Getting Honest With Myself & The World

The downside to always being the strong one, of always being there for everyone else, at mastering not appearing sick is that very few people realize the extent to which you may suffering or the severity to which the things that ail you truly do. People are so used to you helping them, many times they do not realize that you help them because you know what it is like to suffer and a part of you is hoping they will help you to. Now that I have finally gotten my service dog, I realized there are going to be those in my life who do not realize my true need for her.

I am not saying that people do not realize the things that I struggle with, as I am a very open book about most of my health especially my mental health, but rather there is a select few who truly know the capacity to which this affects my life. There are few who have seen the depths to which this has taken over. Most think they know but in reality, they only know what I choose to show them, what I allow the world to see. There is much more to the ways in which my diseases and my health has impacted every facet of my life. I have made a point to be quite selective with what I share, with who I let in, with what people know. I have hidden many of the details from my own family, from my best friends, from so many people.

I spent so much of my life wanting so desperately to be like everyone else, to not feel like I do, to fit in, that I learned how to appear “normal,” I learned how to adapt myself to not be the “crazy” girl, to not be the “sick” one. I studied those who didn’t have the struggles I did, and I tried to mimic them, their behaviors, their looks, their attitudes, I became a chameleon. Along the way I lost sight of myself, of who I was, of what made me… ME. This was one of the most detrimental things I had ever done in my quest for “normalcy,” because I became a shell of a person with a thousand masks that changed depending upon my surroundings or my company. No one got to know the real me, no one was allowed to see the identity hidden deep within. This allowed me to keep everyone at a safe distance, to keep them from seeing just how bad it truly was, seeing just how much I hated myself.

 I spent so many years ashamed of my struggles, of my diseases that I worked tirelessly to cover them up, to pretend like they weren’t there, to be “happy.” I spent so much time hiding away my truth, never allowing anyone the chance to see the real me, to love the real me, to accept the real me. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t possible for people to love me, that I wasn’t deserving of the love and respect I have seen so many others receive. I have convinced myself of so many terrible things, I have poisoned my mind against myself, I have repeatedly sent the message to the Universe that I am UNWORTHY, that I am BROKEN, I am UNLOVEABLE.

The time for hiding is over, the time for pretending is gone, the time for shame is no more. It is time to shatter the masks, to reveal my true identity, to get comfortable in my own skin. It is time to get honest with myself and with the world. It is time to give people a chance to get to know and love me for who I truly am inside.

I spend far too many nights scared & alone, lost in my triggers, crying because once again my PTSD has taken over. I spend far too many days hiding in my house because I am too scared of the outside world, because I so deeply fear what others will say or think of me. I spend far too much of my life consumed with these never-ending thoughts of feeling unworthy, of feeling broken, of feeling so many terrible things. So much of my life is spent in a state of fear that I end up missing out on so much, I miss out on grand adventures, I miss out on relationships, I lose friendships, I miss out on life.  I have spent so much time locked in the prison I have created. My anxiety is so bad is causing these seizure-like episodes, which has cost me the ability to drive. I hold so much tension, so much of my stress in that my body in a constant state of pain. There are days where I can’t even get out of bed from the pain being so severe, days where I just want to throw in the towel and give up. There are days where I have 10 or more anxiety or panic attacks. Most nights I am lucky if I am able to get 2 hours of sleep throughout the entire night. Half of the time is spent waking up, shooting straight up, looking around in a panic, taking several minutes to realize where I am, to realize I am safe in my bed, to realize nothing and no one is hurting me. I have been so hard on my body, from my years of trying to kill myself, my years of just not caring, my years of trying to silence the pain, and it is all catching up to me now.

This past year I have gotten very honest with myself, I have worked on shifting my mindset, I have focused on the ways in which I use my words, on the messages I have been sending to the Universe. I have put an emphasis on the foods I eat, on the products I use, on the people I surround myself with, on so many things. I have changed so many things in my life and will continue to change until I reach the life I seek. While I have worked incredibly hard in the last few years to regain the control over my life, to truly start the recovery process, to heal, I still have quite a way to go. However, I will not give up, as I have now had a taste of true happiness, of hope, of the life I have always sought. No longer will I hide away, no longer will I pretend to be something or someone I am not. While I am far from healing, I am proud of the progress I have made so far. I can say that with each day everything improves.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

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What Online Dating Has Taught Me About Myself

I have been doing the whole online dating scene on and off for some years now and it is the most confounding thing to me. I don’t think I am made for online dating or even dating in this day in and age. Most people on those sites just want casual, no one truly wants to date, despite most of them saying they do. I am not meant for this type of dating as I am serial relationship person. I am the type who falls HARD & QUICK. I want to be wooed, I want to be taken on dates (REAL DATES- not NETFLIX & CHILL, Dates where you KNOW they are a date), I want to feel like I am important enough to be more than just some hangout sesh, to experience the excitement of dating. Yet, that seems like an impossible request these days.

