Taking Time To Myself

From August to the end of September, I tend to pull back from the world a bit. As those months are the times in which some of the most defining moments of my life have happened to me. It is during those months that many of the events that greatly influenced and shaped the woman I am today occurred. They are, for me, the hardest months of the year, they are the time when I tend to take some time for myself, when I give myself space and permission to reflect on all that I have been through in my life, they are the months in which I allow myself the space to continue to heal.

It was during these months that my father molested me (many moons ago now, but not something you ever truly forget), that I nearly died 2 years ago when my idiotic doctors once again messed up my medications (I had been on some pretty heave anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medications, in which I ended up going off cold turkey. This was one of many times they messed up my scripts and I was done, but it was a week utter hell as my body went through withdrawals. Even 2 years later I am still healing from this), it was during the months of August and September I have had some of my worst suicide attempts and when my uncle took his own life, and it was during the end of September that my cousin ended her life as well as when my grandfather (he was by far the most important person in my life, next to my mother. I am the woman I am today because of him and not a day goes by that I do not miss him) passed away. Each of these events have taught me so much about the value of life, about how precious life truly is, about how even those who are supposed to protect you from the monsters of the world may turn out to be the monsters themselves. All of this showed me a strength within, showed me that even when it feels like my whole world has crumbled I can persevere, it showed me that there is always a lesson in everything.

While I have come to terms with these events and learned the lessons I needed to from them, they do still affect me to some degree during these months. I never want to forget any of the struggles, any of the trials and tribulations I have endured, I have overcome because without them I wouldn’t be who I am. If I were to forget them, I would open myself up to the possibility of them happening again. I am however, eternally grateful for the products I discovered at the end of July, because they made getting through these months easier than they have ever been for me in the past. They have helped me to not completely shut down and shut the world out as I have done many times in the past. They allowed me the clarity and relief to heal but to also understand all of those events on a deeper level than ever before.

As Always My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,
I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

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Getting Honest With Myself & The World

The downside to always being the strong one, of always being there for everyone else, at mastering not appearing sick is that very few people realize the extent to which you may suffering or the severity to which the things that ail you truly do. People are so used to you helping them, many times they do not realize that you help them because you know what it is like to suffer and a part of you is hoping they will help you to. Now that I have finally gotten my service dog, I realized there are going to be those in my life who do not realize my true need for her.

I am not saying that people do not realize the things that I struggle with, as I am a very open book about most of my health especially my mental health, but rather there is a select few who truly know the capacity to which this affects my life. There are few who have seen the depths to which this has taken over. Most think they know but in reality, they only know what I choose to show them, what I allow the world to see. There is much more to the ways in which my diseases and my health has impacted every facet of my life. I have made a point to be quite selective with what I share, with who I let in, with what people know. I have hidden many of the details from my own family, from my best friends, from so many people.

I spent so much of my life wanting so desperately to be like everyone else, to not feel like I do, to fit in, that I learned how to appear “normal,” I learned how to adapt myself to not be the “crazy” girl, to not be the “sick” one. I studied those who didn’t have the struggles I did, and I tried to mimic them, their behaviors, their looks, their attitudes, I became a chameleon. Along the way I lost sight of myself, of who I was, of what made me… ME. This was one of the most detrimental things I had ever done in my quest for “normalcy,” because I became a shell of a person with a thousand masks that changed depending upon my surroundings or my company. No one got to know the real me, no one was allowed to see the identity hidden deep within. This allowed me to keep everyone at a safe distance, to keep them from seeing just how bad it truly was, seeing just how much I hated myself.

 I spent so many years ashamed of my struggles, of my diseases that I worked tirelessly to cover them up, to pretend like they weren’t there, to be “happy.” I spent so much time hiding away my truth, never allowing anyone the chance to see the real me, to love the real me, to accept the real me. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t possible for people to love me, that I wasn’t deserving of the love and respect I have seen so many others receive. I have convinced myself of so many terrible things, I have poisoned my mind against myself, I have repeatedly sent the message to the Universe that I am UNWORTHY, that I am BROKEN, I am UNLOVEABLE.

The time for hiding is over, the time for pretending is gone, the time for shame is no more. It is time to shatter the masks, to reveal my true identity, to get comfortable in my own skin. It is time to get honest with myself and with the world. It is time to give people a chance to get to know and love me for who I truly am inside.

