Family can be such a tricky thing. Many of us were raised under the blood is thicker than water belief system, yet I have found that is rarely the case. For me, during my time I have found more loyalty, more compassion, more of a family amidst my collection of friends whom I know both in person and online than I have from much of my family members. After my father had molested me when I was young his entire side family had all but abandoned me. Interestingly, the only people who stuck by my side, who I have maintained any relationship has been my stepmom and one of my stepsisters. Once again, they proved to me, how blood isn’t always thicker than water. Then several years later when my cousin raped me and a legal case seeking justice was levied against him after he had a nervous breakdown and admitted what he had done, he managed to turn much of my family on my mothers’ side against me. While that side of my family has always been wrought with strife and struggle, they were the ones I leaned on most heavily in the years after my father had molested me and I lost his family. To once again, have people who I though were family, people whom I considered family, turn on me because of the actions of another was truly devastating. Outside of a few specific family members we hadn’t been as close as we once were, but to have them turn on me in such a way still hurt, still shocked me. Even now some odd years after their dissent from my life, there are only a very select few whom I maintain any sort of relationship with. There is one, who no matter how much time or distance may separate us, no matter what forces may try to tear us apart, will always stand by my side, will always be in my corner.
Because much of my extended family proved to be such a disloyal bunch, I clung desperately to and relied heavily on my immediate family members, which consists of my Mom and my sister who is 3 years older than I am, to give me that sense of family, of being loved and accepted. Try as I might, my sister and I were never close, we never had this unshakeable bond, we rarely hung out together outside of the times when it was expected, or we were forced to. Our differences stemmed from far more than just the meager 3-year age gap between us. At our very cores we are very different people, and nothing will ever change that. Yet, despite our glaringly vast differences I always maintained hope that maybe one day we would find that bond, that connection, that sisterly love. Yet, it would seem that hope would be for not. For us, it would appear these differences are too far apart to create any sort of bridge between. To say I am saddened and disappointed would be a serious understatement, but as I have learned over my life, there are simply some things we must accept. When it comes to her and I, we will never see eye to eye on the one thing that has created the deepest rift between us. Despite our differences, I will always love my sister and a small part of me will hold out hope for a chance at a real relationship. I also cannot completely blame her for how she feels as there were times where due to my mental health I made life anything but easy for her and my mama.
I have reached a point in my life where I only want those in my life who wish to be here, who will love and accept me despite any areas in which they may feel I fall short, who will meet me with the same empathy, compassion, understanding and forgiveness in which I meet them, who will want to be a part of my life as much as I wish to be a part of theirs. If someone cannot see me for who I am, as someone who is so much more than my struggles. If they fail to see the unwavering love and compassion, I have developed from all that I have overcome. If they do not see all the successes I have had, but instead choose to focus on my failures. If they look at the life I have lived, the wars I have waged and are not proud of me. Then they have no place in my life. I spent far too many years feeling worthless, feeling like I was undeserving of love and respect simply because my life doesn’t look how people expect it to, because I don’t follow their rules, because of all the other reasons I have been made to feel inferior.
Yet, something profound happened to me in the last few months during my reclusive time. Instead of just bullshitting my way through my healing, like I have done nearly every other time. Instead of compartmentalizing the things which were too hard or too painful to deal with. Instead of running away from the darker side of healing. I chose to face it all head on. I’ve put in an immense amount of time and work into my healing process. It hasn’t been all bubble baths by candlelight or facemasks and pretty makeovers. It has been wrought with sleepless nights, days where I felt like I was suffocating, hours locked in my room with the curtains closed, months of hard truths, and so much more. I am still far from where I wish to be, but I am better than I have ever been.
Now that most of the difficult part of my healing is done, it is time for me to refocus my energy onto my present moment, onto what I can do in order to create the life of abundance now know with every fiber of my being I deserve. My goal over the next few months is to really sit with myself and figure out how to create a true financial independence, what career path is the one I TRULY want.
As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,
I Hope You Have A Magical Day