I also do not think I am quite cut out for the online dating scene as I do not understand how one can go on multiple dates with different people, I mean I am not knocking those who do, it is just not something I am wired to do. I talk to various people from the sites that I am on, but once I make plans to meet up with someone from the site, I tend to put everyone else on the back burner, I will maintain contact with them, but will put off meeting them. I like to give whomever it is or was that I met up with a chance to see where it goes, without it getting complicated by another person.

This certainly sets me up for disappointment and some definite heartache, because while I am willing to give this person a chance, the time and attention I feel is right, they may not be doing the same for me, nor do I really expect them to. As the way in which I approach online dating is vastly different than most. While I value communication greatly, I am not so good at voicing my wants, needs, or concerns, as my past with abusive partners makes me quite nervous and makes it quite difficult to ask what I should be asking. I also understand this is not a healthy habit to have, but it is not the easiest of habits to break. I am not a fan of confrontation, although I do not know anyone who is, so I would rather just bide my time and ride it out. Eventually things will progress into some sort of direction, be that into an actual relationship, or one or even both of us, saying “hey this isn’t really working.”

I think for online dating or even dating in general to truly work for me I have to become more confident in my own voice, in being like “Hey, just so you know I am not planning to meet up with anyone else, as I want to see where this goes. This however, doesn’t mean I expect you to do the same, but merely just letting you know this is how I do the whole online dating things” or “Hey, I don’t know what you’re looking for, but if you just want something casual, this will not work, as casual is not my thing.” It really just boils down to being able to be honest, to vocalizing what I want or need, I also need to stop settling for things that I do not want. This is something I need to work on in every aspect of my life not just when it comes to dating.

As always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Giving Yourself Permission To Be A Little Selfish- Implementing Self-Care Into Your Daily Routine.

What does Self-Care mean to you? What are the ways in which you practice Self-Care, if you even do at all?

To some it is taking a long bath with candles, special soaps, and music. To others it is spending all day in bed watching Netflix in your PJ’s eating your favorite comfort foods. To others it is daily workouts & meditation. What Self-Care means to each person will vary greatly, but Self-Care is something that so many of us struggle with, myself included, it is something that we always wind up putting on the back burner. We all understand the need and the importance for it, but we always make an excuse for why we cannot do it.

So much of our life we are taught to be selfless, to take care of others first, to put the wants and needs of others above our own. The only exception to this is in the event of something going wrong on a plane, in which you are told to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others. That is something that goes against what we know, to many it feels quite wrong. We spend years teaching ourselves that we are not allowed to spend time on ourselves, that is it selfish, that we do not have time for us. I myself, spent so much of my life doing all that I could for others, I sacrificed so much of myself for others, I always put myself at the bottom of my priority list, that I fell further and further into my depression, I tumbled deeper into the madness, I lost myself in the darkness. I put every ounce of myself into helping others achieve their hopes, their dreams, their successes, I stood by them helping them to thrive, while I withered away myself. I based my value, my time, my worth around them. One by one, they moved on with their lives, they found someone or something else, while I was left feeling a bit more empty each time, I was left feeling lost, feeling dismayed. They got exactly what they needed, while I got nothing, I lost sight of myself. It was quite disheartening to say the least, to realize that I spent so much of my life taking care of others, I didn’t even know how to take care of my own self anymore, I didn’t know what I WANTED, what were my HOPES, my DREAMS, what made my heart SOAR. I spent so much time helping others chase their own hopes and dreams, helping them get all that they wanted, and all of that became so ingrained in my life, so intertwined that it mingled deeply within my personality that I could no longer discern what was mine and what was imprints from all those who I have given myself, given my energy, given my time to. There’s a quote by Christopher Walken that so perfectly sums up the importance of self-care especially as a light worker which has quickly become a mantra of mine.