I spend far too many nights scared & alone, lost in my triggers, crying because once again my PTSD has taken over. I spend far too many days hiding in my house because I am too scared of the outside world, because I so deeply fear what others will say or think of me. I spend far too much of my life consumed with these never-ending thoughts of feeling unworthy, of feeling broken, of feeling so many terrible things. So much of my life is spent in a state of fear that I end up missing out on so much, I miss out on grand adventures, I miss out on relationships, I lose friendships, I miss out on life.  I have spent so much time locked in the prison I have created. My anxiety is so bad is causing these seizure-like episodes, which has cost me the ability to drive. I hold so much tension, so much of my stress in that my body in a constant state of pain. There are days where I can’t even get out of bed from the pain being so severe, days where I just want to throw in the towel and give up. There are days where I have 10 or more anxiety or panic attacks. Most nights I am lucky if I am able to get 2 hours of sleep throughout the entire night. Half of the time is spent waking up, shooting straight up, looking around in a panic, taking several minutes to realize where I am, to realize I am safe in my bed, to realize nothing and no one is hurting me. I have been so hard on my body, from my years of trying to kill myself, my years of just not caring, my years of trying to silence the pain, and it is all catching up to me now.

This past year I have gotten very honest with myself, I have worked on shifting my mindset, I have focused on the ways in which I use my words, on the messages I have been sending to the Universe. I have put an emphasis on the foods I eat, on the products I use, on the people I surround myself with, on so many things. I have changed so many things in my life and will continue to change until I reach the life I seek. While I have worked incredibly hard in the last few years to regain the control over my life, to truly start the recovery process, to heal, I still have quite a way to go. However, I will not give up, as I have now had a taste of true happiness, of hope, of the life I have always sought. No longer will I hide away, no longer will I pretend to be something or someone I am not. While I am far from healing, I am proud of the progress I have made so far. I can say that with each day everything improves.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

I Loved You, But Not In The Way You Loved Me


I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved you without fear,
I loved you without judgement,
I loved you without expectations.

My love for you was pure,
My love for you was innocent,
My love for you was unconditional.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you….

You loved the idea of me,
You loved the fantasy you created,
You loved a woman I would never be,

Your love for me was riddled with lies,
Your love for me was ravaged with anger,
Your love for me was brimming with fear,

I loved you,
But not in the way you loved me…

I loved the idea of building a life together,
I loved the idea of creating memories together,
I loved the idea of growing old together.

My love for you knew no bounds,
My love for you was built upon a bed of trust,
My love for you was your saving grace.

You didn’t love me,
Not like I loved you…

You loved your parties and your alcohol more,
You loved your cars and your games more,
You loved all these material things more,

Your love for me was caustic,
Your love for me was false,
Your love for me was not love.

I loved you,
But now I love myself.

Now I am learning

To love myself without fear,
To love myself unconditionally,
To love myself without judgments,
To love myself without expectations,
To love myself as fiercely as I once did you,

Now

I AM finding myself,
I AM finding my voice,
I AM finding my power,
I AM finding out how to be alone,
I AM finding my place in this world….

I may not love myself in the ways I loved you,
But I am getting closer every day,

I loved you,
I will always love you,
But you will never love me,
Not like I did you….

Yet, I hold no anger or ill will towards you,
I am grateful for our time together,
I learned many valuable lessons from it.

As Always,

My Beautiful Baddass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

A Letter To My Past Lovers

I loved you for all the wrong reasons at all the right times.

I loved you because there was a time when you made my darkness a little bit brighter.

I loved you because there was a time when you made my pain a little bit more bearable.

I loved you because even if only for a few moments you silenced the voices that tore me down.

I loved you because there was a time when you waltzed with my demons.

I loved you because you made me feel such wonderous things.

I loved you because you made me feel whole.

I loved you because you made me feel beautiful.

I loved you because you gave me the things in which I couldn’t give to myself.

Yet, many of the reasons I loved you, faded away over time….

Instead of brightening my darkness, you added to it.

Instead of easing my pain, you made it worse.

Instead of silenced the voices, you created some new ones.

Instead of waltzing with my demons, you became one of them.

Instead of giving the wondrous things, you gave me heartache, self-doubt, anguish.

Instead of making me feel whole, you made me feel broken.

Instead of making me feel beautiful, you made me feel ugly and unworthy.

You gave me so much, you left with me with so much,

But beyond the bad, beyond the pain, beyond the heartache,

You gave me something else.

