Family Bonds: Blood Isn’t Always Thicker Than Water

Family can be such a tricky thing. Many of us were raised under the blood is thicker than water belief system, yet I have found that is rarely the case. For me, during my time I have found more loyalty, more compassion, more of a family amidst my collection of friends whom I know both in person and online than I have from much of my family members. After my father had molested me when I was young his entire side family had all but abandoned me. Interestingly, the only people who stuck by my side, who I have maintained any relationship has been my stepmom and one of my stepsisters. Once again, they proved to me, how blood isn’t always thicker than water. Then several years later when my cousin raped me and a legal case seeking justice was levied against him after he had a nervous breakdown and admitted what he had done, he managed to turn much of my family on my mothers’ side against me. While that side of my family has always been wrought with strife and struggle, they were the ones I leaned on most heavily in the years after my father had molested me and I lost his family. To once again, have people who I though were family, people whom I considered family, turn on me because of the actions of another was truly devastating. Outside of a few specific family members we hadn’t been as close as we once were, but to have them turn on me in such a way still hurt, still shocked me. Even now some odd years after their dissent from my life, there are only a very select few whom I maintain any sort of relationship with. There is one, who no matter how much time or distance may separate us, no matter what forces may try to tear us apart, will always stand by my side, will always be in my corner.

Because much of my extended family proved to be such a disloyal bunch, I clung desperately to and relied heavily on my immediate family members, which consists of my Mom and my sister who is 3 years older than I am, to give me that sense of family, of being loved and accepted. Try as I might, my sister and I were never close, we never had this unshakeable bond, we rarely hung out together outside of the times when it was expected, or we were forced to. Our differences stemmed from far more than just the meager 3-year age gap between us. At our very cores we are very different people, and nothing will ever change that. Yet, despite our glaringly vast differences I always maintained hope that maybe one day we would find that bond, that connection, that sisterly love. Yet, it would seem that hope would be for not. For us, it would appear these differences are too far apart to create any sort of bridge between. To say I am saddened and disappointed would be a serious understatement, but as I have learned over my life, there are simply some things we must accept. When it comes to her and I, we will never see eye to eye on the one thing that has created the deepest rift between us. Despite our differences, I will always love my sister and a small part of me will hold out hope for a chance at a real relationship. I also cannot completely blame her for how she feels as there were times where due to my mental health I made life anything but easy for her and my mama.

 

 

I have reached a point in my life where I only want those in my life who wish to be here, who will love and accept me despite any areas in which they may feel I fall short, who will meet me with the same empathy, compassion, understanding and forgiveness in which I meet them, who will want to be a part of my life as much as I wish to be a part of theirs. If someone cannot see me for who I am, as someone who is so much more than my struggles. If they fail to see the unwavering love and compassion, I have developed from all that I have overcome. If they do not see all the successes I have had, but instead choose to focus on my failures. If they look at the life I have lived, the wars I have waged and are not proud of me. Then they have no place in my life. I spent far too many years feeling worthless, feeling like I was undeserving of love and respect simply because my life doesn’t look how people expect it to, because I don’t follow their rules, because of all the other reasons I have been made to feel inferior.

Yet, something profound happened to me in the last few months during my reclusive time. Instead of just bullshitting my way through my healing, like I have done nearly every other time. Instead of compartmentalizing the things which were too hard or too painful to deal with. Instead of running away from the darker side of healing. I chose to face it all head on. I’ve put in an immense amount of time and work into my healing process. It hasn’t been all bubble baths by candlelight or facemasks and pretty makeovers. It has been wrought with sleepless nights, days where I felt like I was suffocating, hours locked in my room with the curtains closed, months of hard truths, and so much more. I am still far from where I wish to be, but I am better than I have ever been.

Now that most of the difficult part of my healing is done, it is time for me to refocus my energy onto my present moment, onto what I can do in order to create the life of abundance now know with every fiber of my being I deserve. My goal over the next few months is to really sit with myself and figure out how to create a true financial independence, what career path is the one I TRULY want.

