Life With Endo: Robbing You of Pleasure, Instead Giving You A Lifetime of Agonizing Pain

(*Image Credit: Endo Awareness )

In our last post we talked about the pain experienced during a flare-up from endometriosis. For this post, we are shifting our focus to a different kind of pain. As if dealing with the boundless torrent of pain ripping throughout my lower body is not bad enough, to add into that the agonizing pain and complications of having intercourse with endo is enough to frustrate one to no end.

For years, before I knew I had endometriosis, I had experienced painful sex. I always just thought it was because of me, because of the way I was built, because of how tiny I am. I convinced myself that this was my life, that sex would always be painful for me, that I would never be able to experience the pleasure others have. I tried to address the issue with some of my previous partners to no avail. Our society has raised us with the antiquated belief that for women our sole job it to reproduce, that our pleasure matters little, but for men their pleasure and orgasm is paramount. The porn industry hasn’t helped that mindset either as it gives men unrealistic expectations within the bedroom. As I got older, I learned it is difficult enough for a woman who doesn’t have endometriosis to achieve an orgasm, which meant for me that is basically an impossible task. Even something such as masturbation yields little to no pleasure for me because of the pain my body experiences at all times.


Having sex with someone who suffers from endo is complicated experience filled with a lot of trial and error, with lots of foreplay, and excessive amounts of lube. What does and doesn’t work changes with each partner as no two people are built the same. It is a lot of exploring different positions, adding pillows, switching angles to find the right ones. For many of us, any chance of us obtaining any discernable pleasure comes from a heavy emphasis on foreplay. The more time we spend getting aroused without insertion, the better chance we have of that arousal continuing throughout the entire time. Another issue that many of us run into, is how quickly we dry out, no matter how much we may be enjoying ourselves. Far too often, partners do not wish to stop in the middle to add more lube as they feel it kills the mood, but for us we don’t have a choice. Many of my most painful experiences with intercourse were a direct result of the friction caused by my dryness. So often men get into a specific rhythm or get so close to their climax, that little else matters to them in those moments.

At this point, I have all but given up on the idea of ever achieving true pleasure, of experiencing an orgasm, of having sex without pain. I have never had a partner who was willing to work with me, with my limitations of my body, of the ways in which endometriosis effects my body to find what feels right, what feels great, what feels pleasurable. Far too often, they may start off seeming to be willing to work with me, but then after a short period of time, they stop caring about my pleasure and focus solely on theirs. Over the years, I have learned to just bury my head in the pillow to stifle the cries of agony, to wipe the tears from my face, to make my suffering as silent and unnoticeable as possible. Each time, with each partner though I hold out hope that just maybe they will value my own pleasure as much as theirs, yet that is never the case. It shouldn’t be like this. I’ve talked to far too many women, who share the same stories as I have, of painful sex, of partners who seem to care little for them or their pleasure. Far too often, we are silenced because heaven forbid you give them advice, heaven forbid you try to assert yourself. I am sure there are those of you out there who are saying, “just be assertive, just say you don’t like it, find better partners, etcetera.” While that is great in theory for those of us with anxiety or whom have survived abusive relationships, using our voice and confrontation are not always viable options for us. Although, in recent months I have become far more comfortable with using my voice.

By writing the posts, sharing my story it is my hope that it helps myself and others like me feel comfortable and safe to open the dialogue between them and their partners. It is my sincerest hope, that with the series I am doing on endometriosis, life and the complications that come with it, will help to raise awareness, to help those who suffer with this horrible disease to not feel so alone, it will get people talking. I know for me, personally it is incredibly cathartic to write these posts, to share a little bit of what daily life is like with endometriosis, to find my ability to use my voice to ensure that my sexual experience is that of pleasure rather than pain.

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Connecting To My Power Through Masturbation

As part of this new journey I am on, where I am focusing on loving myself completely, there is one area in which I struggle with greatly. That would be SEX & MASTURBATION. Masturbation has always been a very sort of taboo subject, especially for women to discuss, but it was never one I shied away from. I had always been very open about my sexuality, about my likes, my dislikes, about my masturbation habits. To me, sex and masturbation are perfectly natural and we all do it or want to do it (unless of course you’re are Asexual, in which case you don’t feel the same inclinations we do. Which there is nothing wrong with either, as we all have our preferences), but society is still very much hush hush about sex and masturbation. It weird though, because I am still very open about my sexual fantasies, my masturbation, and all that extra curricular activity, but the actual act of masturbation has changed so much for me over the last several years as has the pleasure I derive from it.