You gave me lessons to be learned.

You gave me power to be gained.

You game me a voice with which to be heard.

You gave me strength to persevere.

You gave me courage to fight for myself.

My dear lovers, I do not regret our time together, for regrets are such silly pointless things to me…

I am grateful to each of you for the invaluable changes you brought to my life.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses, I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Our Bodies Are Not Our Own…. But They Should Be!

I am not one to typically talk about political issues often on public forums such as this, but as a woman the current directions of the policies affects me directly. So we are going to talk about a very hot button and personal issue for me, but it is something I feel incredibly passionate about. I had made a video about part of this subject on my personal Facebook page many months ago, and was honestly shocked at the love and support I received. As a woman, for the first time in a very long time I am honestly terrified for my safety, as my rights and those of other women are being threatened in my country. Things like Planned Parenthood and rulings like Roe VS Wade gives women a safe place to get the medical care and attention they need and deserve, but now all of that may be stripped away from us. Do people so easily forget about when girls were having babies at prom and dumping them down the toilet or leaving them in dumpsters? Do they not remember the horror stories of coat hanger abortions? Do they not realize that by defunding programs like Planned Parenthood, like overturning Roe VS. Wade they are not going to prevent abortions, but rather put more lives at risk? Do they not understand that by doing all this they prevent women from having access to birth control, to safe spaces where they can learn about their bodies, the changes that occur, and the complications that come from being a woman?

That being said, I understand we all have our own opinions, our own experiences, our own paths and journeys in which we are embarking upon, and I respect everyone’s rights to their opinions, to their feelings, to their perspectives, all I ask is that others show me the same level of respect. I am not under the impression that everyone will agree with my thoughts or opinions, but we are all adults and should take time to step out of ourselves, out of our own ego and try to understand the reasons behind others choices.

Deep breaths, here we go…. Please understand this, like many of my posts, is incredibly hard for me to make, and this is about much more than just abortion, this is about women’s rights as a whole. I had an abortion, when I was 26… Y’all need to understand something here that was by far one of the most heartbreaking and hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. While, I do not in any way regret my decision that does not mean it was an easy one to deal with. It is a decision I did not and still do not take lightly, it is one I have thought about many times over.

A little backstory for y’all, having kids biologically that I carry in my own belly is not an option for me, I was informed of this fact many years ago, and while it broke my heart when I found out, I learned to live with that reality, I accepted it and told myself I would adopt. It is far too risky for my health as well as for any potential child for me to even consider having one. Outside of those risks, as someone who lives with pretty severe mental health issues, that adds a whole new level of risk for complications during and post pregnancy. The chances of me carrying the child to full term without myself and or the child losing our lives are incredibly slim and those are not a risks I am willing to take. While I do not take birth control, as my body very severely adversely reacts to the hormones, I do take proper precautions when having sex, but you can’t control everything. Having my tubes tied, while I wish I could find a doctor willing to do it, also isn’t an option until I am 35. I also have a very firm belief that women should have access to ALL of the medical care they need, whether it be birth control, safe abortions, treatment for STD’s, and more.

I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant, I could feel it, I didn’t need some test (although, I still took one) and I was devastated to say the least. It was hard enough learning that I would never be able to carry a child of my own all those years before, but then to find out I was pregnant only made that pain that much worse. I knew I had a decision ahead of me, a decision many wouldn’t agree with, a decision many feel the need to shame people for. There were quite a few moments, where I told myself that maybe just maybe it was worth the risk, but in the end I knew in my heart what I had to do. I called my mom up, tears pouring down my face, and she met up with me at the park we used to like to walk at. We walked for quite a while as I weighed my options with her, as I worked through the emotional roller coaster I was now riding, as I came to terms with the decision I knew I had to make. We were always raised Pro-Choice in our house, as we understand that it is not our right to tell another woman what she should or should not have to do with her own body. So I knew no matter what decision I made, she would support me, but that didn’t make the decision any easier.

I went in for my procedure not long after that and it was excruciating, I have never felt a pain like that before, and I never want to again. That whole experience traumatized me for quite some time afterwards. I had difficult letting my future partners get to close to me, I began to fear sex, I dealt with a lot of shame, I dealt with a whirlwind of emotions as I healed from it. In the days after I had it done, I hardly left my bed and when I did it was to run to the bathroom. Even to this day, quite a few years later I think of it, but rather than the shame I once felt, I have found peace. For, I know that I made the right decision for me as well as that child and all parties involved. I know that what I did was brave in its own way, I know that there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I was lucky as my mother and the father of the child both were willing to support whatever decision I made.