 

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I Hope You Have A Magical Day

Advertisements

I Have Loved Many

I have loved many who did not deserve my love,

Many who did not return my love,

Many who did not need my love,

Many who did not understand love,

Many who feared love,

Many who did not love themselves…

But there was one whom I didn’t love,

One who needed my love,

One who deserved my love,

One who was crying out for my love,

One whose very existence was dependent upon my love,

One who, once I learned to love them, would never leave me….

I did not love the one who was most important,

The one whose love was exactly what I needed,

The one whose love was the answer I had been searching for all along,

The one whose love was the saving grace I had needed so desperately,

The one whose love was the key it all…

That one, was myself,

For you see,

We find it so easy to share our love with others,

To give them all of ourselves,

To love them unconditionally,

No matter how little they deserve it,

No matter how many reasons they give us to take it back,

No matter how much they hurt us,

No matter what,

We give them our love…

But, we rarely give ourselves that same love,

Instead we move onto the next partner,

In vain we hope and pray they will the one who changes it all,

They will be the one who returns our love,

They will be worthy and deserving of our love,

Yet, we still withhold that love from ourselves,

So things go great for a while,

Or by some miracle we do find someone who returns our love,

But along the way through their love we learn to love ourselves.

For many of us though, that is not the case,

For many of us, in order to find that love we crave,

We must first learn to get it from within…

To give it to ourselves,

We must explore the depths of our soul,

We must heal the wounds of our past,

We must lovingly run our hands over the parts of our bodies which we have deemed unworthy,

We must give ourselves the same loyalty and respect we give so freely to others….

Then, we invite the world back in,

Then, we venture back out,

Then, we give our love to others…

When we learn to love ourselves,

We attract those who deserve us,

Those who want to be with us,

Those who motivate us to be better,

Those who enrich our loves,

Those who we have been seeking all along…

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I hope you have a Magical Day!

Affirming Your Dream Life

Affirmations are a powerful tool that is vastly underused, yet can bring incredible results when one is trying to make positive changes in their life. I love to use affirmations in the morning right when I wake up as an amazing way to start my day off on the right note. That one positive thought can change my whole day and outlook for the day.

Affirmations and mantras can be use to alter one’s perception of themselves, their situation, their life and many other things. They are a fantastic way to raise your vibes, to manifest your desires, to boost your confidence, and much more. I have been using affirmations for the better part of 20 years, as I was introduced to them by a therapist. At first, I didn’t understand their power and I felt silly doing them, yet as I have grown older and wiser, I have seen first hand how effective a daily affirmation practice can be. Now they are an integral part of my daily routine and something I refuse to go a day without.

Affirmations are most effective when use daily, especially multiple times a day, when spoken aloud, and when said in front of a mirror (GASP, time for a bit of awkwardness), and/or when written down. When looking for or picking an affirmation/mantra that evokes real feelings and emotions from you. Whenever you pick or create an affirmation, you must make sure you are using I AM rather than I WILL or I CAN. You want it to be present tense or past tense. I like to have a mix of things I want to manifest in my life as well as things I will to believe about myself (Confidence boosters)

Some examples of affirmations that I use:

I AM HAPPY & HEALHTY

I AM BEAUTIFUL AND BADASSS

I AM WORTHY

I LOVE MYSELF

I AM A SUCCESSFUL LIFE COACH

I LOVE MY JOB AS A LIFE COACH

I AM SO HAPPY THAT I AM FINANCIALLY FREE

Mantras like affirmations are one of the easiest tools you can implement into your daily routine, they can be one word or multiple words. I generally prefer one word ones as I keep the longer ones for my affirmations.

Some examples are:

EMPOWERED

WARRIOR

SURVIVOR

HEALTHY

PEACE

LOVED

WORTHY

Affirmations are especially powerful when combined with gratitude, especially gratitude rampage, which we will discuss in the next post.

The biggest tip for affirmations is consistency, like anything I recommend on here, the more you do something the better results you will see. If you truly want to change your life, you have to make a commitment to yourself to have that follow through.

I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Loved Me


I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved you without fear,
I loved you without judgement,
I loved you without expectations.

My love for you was pure,
My love for you was innocent,
My love for you was unconditional.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you….

