify their behavior. No longer are we willing to hide our strength, our weirdness, our independence.

There has been an awakening, which was started many years ago when women marched for our rights to vote. That awakening is continuing through 2019 with movements like #MeToo, #TimesUp, #WomensReality, #WhyIDidntReportIt, #HeForShe and a whole fuckton of others, all centered around Feminism, around shedding light on the struggles, traumas, prejudices, and harsh realities women face each day. These movements have been met with backlash from those who wish to silence us, those who wish to control us, those who seek to return us to the kitchens, those who feel their power slipping away. But we cannot be silenced anymore. We have found our voices, we have found our strength, we have found our power. We will not back down, we will continue to RISE, we will continue to fight, we will continue to share our stories. We will continue to call out our attackers, our bosses who pay us less, those who let rapists and abusers get off without any real repercussions, anyone who tries to control or silence us.

I used to think the word Feminist and Feminism were bad words, but now I proudly proclaim that I am a Feminist and I do believe in Feminism. We are not seeking to destroy men, but rather seeking to be treated as equals, we are seeking justice for the wrongs done against us, we are seeking respect.

My Miscarriage: My Reason For Stepping Back From The World

I must’ve written this post a 50 times over now, but never could finish it. I never could find the words to quite express what I was feeling. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t able to write through what I was feeling, for the first time writing, which had always brought me clarity and comfort, wasn’t able to help. I felt helpless, I felt hopeless, I felt so lost, I was a whirlwind of emotions. I was riddled with guilt, with sorrow, with anger, with so many emotions. I just wanted the pain to end, but I had no idea how to end it. While I am by no means, over what happened, I have finally reached a point in my healing that I am ready to talk about it, that I am ready to write this post, that I am ready to release all that I have attached to this situation….

On December 25th 2018, when most people were blissfully unwrapping presents, I was experiencing a whole different set of emotions. You see, I was due for my period on Christmas day, but Christmas day came and went, and I was officially late… In my heart and soul, I knew I was pregnant, even without some test, but I was hoping I was just late. I gave it a few more days, just in case, before I finally broke down and got the test. Not even a minute into it, the words PREGNANT were glaring up at me, my heart sank to my stomach, I went numb…. Fear, anguish, sorrow, anger, anxiety, so many emotions ran through me in those first few moments. You see for me, getting pregnant is not a joyous occasion like it is for many women. I was told many years ago due to many of my health conditions, that the chances of carrying a child full term without myself and or my baby losing our lives would be slim. I am a very high-risk pregnancy for so many reasons and factors. For the second time in my life I was faced with one of the most difficult decisions a woman can ever possibly make. I have always been pro-choice, because for me, having an abortion isn’t really a choice, it is a matter of my life. As much as there are days where I wish to be a mom, carrying my own child at the risk of death for either of us, is not a risk I am willing to take. There are so many other options, when or even if I decide I want to have a child of my own. As for birth control, that is not an option for me, as my body reacts awful to it, creating even more issues for me health wise, than I already have.

I sat there with my heart breaking because I knew once again, I would have to endure the physical and emotional pain that comes with having an abortion. I set my appointment for January 9,2019 but had to delay it to the 22nd because I couldn’t come up with the money for the procedure in time. In the state I live in, there is not much funding for Planned Parenthood, and I do not have insurance as it is unavailable to me.

I am not one who is made for pregnancy, as many of my health problems flared up, I found myself unable to eat (I dropped down to 100lbs in such a short time), unable to stay awake most days, I was hardly functioning. From day one my body was shutting down, my body was rejecting the pregnancy.

On January 11,2019 the Universe intervened. The night before I experienced a pain so deep in my core, I honestly felt like I was dying. I have endometriosis, so I am no stranger to pain, but this pain was different. The next day I woke up to some spotting, which as the day progressed, the spotting turning to light bleeding. I went to the ER, for them to basically waste my time, not really help or even confirm whether I was having a miscarriage, even though I knew in my heart I was having one. By the time I left the hospital I was heavily bleeding and cramping. For the next week I spent my time in utter agony both physically and emotionally. There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for a loss like that. Even with the fact that I had known there was no way I could keep the child; it is still something that you feel deep in your soul. From the moment I became pregnant, I knew in my heart and soul I this pregnancy wasn’t going to last, I knew that even with the abortion scheduled I wasn’t going to make it to then.

In the days before I had my miscarriage, I knew what was coming, so after a divine download I wrote a letter to my little nut. In the letter I poured out my heart, I told them it was okay for them to find a mama and dad who could give them everything they could ever want or need. I have written many difficult letters and posts over the years, with all the various things I have overcome in my life, but writing that letter, while cathartic, was also heartbreaking. While it was anything but easy it really helped me to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with at that time.

In the time since my miscarriage, I have struggled with my depression, with feeling broken, with feeling like I was less of a woman because my body is unable to carry a child full term. We are raised, as women, to believe our sole purpose is to have children, to be homemakers, but that wasn’t in the cards for me from a young age. I decided a long time ago, that if I ever wanted kids, I would adopt, because I knew that I would struggle greatly with the emotions that come with both pregnancy and miscarriages. One of the greatest dilemmas modern women face is not having a real say in their own bodies. Our news lately has been riddled with all these conflicting opinions on abortions, the baby’s rights vs the mother’s rights. For years, I have wanted to have my tubes tied, but due to a lack of insurance as well as a doctor willing to do so, every month I am faced with crippling anxiety, despite taking all necessary precautions, as to whether or not I am pregnant.

That entire experience changed me, I pulled back from the world, I lost more than just my baby. It has taken me quite a while to get myself right after my miscarriage. I have taken this time to work on myself, to reevaluate my life, to focus on healing, to be alone.

Also, please, refrain from leaving any nasty comments on my posts/blog about how I am a murderer or anything like that, as you will not do anything to dissuade me in my views when it comes to being pro-life.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day!