The reason I struggled so much with my decision in the beginning is because we as women are taught that sex is bad, that masturbation is dirty, that our sole job is to reproduce. Society has taught us that when a woman has multiple partners she is a whore or a slut, but when a man has multiple he is congratulated. We are taught that we must cover ourselves up, that we must not show off our bodies, for we may give the boys the wrong idea, or we are inviting them to touch us. We are taught time after time that our bodies are not our own, when we put these ridiculous policies in place that strip women of their rights. When we teach our boys that is it the way the girl looks, dresses, or acts that is responsible for their urges not themselves, when we teach them to pass the blame onto us instead of how to control themselves and their own urges, when we let rapists go because of the social standing, when we try to discredit the victim rather than supporting them we take that power away from women. (I also understand men can be the victims of sexual assault too, but that is not the point of this piece, nor am I in anyway discrediting what male victims go through.) We as a society raise women to believe they must hid in the shadows, they must be meek, they must not be too sexy, too confident, too independent, or too opinionated. We raise woman to believe we as women must tear each other down, that life is a competition, that we are inferior unless we have children and husbands. We raise women to be fearful and ashamed of their own bodies, to judge others, to fear their power, to fear their sexuality.

Abortion is a hard enough choice for someone to make, without other people, especially other women making them feel like they did something wrong for it. NO ONE has the right to tell another person what they should or should not, what they can or cannot do with their own BODIES. You do not know their history, their health, and the reasons behind their decisions. You do not have to deal with the hormonal changes, with the physical changes, with the emotional changes they must go through during a pregnancy, nor do you have to deal with the changes after one. I do not care if you have been pregnant or have kids either, as each person’s body is different and may not be able to handle a pregnancy, each person has their own experiences which may make bringing a baby into this world unwise. Those women need more support than ever as they are going through some seriously heavy shit when dealing with an abortion. Of all the women I know who have had one, while not one of them regret their decision, they also struggled with it, because of the way in which we treat those who have had them. We need to have a more open dialogue and a safe space for women to talk about it. You would be surprised at how many women have had an abortion.

Getting raped or violated in any way is hard enough without people trying to discredit you, without people trying bullying you, without people making it your fault. NO MEANS NO. Whether it is spoken or not, it doesn’t take a rocket scientists to know when someone does and doesn’t want you. If heaven forbid, a woman gets pregnant from an assault, you have no right to SHAME her into keeping that child. Living with the aftermath of an assault is traumatizing enough, but then to have a reminder every day for at least 9 months is nearly unbearable.

To be a woman is far more difficult than man realize as the pressures and expectations which are placed upon us, can be so overwhelming, as we continually have our bodies, our rights, our thoughts, feelings, and identities violated and stripped away.

We need to STOP SHAMING women who do not have kids or who do not want kids
We need to STOP SHAMING women who have had abortions
We need to STOP SHAMING women who are vocal about their sexuality.
We need to STOP SHAMING into thinking things like masturbation and sex are dirty.

We need to stop putting policies in place that take the power and control away from a woman as to what she can and cannot do with her own body, policies that tax women for something they cannot control, policies that give companies the right to deny women access to birth control, access to the care they need. We need to teach women that they are beautiful, magnificent, Goddesses who are powerful beyond words. We need to teach women that their sexuality, that connecting with the bodies as a whole, that embracing what makes them unique is a beautiful thing.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

The Issues With Most Coaches & My Promise To My Clients

How many of you have participated in a webinar, or seen a landing page, or an ad from a life coach who promises you that they will give you “the secrets to success” “the keys to marketing”  “Take your life coaching business to the highest levels” or anything like that? They make such beautiful posts, posts which catch your attention and get you hooked, you excitedly give your email, you get ready for a breakthrough call, you set the time and date to watch their webinar, only to leave there feeling like you didn’t really learn anything? Only to wind up feeling like it was all just a giant sales pitch? To feel gypped in a way? Have y’all ever noticed how their pitches are all basically the same thing, the same layout/format?