You loved the idea of me,
You loved the fantasy you created,
You loved a woman I would never be,

Your love for me was riddled with lies,
Your love for me was ravaged with anger,
Your love for me was brimming with fear,

I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved the idea of building a life together,
I loved the idea of creating memories together,
I loved the idea of growing old together.

My love for you knew no bounds,
My love for you was built upon a bed of trust,
My love for you was your saving grace.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you…

You loved your parties and your alcohol more,
You loved your cars and your games more,
You loved all these material things more,

Your love for me was caustic,
Your love for me was false,
Your love for me was not love.

I loved you,
But now I love myself.

Now I am learning

To love myself without fear,
To love myself unconditionally,
To love myself without judgments,
To love myself without expectations,
To love myself as fiercely as I once did you,

Now

I AM finding myself,
I AM finding my voice,
I AM finding my power,
I AM finding out how to be alone,
I AM finding my place in this world….

I may not love myself in the ways I loved you,
But I am getting closer every day,

I loved you,
I will always love you,
But you will never love me,
Not like I did you….

Yet, I hold no anger or ill will towards you,
I am grateful for our time together,
I learned many valuable lessons from it.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Giving Yourself Permission To Be A Little Selfish- Implementing Self-Care Into Your Daily Routine.

What does Self-Care mean to you? What are the ways in which you practice Self-Care, if you even do at all?

To some it is taking a long bath with candles, special soaps, and music. To others it is spending all day in bed watching Netflix in your PJ’s eating your favorite comfort foods. To others it is daily workouts & meditation. What Self-Care means to each person will vary greatly, but Self-Care is something that so many of us struggle with, myself included, it is something that we always wind up putting on the back burner. We all understand the need and the importance for it, but we always make an excuse for why we cannot do it.

So much of our life we are taught to be selfless, to take care of others first, to put the wants and needs of others above our own. The only exception to this is in the event of something going wrong on a plane, in which you are told to put your oxygen mask on first, then help others. That is something that goes against what we know, to many it feels quite wrong. We spend years teaching ourselves that we are not allowed to spend time on ourselves, that is it selfish, that we do not have time for us. I myself, spent so much of my life doing all that I could for others, I sacrificed so much of myself for others, I always put myself at the bottom of my priority list, that I fell further and further into my depression, I tumbled deeper into the madness, I lost myself in the darkness. I put every ounce of myself into helping others achieve their hopes, their dreams, their successes, I stood by them helping them to thrive, while I withered away myself. I based my value, my time, my worth around them. One by one, they moved on with their lives, they found someone or something else, while I was left feeling a bit more empty each time, I was left feeling lost, feeling dismayed. They got exactly what they needed, while I got nothing, I lost sight of myself. It was quite disheartening to say the least, to realize that I spent so much of my life taking care of others, I didn’t even know how to take care of my own self anymore, I didn’t know what I WANTED, what were my HOPES, my DREAMS, what made my heart SOAR. I spent so much time helping others chase their own hopes and dreams, helping them get all that they wanted, and all of that became so ingrained in my life, so intertwined that it mingled deeply within my personality that I could no longer discern what was mine and what was imprints from all those who I have given myself, given my energy, given my time to. There’s a quote by Christopher Walken that so perfectly sums up the importance of self-care especially as a light worker which has quickly become a mantra of mine.

walken quote

This last year plus I have done a lot of soul-searching, self-development as well as made a major point to spend more time on self-care, because I understand that I am of no use to anyone if I do not first take care of myself. During my life I would get all hyped up, throw myself completely into projects, into relationships, into whatever I could, but I never took any real time for myself, which would in turn lead to me getting hardcore burned out. I would start off motivated, unstoppable, with all this hope, all this energy, only to end up with no energy, discouraged beyond words and leaving things unfinished. This only made me feel worse about myself, I felt so dejected, like I couldn’t be relied on, like I was a failure. It discouraged me to no end, to continually go through these brief points of great success only to be followed by long periods of doing nothing. By switching my focus to a self-care based routine instead of all work all day, I have found that I am far more productive, far more joyful, far more inspired, and in general feeling much better.