Sex for me has always been a bit of a complicated endeavor, as I am the type who cannot get off without an emotional connection to my partner. Yet, masturbation for me was never really a struggle, that part was always easy for me. I loved it, I relished in pleasuring myself, in connecting with myself, in bringing myself to climax. I loved exploring my own body, I loved touching myself, I loved every aspect of masturbation. I loved getting new toys, loved trying new methods, loved the art of discovery. I remember a point in my life when I didn’t need the assistance of toys (albeit, I enjoyed them, but they weren’t essential to my pleasure), of partner filled fantasies, of videos, of all this other stuff to get me aroused. To me, masturbation was the best part of my day. It helped to relieve stress, it helped me sleep, helped me to wake up in the morning, it helped me with so many different things. I will openly admit that I masturbate at least once a day, if not many times most days. Masturbation has always been an essential part of my daily routine, but it doesn’t bring me the same levels of pleasure it once did. Something happened in the last few years to me and now I just cannot seem to gain any sort of real lasting pleasure without assistance of some sort. Even when I do gain pleasure, it isn’t the same as it was, it is such a struggle and it never really lasts that long, and I certainly don’t climax. Some of the things that kills me the most is all my sexual fantasies involve a partner of some sort, is that my own fingers do nothing for me anymore, and my toys barely do anything. I am really good at sexting and if I choose to masturbate while sexting, then I can generally get myself off pretty damn well, but when it is just me with myself, no fantasy, no messages, no pictures I cannot get the job done. Somehow along the way I became so focused on pleasing my partners, so stuck on the idea that true pleasure could only come from a partner that I forgot how to please myself. I forgot what felt good, what felt right, what my own touch felt like, I forgot what it was like to be the one who made my vagina wet.

Now, most times when I masturbate I hardly ever even get wet, which had never been an issue for me in the past. During these last several years, I have been put through the ringer emotionally and physically and all of that has taken a serious toll on who I am at my core. Where I once found so much enjoyment from masturbation, now I am so self-conscious that I can’t truly get into it. Where I once was able to take myself all the way to climax with my fingers, now my fingers feel foreign to me, they feel unsure, they feel almost disconnected. This struggle has left me feeling broken, discouraged, and dissatisfied, and quite frankly frustrated and fed the fuck up. Men do not realize how dang easy they have it when it comes to masturbation or the struggle that we women face. Masturbation doesn’t hold the same joy it once did for me, but I want to get back to the woman I was before all this, the woman who was unapologetically herself, the one who enjoyed pleasuring herself, the one who had a deep connection to her higher self.

I know much of my struggles comes from the fallout from my abusive marriage, as that rocked me to my very core. It was not physically abusive, but emotionally, and during that time I lost all myself, lost my confidence, my voice, my power, my everything. It has been a long journey over this past year plus to put the pieces back together, to find myself, to reclaim my power, to silence the voices he created. I also know much of it comes from this insane idea that I must have a partner to climax. Which is beyond ridiculous I know, but at this point I am unsure how to retrain my brain to believe otherwise. I used to be a pretty dominate take charge kind of personality, especially in the bedroom, and I have always much preferred the more dominate roles, but that marriage took that from me. It turned me into someone meek, someone unsure of themselves, someone who questioned every aspect of who they were. I want to regain my power, my presence, my confidence.

So NOW….

I am on a mission.

I am on a mission to reclaim my SEXUAL POWER, to be able to PLEASURE MYSELF again. A mission that will help me to reconnect with myself, that will help me to manifest my desires, a mission that will help many different aspects of my life. I know that when we, especially as women, embrace and are unapologetic about our sexuality amazing things happen. I am on a mission to pleasure myself without the use of outside sources, tools, or anything. It is my mission to be able to get myself off using only my fingers and to rebuild that connection and that deep understanding I had with my body.

 

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day!