walken quote

This last year plus I have done a lot of soul-searching, self-development as well as made a major point to spend more time on self-care, because I understand that I am of no use to anyone if I do not first take care of myself. During my life I would get all hyped up, throw myself completely into projects, into relationships, into whatever I could, but I never took any real time for myself, which would in turn lead to me getting hardcore burned out. I would start off motivated, unstoppable, with all this hope, all this energy, only to end up with no energy, discouraged beyond words and leaving things unfinished. This only made me feel worse about myself, I felt so dejected, like I couldn’t be relied on, like I was a failure. It discouraged me to no end, to continually go through these brief points of great success only to be followed by long periods of doing nothing. By switching my focus to a self-care based routine instead of all work all day, I have found that I am far more productive, far more joyful, far more inspired, and in general feeling much better.

To me, what I do for self-care varies based off the day I am having, off the mood I am, the ways in which I feel. Now I make a point to work out every single day no matter how busy or tired I am, even if I can only get in 5 minutes of exercise I feel great. I am working on reintegrating a daily meditation/mindfulness practice. I make a point to connect with myself, to check in with my emotions, to show gratitude on a regular basis. I have also drastically overhauled my diet which has helped me feel better than I ever thought possible. For me self-care has become an essential part of my daily routine. My life as a whole has become all about the balance between Mind, Body, & Soul, about making sure I put just as much emphasis into rest and relaxation as I do into work.

When trying to implement a Self-Care routine into your life, start off simple, schedule 5 minutes a day to do something that makes you happy, that relaxes you, that helps you to connect with yourself. This can be a quick walk, doing some yoga, meditation, watching a funny video, it can be whatever you want. The point here is to just take a few minutes for yourself. What started out as a struggle to take even 5 minutes to myself a few times a week has become a daily 20 minute-1 hour part of my routine in which I just be with myself, I do what makes me feel good, what helps me to connect with my higher self, with what relaxes me, with what keeps me in the moment.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, Have A Magical Day!

Soul Family & Acceptance

Life is filled with moments, moments where fear and irrationality take over, moments where we give into years of limiting beliefs, years of feeling inadequate, years of fear based thoughts and opinions. Yet, it is in those moments we learn our biggest lessons, it is when we overcome those moments we learn our true strength.

It is no secret I have been struggling with my fears, with my my insecurities for years, and while I am far better with them than I have been in years, I still have many moments of weakness, many moments where I allow them to win out, moments where I forget my own power, moments where I forget my value or worth. I had one of those moments last night and voiced my concerns and fears to a very good friend of mine, and rather than being met with anger, with resentment, with harsh words, I was met with empathy, with understanding, with someone who chose to validate my feelings, who chose to see that while I am generally a beacon of light, light, hope, and positivity I do still have areas in which I need to grow. In the past when I would bring these sorts of topics up, especially to someone such as this person, I would be made to feel like I was being crazy, like I was being irrational, like I had to feel shame for these feelings. Yet, now I am being made to feel accepted.

In the past, for so many years of my life I found myself unable to voice these fears, unable to speak of my insecurities with others, but as I get further into this spiritual journey, as I delve deeper into my life coaching business, I find myself being far more forthright in vocalizing that which is on my mind. I am no longer, willing to just sit back and pretend like everything is fine, as to not ruffle any feathers, I am no longer willing to hold back my thoughts or opinions out of fear of backlash. It serves no purpose, but rather keeps me from allowing someone to give me the support & understanding I may need at that time. By keeping it to myself, I am not giving others the chance to help me, to show me that they are different from those in my past. By keeping those fears, those limiting beliefs in, those insecurities secret, I am creating a home for resentment, for anger, and keeping myself from growing.

It is truly one of the best feelings in the world to have people in my life, who see all of who I am, who see beauty where most saw flaws, who see progress where most saw limits, who see authenticity where most saw something to ashamed of. It is such a wonderful thing, when you can be unapologetically you without fear of backlash, of negativity. I am honestly beyond grateful for the amazing support system I have built in my life. Without whom I would not be here today, without whom I would not have this blog or this business. We all need at least one person we can go to, one person we can tell our deepest darkest fears to, one person who we can be our perfectly imperfect selves with. I am quite lucky as I now have at least 5 of those people in my life. I have found my soul family and to me that is the greatest gift and blessing in the world. If I take nothing else away from this journey, I take great pride and comfort in knowing that I will always have them in my life as they will always have me.