To me, what I do for self-care varies based off the day I am having, off the mood I am, the ways in which I feel. Now I make a point to work out every single day no matter how busy or tired I am, even if I can only get in 5 minutes of exercise I feel great. I am working on reintegrating a daily meditation/mindfulness practice. I make a point to connect with myself, to check in with my emotions, to show gratitude on a regular basis. I have also drastically overhauled my diet which has helped me feel better than I ever thought possible. For me self-care has become an essential part of my daily routine. My life as a whole has become all about the balance between Mind, Body, & Soul, about making sure I put just as much emphasis into rest and relaxation as I do into work.

When trying to implement a Self-Care routine into your life, start off simple, schedule 5 minutes a day to do something that makes you happy, that relaxes you, that helps you to connect with yourself. This can be a quick walk, doing some yoga, meditation, watching a funny video, it can be whatever you want. The point here is to just take a few minutes for yourself. What started out as a struggle to take even 5 minutes to myself a few times a week has become a daily 20 minute-1 hour part of my routine in which I just be with myself, I do what makes me feel good, what helps me to connect with my higher self, with what relaxes me, with what keeps me in the moment.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, Have A Magical Day!

Becoming A BADASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN Who Also Still Believes in True Love

If y’all caught yesterday’s post then you know that I had been in a relationship that unfortunately has ended. During our brief time together that man made me feel such wonderful things, made me feel things no one had yet to make me feel, made me fall pretty quick and hard for him. Yet, more than that he gave me back something I had lost during my abusive marriage, during many of my previous relationships. He gave me back my belief in myself, in my value, in my worthiness, in my capacity to not only give but also to receive love. Our time together may not have been very long, but as I said in the previous post I will be forever grateful for it and I will love him always because of all that I received.

Yet, here is the one thing I struggle with, the one thing I see so many struggle with, men and women alike, but definitely more woman than men. It is something I have struggled with myself for many years. It is this strong desire to be the BADASS INDEPENEDENT WOMAN who ALSO has a LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, PARTNER. Yet, so many times it seems that people have this antiquated view that you cannot have both, that you must choose between yourself or having the partner and/or family you may be dreaming of. WELL once again I CALLL BULLSHIT on that.

It is not a matter of CHOOSING OURSELVES over LOVE…

It is not a matter of LOSING our independence to ANOTHER…

It is not a matter of GIVING UP OUR POWER to our PARTNER….

It is not a matter of SILENCING OUR VOICE to be lower than our SIGNICANT OTHER

It is not a matter of DIMMING OUR LIGHTS so that others may SHINE BRIGHTER….

But rather it is about UNDERSTANDING

Understanding that LOVE is the most POWERFUL CREATOR of all.

Understanding that one can have BOTH a DEEP LOVE for themselves as well as for another.

Understanding that we are not choosing, nor are we losing, but rather we are GAINING so very much.

Understanding that with the right person, our light will shine brighter, our voice will ring deeper, our message heard by more.

Understanding that we are not in any sort of way obligated to have a partner, but if you want one you can still be a BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

All that being said, for me right now, what I must learn to do, is to first become that BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN. For, I am a serial relationship person, I do not do casual, nor are flings really my thing. I am the type to catch feelings pretty quick, which is of course exacerbated by my abilities to feel everything so deeply as a side effect from my battles with my mental health, as well as being an empath. Yet, I have never taken the time to foster that deep and intrinsic connection with myself. I have spent so much of my life in relationships, most of which were incredibly toxic, that I do not know how to be with myself, I do not know how to love, to appreciate, to accept myself. I have spent so many years forming my beliefs around myself, around my value, around my worth, based off of the ways in which my partners saw me, based off the partners I was or was not attracting. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I saw myself as unworthy, as unlovable, I found myself desperately seeking out any sort of partnership , no matter how wrong that person may or may not have been for me, I ignored warning signs & red flags, nor did I head the comments of others. I did all this so that I could feel valid, so that I could feel wanted, needed, loved. I did this because without a partner I saw myself as useless.

