Family Bonds: Blood Isn’t Always Thicker Than Water

Family can be such a tricky thing. Many of us were raised under the blood is thicker than water belief system, yet I have found that is rarely the case. For me, during my time I have found more loyalty, more compassion, more of a family amidst my collection of friends whom I know both in person and online than I have from much of my family members. After my father had molested me when I was young his entire side family had all but abandoned me. Interestingly, the only people who stuck by my side, who I have maintained any relationship has been my stepmom and one of my stepsisters. Once again, they proved to me, how blood isn’t always thicker than water. Then several years later when my cousin raped me and a legal case seeking justice was levied against him after he had a nervous breakdown and admitted what he had done, he managed to turn much of my family on my mothers’ side against me. While that side of my family has always been wrought with strife and struggle, they were the ones I leaned on most heavily in the years after my father had molested me and I lost his family. To once again, have people who I though were family, people whom I considered family, turn on me because of the actions of another was truly devastating. Outside of a few specific family members we hadn’t been as close as we once were, but to have them turn on me in such a way still hurt, still shocked me. Even now some odd years after their dissent from my life, there are only a very select few whom I maintain any sort of relationship with. There is one, who no matter how much time or distance may separate us, no matter what forces may try to tear us apart, will always stand by my side, will always be in my corner.

Because much of my extended family proved to be such a disloyal bunch, I clung desperately to and relied heavily on my immediate family members, which consists of my Mom and my sister who is 3 years older than I am, to give me that sense of family, of being loved and accepted. Try as I might, my sister and I were never close, we never had this unshakeable bond, we rarely hung out together outside of the times when it was expected, or we were forced to. Our differences stemmed from far more than just the meager 3-year age gap between us. At our very cores we are very different people, and nothing will ever change that. Yet, despite our glaringly vast differences I always maintained hope that maybe one day we would find that bond, that connection, that sisterly love. Yet, it would seem that hope would be for not. For us, it would appear these differences are too far apart to create any sort of bridge between. To say I am saddened and disappointed would be a serious understatement, but as I have learned over my life, there are simply some things we must accept. When it comes to her and I, we will never see eye to eye on the one thing that has created the deepest rift between us. Despite our differences, I will always love my sister and a small part of me will hold out hope for a chance at a real relationship. I also cannot completely blame her for how she feels as there were times where due to my mental health I made life anything but easy for her and my mama.

 

 

I have reached a point in my life where I only want those in my life who wish to be here, who will love and accept me despite any areas in which they may feel I fall short, who will meet me with the same empathy, compassion, understanding and forgiveness in which I meet them, who will want to be a part of my life as much as I wish to be a part of theirs. If someone cannot see me for who I am, as someone who is so much more than my struggles. If they fail to see the unwavering love and compassion, I have developed from all that I have overcome. If they do not see all the successes I have had, but instead choose to focus on my failures. If they look at the life I have lived, the wars I have waged and are not proud of me. Then they have no place in my life. I spent far too many years feeling worthless, feeling like I was undeserving of love and respect simply because my life doesn’t look how people expect it to, because I don’t follow their rules, because of all the other reasons I have been made to feel inferior.

Yet, something profound happened to me in the last few months during my reclusive time. Instead of just bullshitting my way through my healing, like I have done nearly every other time. Instead of compartmentalizing the things which were too hard or too painful to deal with. Instead of running away from the darker side of healing. I chose to face it all head on. I’ve put in an immense amount of time and work into my healing process. It hasn’t been all bubble baths by candlelight or facemasks and pretty makeovers. It has been wrought with sleepless nights, days where I felt like I was suffocating, hours locked in my room with the curtains closed, months of hard truths, and so much more. I am still far from where I wish to be, but I am better than I have ever been.

Now that most of the difficult part of my healing is done, it is time for me to refocus my energy onto my present moment, onto what I can do in order to create the life of abundance now know with every fiber of my being I deserve. My goal over the next few months is to really sit with myself and figure out how to create a true financial independence, what career path is the one I TRULY want.

 

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Advertisements

I Have Loved Many

I have loved many who did not deserve my love,

Many who did not return my love,

Many who did not need my love,

Many who did not understand love,

Many who feared love,

Many who did not love themselves…

But there was one whom I didn’t love,

One who needed my love,

One who deserved my love,

One who was crying out for my love,

One whose very existence was dependent upon my love,

One who, once I learned to love them, would never leave me….