Acceptance is a powerful thing, especially when it is something one may not be used to. It is such a beautiful thing, when you can talk about your fears, about your insecurities, about your limiting beliefs, about areas in which you need to improve without fear of judgment. It is a beautiful thing when you are made to feel like it is okay to have those feelings, like you are not broken. It is a beautiful thing when you find someone who sees the darkest parts of you and loves you anyway and accepts you completely. It is a beautiful thing when one is able to free to be whomever they are.

We spend so much time, especially those in my industry, creating this perfect persona, we are careful to not be too open, to not be too vulnerable, to not be too sad, to not be too this or too that, but that is never how I want to be, and it is never how I have been nor will I ever be. I believe, in being real, in being raw, in being authentic. I believe in showing my vulnerabilities, in letting the world see my fears, see the areas of myself, of my life, where I still need to grow. For it is in those moments, we find commonality, it is in those moments we find another who just gets it, we find our soul family. When people read my blog, use my services, watch my videos, or whatever I want them to know that no matter what they will always be met with empathy, with understanding, with compassion. I want people to realize that who I am as a writer, as a coach, as a motivational speaker and who I am outside of my profession are one in the same. The Unicorn Phoenix Goddess is not just some persona I created for this blog/business, she is who I am at my core.

She is far from perfect, she has her moments of crazy, her moments where old fears and limiting beliefs still have a bit of a hold, moments where new limiting beliefs and fears may try to take root, she is still struggling with many aspects of self and of life, moments of weakness, moments of great sorrow, moments of weakness, moments of negativity. But she also has moments of brilliance, moments of clarity, moments where she takes all that pain, all that sorrow, all that fear and channels it into creating a better, healthier, thriving version of herself.

I am far from perfect and honestly I am more than okay with that fact, as perfect in unobtainable. I love the person I am, the growth I have made, and I love the direction my life is taking me. While, there is still plenty of work I must do, I am far better than I was a year or even six months ago, and I will be even better one year or six months from now. Life is a journey, and if we are not striving for better, for more, for growth we are doing ourselves a great disservice.

I always talk about choice, about how the choices me make reflect the life we live, the thoughts we have, the future we create.

I CHOOSE TO OVERCOME, TO PREVAIL, TO PERSEVERE!

I CHOOSE TO BE OPEN AND HONEST WITH MY FEARS, TO NOT HOLD BACK OR SHY AWAY FROM SUBJECTS THAT SOME MAY VIEW AS NEGATIVE OR PERHAPS EVEN CONTROVERSIAL!

I CHOOSE TO LET OTHERS IN, WHERE I SO MANY TIMES PUSHED THEM AWAY, I CHOOSE TO SHOW EVERY SIDE OF MYSELF TO THE WORLD!

I CHOOSE TO ALWAYS BE VULNERABLE, TO ALWAYS BE AUTHENTIC, TO ALWAYS BE REAL AND RAW!

I CHOOSE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT IS YOU CAN BE BOTH VULNERABLE AND STRONG, THAT YOU CAN BE BOTH BEAUTIFUL AND WISE, THAT YOU CAN HAVE BOTH FEAR AND COURAGE!

I CHOOSE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT I AM FAR FROM PERFECT, THAT I STRUGGLE TO THIS DAY, BUT ALSO THAT I LOVE MY IMPERFECTIONS, THAT THE STRUGGLE DOES NOT HAVE TO DEFINE ME!

 

 

As always,

HAVE A MAGICAL DAY MY BEAUTIFUL BADDASS UNICORN PHOENIX GODDESSES!

Spiritual Journeys, The End of a Marriage, & Finding Myself

In life; fear, pain, adversity, and turmoil are some of our greatest teachers, the problem is we are so focused on how shitty they make us feel that many times we fail to see the lessons hidden within them. We are so focused on how we were wronged, on what went or what can go wrong that we don’t see the strength we have gained from it. We are so busy blaming ourselves, blaming others, blaming life, blaming everything else that we close ourselves off from realizing that everything happens for a reason. So much of my own life was spent making decisions from a place of fear, from places of pain that I held myself back from truly going after what I wanted, I put myself in really dangerous situations, I stayed with people who didn’t deserve me, I didn’t go after my dreams or gave up on things I wanted. I spent so much of my life focusing on the adversities I have faced, on the turmoil I have experienced that I only ended up attracting more of it, which only made me feel worse about myself, about my life, about my choices. I spent so much of my life hating myself, being ashamed of my mental health, of my financial status, of my body, of so many things. I have lived my life making choices based off of my insecurities, off of my fears, off of the pain I have experienced.