Society, has taught us that as woman that without a MAN (We still have a ways to go with accepting those who choose nontraditional partners, and I have had both male and female partners. The struggle is real and not based off gender either) we are LESS THAN, that we are somehow INFERIOR, that our value, our worth, or very existence is determined by and for the sole purpose of catching and keeping a man, of reproducing…. We are so brainwashed into believing that without said man we are somehow defective, that we are somehow broken. This then fosters an unhealthy need to find satisfaction, to find our worth, to find love from outside sources rather than from within. This sets women up to find love with partners who seek to control them, rather than help them grow, with partners who wish to take away their power rather than embrace it, with partners who seek to silence them rather than give them the mic in which to speak. We seek companionship in all the wrong places because we are not first taught how to love ourselves, we are not taught that our identity is not defined by a man or a lack thereof. We are not taught how to be strong, how to be independent, how to be BADASS, but rather we are taught that men prefer weakness, that no one wants an opinionated woman, that we must be meek, we must be our partners subservient rather than their equal. We are taught to seek out flaws in others, especially other women, we are taught that life is a competition, that we must step on others to get ahead. We are taught that our power doesn’t matter more than that of a man, that our dignity and sexuality is far less important than a man. We raise women to believe so little in themselves than admonish and shame them when they stay with abusive partners, when a man takes advantage of them, or when heaven forbid they try to break free from those expectations, when they do not want a family, nor do they need a partner to feel satisfied. We need to change that rhetoric….

Yet, being in a relationship was no more healthy for me than being out of one, as I gave all of myself to my partners, I allowed many of them to control me, to dictate my every thought process, to change me at my very core, I allowed them to change deep beliefs. I only saw myself as beautiful for as long as they did, my value was determined by the time and attention they were giving to me. When in a relationship, I give my partner unlimited love and support, many times at the detriment of myself, of my hopes, of my dreams, of my values, and of my feelings. I spend so much time uplifting them, of making them comfortable, of helping them achieve their dreams, that my own become a distant memory. Then next thing I know, they’re moving on with their lives and I am far worse than I was to begin with. So much of my identity has been defined by my partners that much of it is taken from me with the parting of each of them. In a relationship, I am no longer myself, but rather an extension of my partner.

Now is the time I RECLAIM my POWER as A WOMAN…

Now is the time I FOSTER my SELF-LOVE as a WOMAN

Now is the time I MAKE MYSELF the PRIORITY

Now is the time I DETERMINE & DEFINE my VALUE

Gone are the days of ALLOWING others to DICTATE my WORTH

Gone are the days of GIVING my ALL to those who sought to ABUSE IT

Gone are the days of FORGETTING all that I OFFER

Gone are the days of HELPING others grow, while putting myself LAST.

When the time is right, I shall put myself back out there, I shall find the partner who is worthy of me, of all that I have to offer, but for now I must focus on myself, I must ensure that I do not follow the same path I have for so many years now. All that I have been through, has not changed my belief or my desire to find true love, but has rather given me a deeper understanding of what true love actually means.

A

s Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

What To Most Would Appear to Be An End, Is But A New Beginning.

Very few people know this but for the last few weeks, I had been seeing someone, it was someone I never in a million years thought I would have any sort of chance with, it was someone from my past, it was the boy from high school (you know, the one that you had the massive crush on, but never actually tell them, the one you always wondered about), someone who had frequently been on my mind throughout the years, someone who I always felt drawn to. While things may not have worked out as either of us had intended or had hoped they would, I do not regret our time together, no matter how brief it may have been. I do not regret the feelings I now have for him, the things that I said, or the things I did. I will never regret the time we spent together, not just because I don’t believe in regrets, but because he helped me, in so many unimaginable ways.

For, it was through him, through this relationship I gained so much more than either of us could’ve expected. He showed me a love and respect, I had yet to receive from a partner in the past. He made me feel beautiful, brilliant, and important, where so many others had made me feel broken, made me feel inferior, made me feel like I was the last priority for them. He helped to show me that, despite the ways in which my ex-husband made me feel, the ways in which he broke me, the ways in which he made me believe no one else would love me, it was not only possible for me to find love again, but to find it with someone who was worthy of me and all that I have to offer. He showed me that I am not defined by the words, by the feelings, by the lies of my ex, but rather by the ways in which I have persevered, the ways in which I have taken all that I have endured and turned it into inspiration for others, he showed me that while I am far from perfect, I do not have to be. He showed me that I am worthy of so much more than I had ever realized, he showed me that I can find happiness, that I can attract the “right” partner. He gave so much to me in our very brief time together and for that I will be forever grateful, for that I will always love him.