I did not love the one who was most important,

The one whose love was exactly what I needed,

The one whose love was the answer I had been searching for all along,

The one whose love was the saving grace I had needed so desperately,

The one whose love was the key it all…

That one, was myself,

For you see,

We find it so easy to share our love with others,

To give them all of ourselves,

To love them unconditionally,

No matter how little they deserve it,

No matter how many reasons they give us to take it back,

No matter how much they hurt us,

No matter what,

We give them our love…

But, we rarely give ourselves that same love,

Instead we move onto the next partner,

In vain we hope and pray they will the one who changes it all,

They will be the one who returns our love,

They will be worthy and deserving of our love,

Yet, we still withhold that love from ourselves,

So things go great for a while,

Or by some miracle we do find someone who returns our love,

But along the way through their love we learn to love ourselves.

For many of us though, that is not the case,

For many of us, in order to find that love we crave,

We must first learn to get it from within…

To give it to ourselves,

We must explore the depths of our soul,

We must heal the wounds of our past,

We must lovingly run our hands over the parts of our bodies which we have deemed unworthy,

We must give ourselves the same loyalty and respect we give so freely to others….

Then, we invite the world back in,

Then, we venture back out,

Then, we give our love to others…

When we learn to love ourselves,

We attract those who deserve us,

Those who want to be with us,

Those who motivate us to be better,

Those who enrich our loves,

Those who we have been seeking all along…

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I hope you have a Magical Day!

Anorexia: The Never-Ending Battle

Anorexia is a war I have been fighting for many years now, one that I will fight for the rest of my life. Even in the moments when it seems like I am not fighting, it is always there in the background. 

Watching Netflix’s To The Bone really brought to light how much misinformation still exists when it comes to anorexia and those who are afflicted by it. Watching the stepmom in it, at many times infuriated me, because she was so clueless, she was constantly making it all about her, everything she was doing was ALL wrong. It reminded me so much of the people I have encountered in my life, the ways in which they treated me. I applaud Netflix for so accurately showing the ways in which people act towards those who suffer from anorexia.

This movie did more than bring light to that issue though, as for me it also forced me to admit something I had been trying to deny for a little bit now. Watching this movie, I realized that I could no longer deny the fact that my own battle with anorexia had started again.  As much as I wanted to pretend like I was eating enough, like it was just because I was too tired or too this to make myself enough food, I know those are all just excuses.  With my anorexia and having it as long as I have, it is no longer a conscious decision to starve myself.  I spent so many years as an anorexic that not eating became second nature to me. That is what has made my battle with it so very difficult. It will take someone else saying something or some sort of outside source to help me realize that my anorexia is back.

When my ex husband and I separated I thought for sure my anorexia would flare up, but it didn’t. While I wasn’t eating as much as I should’ve been it wasn’t because of my anorexia but rather due to the fact that I didn’t have access to enough food. I was so proud of myself for not falling back on my anorexia to control the waves of emotions I had been feeling in the time since we separated.

When I moved to Florida my eating habits got even better as I was eating 3 meals a day, plus snacks many days.  This was HUGE for me, because I truly believed in my heart and soul I had finally WON my war with anorexia. I was ELATED that this nearly 20 year battle was over… OR SO I THOUGHT.

Then a few days before my 30th birthday I was informed of many lies and betrayals, I was devastated by news from my best friend. In the weeks that followed my birthday, my heart was shattered, my trust demolished, my world crashed. I was put through such a rollercoaster of emotions; I had no idea how I was even going to deal with it all. With all this going on my brain did what it always did, tried desperately to gain control, but that was not so easy with everything going on, so it took over my eating habits once again.  I went from eating so much to maybe 2 times a day, to once a day, or not at all. It would be nearly 10 pm and I would realize that I hadn’t eaten anything all day or the last time I ate was when I had woken up, but then I would tell myself it was too late to eat or  I wasn’t hungry or I was too tired. This has been the case for some time now and it sucks.

But, now I realize and am no longer in denial, so as discouraged as I am that my anorexia has flared up, I am going to be heading back to therapy, making a conscious effort to eat at least 2 times a day, while also drinking high protein smoothies, and I have people keeping me accountable.   I do not want to go back to the days of being 5’ 7” and barely weighing 90lbs. I don’t want to go back to the days of constantly being sick and tired because my body was so malnourished. I don’t want to go back to the days of passing out from lack of sustenance. 

In the time since I separated from my ex husband I have done a ton of self-development work and this is but another step in the journey to loving myself completely, into becoming the woman I am supposed to be.

 

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day