I have closed myself off from those who just wanted to help me, while giving a home in my heart to those who only wanted to hurt me. I loved those who didn’t love me back, those who only sought to bring pain to me, those who sought to control me, those who saw me as flawed, as broken, and worthless. I spent so much time convinced that I was unworthy of love, of respect, of dignity, of kindness, and I projected those message to the world, and reinforced those beliefs with each partner, with each time I berated myself, with each time I allowed someone to hurt me, to speak down to me, to abuse me. With each time I forgave them for said transgressions, I was sending a clear message to the Universe that I am UNWORTHY, that I DO NOT VALUE myself, that it is OKAY to DISRESPECT ME. I have spent so many years scrutinizing every aspect of myself, that I am the reason my life is not where I want it to be, I am the reason I have attracted so many unworthy partners.

When one decides to go on a spiritual journey such as the one I have been on for the last few years, it will force you to look deep within, it will unleash truths you may not be prepared for, it forces you to take ownership over your life, over the choices you have made, over the decisions that have led you to this point. It forces you to face your fears, to get real, to get raw, to truly deal with all your demons. Spiritual journeys are not easy, nor are they for the faint of heart, but if you truly want to change your life, if you want to discover your own Unicorn Phoenix Goddess, if you want to be the best possible version of yourself, if you wish to no longer be controlled by your ego, it is essential.

I started this journey many years ago, but didn’t truly get serious about it until my soon to be ex husband and I separated. I was in such a dark place, I felt so broken, so lost, so confused. I felt like a total failure because once again I couldn’t make a relationship work. I was worse off in regards to my finances and health, than I had been in years, I had less direction than ever. During that relationship I compromised so much of myself, I changed beliefs I had held for years, I gave up my own voice, I became someone I didn’t recognize anymore, I became a shell of myself. I was so afraid to lose him, that I sacrificed my own identity, I was so afraid of being alone, that I gave him all of my power. The further I remove myself from that relationship, the more I realize how abusive it was, how detrimental it was to me at my very core.

For the first few months, I just kind of shut down, I went through the motions without ever truly feeling anything, I closed myself off from my friends, from the world, from the pain, I isolated and made besties with the darkness, I slipped further into my depression. Then, slowly I started reaching out, I moved out, I tried to move on, but I had still yet to deal with the emotions, with the pain, with the abuse, with all that had gone on during the marriage itself. For this past year, I put all the blame on him, especially with learning all that I have in recent weeks, but that’s not fair.

In the end, what went wrong with us is just as much my fault as it was his. I allowed him to treat me like that, I had myself so convinced that no one else would love me, that I deserved to be treated like that, that I had to put up with it, because he put up with me. I told myself this was the price I had to pay, because being with me is not always easy. It is just as much my fault because I didn’t stand up for myself, I made the choice to stay, even when things got bad, just as I have made the choice time and time again to allow him to take up so much of my thoughts, of my energy, of my self worth, of my outlook. I have been giving him power every time I talk about him with venom on my lips, every time I think of him with anger in my heart, every time I use his words to belittle and berate myself, every time I project my fears and insecurities from my time with him onto others.

That marriage and the aftermath of it, have been some of the most difficult things I have ever faced in my life, and that is saying something considering the amount of adversity I have faced, but with all that has come so many invaluable lessons. Lessons I wouldn’t trade for the world, with them I have found my true voice, I found my calling, I my life’s purpose, I finally figured out what sets my soul on fire. Through that marriage and the time since it has ended I have done major self development, I have finally connected with my higher self, I have figured out my worth, my value. I now have a much deeper understanding of what I do and do not want from my life, from my partners, I am no longer willing to settle for anything less than the love and respect I deserve, just because I want to be loved. I am no longer willing to silence my voice, to allow another to take center stage. I am no no longer willing to dim my own light to allow someone else to shine brighter.

 

As always,

HAVE A MAGICAL DAY MY BEAUTIFUL BADDASS UNICORN PHOENIX GODDESSES!