While I am so very sad that it ended, I understand the reasons behind it, I do not fault or blame him for ending it as we both have some work to do on ourselves. I see the validity in the points in which he made, I see the work that we must both do. I am also a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it shall be, I do not believe in endings, as you never know where life may take you. He and I have found our way back into each other’s lives many times over the last several years to some capacity or another, I do not think there will ever be a point when we are not a part of each other’s lives to some degree or another. This is also not me saying that I am holding out hope for any sort of reconciliation or a future between us, but merely that I am not closing myself off to that possibility, nor am I opposed to it. What I do know is that while I may be exponentially better than I was a year or even 6 months ago, there is still much work to be done. I am still dealing with the fallout from my marriage, from the ending of it (heck we are still going through the divorce right now). I need to finish finding my voice, finding my identity, finding my independence. I need to finish getting comfortable just being with myself, with loving myself. I want to make sure that when I do find my next partner, I do not allow them to define me, to change me (at least not at my core, as some change is both good and needed at times). I want to make sure I do not allow my value or worth to depend upon them or the time and attention they do or do not give to me. I want to make sure that my life, my heart, my soul, are all where I want them to be. I want to make sure that when the time is right, I am able to attract the partner who is not only right for me, but also worthy of me as I am right and worthy of them.

I will say this though, that man will make some woman very happy one day and she will be incredibly lucky, as I got but a glimpse of what he is like to have as a partner and it was amazing. He has a lot to offer the world and I cannot wait to see him share his brilliance with the world. If he gives his next partner even a fraction of the love, the support, the understanding he gave to me, she will be the happiest person in the world. I wish nothing but the best for him, for his future, for wherever life may take him. I know that he will go very far in this life. As will I.

The ending of this has also confirmed something to me I have been debating for a few months now, I must head back up North, at least for a little while, not permanently. This is not something I am a particular fan of, as I have little desire to go back there,  but I understand the necessity for it. There are many doors I must close, chords I must cut, goodbyes I must say in order to finally be able to close the book on my life up there. I know as long as I still have things that bind me to there, I will never truly be able to move on with my life, I will never fully manifest my desires because I will still be holding onto the past. I also know it is not enough for me to simply say I am done with it, I must physically go up there to gain the closure I not only seek but also need. Much of my stuff is still scattered about between my storage unit, my ex’s, and a few other places plus my ex and I must finalize our divorce and I would much prefer to be present for the whole process as I no longer trust things will be as amicable as we had originally hoped. When I left Jersey, my intention was not to move, at least not right away. I was only supposed to visit my friend in Georgia, then go back to Jersey, finalize my divorce, say goodbye to my friends, to my family, and move with my stuff to my next destination wherever that was to be. Yet, instead I wound up moving there, with very little of my stuff, with never having said goodbye to anyone, and my marriage in a weird state of confusion. So soon is the time for me to do this the right way, the way I should have from the beginning.

I know in my heart that while I love Florida, I love the life I have created here, I love the woman I have become here, I must return to Jersey. Where I go after that is up in the air as well, as much as I love Florida, I do not feel it is my forever home. What I do know is, these next several months are about me, about truly gaining my independence, about gaining real closure, about moving on with my life. My vow to myself here and now is to spend the next several months, just being with myself, learning to love myself rather than looking for that love within a partner, learning to accept myself rather comparing myself to others. My vow is that I will give myself the time and the space to truly heal, to move on, to become the best possible version of myself, to do the soul work I need to do. My vow to myself is that I will foster such a deep love for myself that it will not be shaken or shattered by the thoughts or opinions of others. My vow is that I will spend much needed time on retrospection, on growth, on the things in which I always put on the back burner. My vow is that I will make myself, my health, my life, my soul, my work, my self-care my biggest priority. My vow is to make me the primary focus for once.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!