As someone who has used several different coaching services, as someone who follows hundreds of coaches, it is a major pet peeve I have, it is something that I as a coach never want to do. As a coach, I never want anyone who uses any of my services, whether it be through a paid session, a webinar, visiting my blog, or anything like that, to leave feeling like they did not get any value, like I did not give them what I was promising to give them. I never want my clients to see my landing page and feel like they have seen the same thing 1000 times before, I never want them to feel obligated to pay for my bigger programs. I want to create content, programs, and services that tailor to everyone’s budget, that attract the people who will vibe with me as I will vibe with them. I want people to book my services because they like what I have to say, because they feel aligned to, because they feel a connection to me. For me, it isn’t about getting as many clients as I can, it is about finding the right clients, it is about helping those who actually want it, who need it, who are willing to put in the time and work. For me, it is about providing as much value as I possibly can on every level of my business from the blog all the way up to the $11,111 intensives. For me, it is about sharing my knowledge, my unique perspective with the world, it is about sharing my ups, my down, what has and hasn’t worked for me. It is about helping others find the same power within themselves, I have found within myself, it is about showing them that they have the power, they have the answers they seek, and they are the creators of their destiny, not I.

Too many times I see coaches promising the sun, the moon, the stars, and the entire galaxy, yet many fail to deliver it, or in order to get you there you have to pay $1,000s of dollars. I call BULLSHIT on that! No one can give you the sun, the moon, the stars, and the whole galaxy, no one has all the answers, there is no such thing as a get rich quick scheme that actually works.  I will not promise you that, but what I will promise you is that I will give you the tools, tips, tricks, and techniques that I myself use every single day, that have worked for me, that have brought me success. I cannot build the stairs to success for you, that part is up to you, I cannot give you the answers to the Universe, I cannot make you love yourself. What I can give you is the confidence to proceed in the directions of your dreams, what I can give you is the steps I took in learning to love myself, what I can give you is the tools you need to build your dream life, but you have to build it.  At the end of the day though, you have to be willing to dig deep, to get honest, to be vulnerable, and to set boundaries, to work smarter (not harder), to apply all that I give you, to put in the time and effort. I will not promise you that if you work with me, you will magically have $1,000’s in your bank account, that you will love yourself more fiercely than ever, that you will become this unstoppable warrior goddess. Don’t get me wrong either, I would love to help you achieve all of that and more, but whether or not you achieve that is ultimately up to you. What I do promise you is that I will support you in any way I can, I will give you a SHITTON of value, and I will share my knowledge with you. I promise I will not bombard you with tired old sales pitches, I will not make you read several paragraphs or pages to find the answers you seek, I will not make you pay thousands to get the value you seek.

This however, is not to say that I will not price my services accordingly either, or that I fault other coaches whose price points are higher, as we are giving you our time, our energy, our effort, we spend hours creating content, creating programs and intensives, we invest a lot into our clients, and we should be paid for that exchange. Please understand this is also in no way my insulting other coaches or the ways in which they run their businesses as that is what works for them, but it is not how I want to run mine. I do not want insanely long sales pages, the same regurgitated pitches and advertisements. This is rather my promise to my clients, what I have noticed about other coaches which has turned me off as a potential client, and my observations of what I feel could be done differently.

I am not like many people, I pride myself on that fact. I have been through so very much in my 30 years on this planet, which has in turn given me a very unique perspective. My life, while it has been anything but easy, has allowed to me to learn, to grow, to gain a deep level of empathy, of understanding for the struggles of others. It has shown me that no matter how many times life, society or others may try to tear you down, may try to break you, may try to dim your light, you can overcome anything, you can rebuild, you can shine your light so bright that you become a beacon for others. I won’t blow smoke up your ass, I won’t make you grandiose promises, I won’t waste your time, your money, or your energy. I say it like it is, I curse, I have strong opinions, I will not coddle you, I will not BULLSHIT you, and I will call you out. As a coach, I want to be your friend, but you also have friends who will tell what you want to hear, I will not tell you what you want to hear, but rather WHAT you need to hear. I will force you out of your comfort zone, I will test your limits, I will push you in front of your fears. I will not do this because I am callous, because I am vindictive, because I am uncaring, but because you’re paying me to help you change, to help you break through blocks, to shatter glass ceilings, to get rid of limiting beliefs. The way in which I do things, is not for everyone, and that is okay, I do not expect it to be that way. This is of course not to say, I will not be there for you to vent to, to talk to me about all the stresses going on in your life, to help you, because I am always there for friends and clients alike. I will give you a healthy dose of loving energy along with some tough love. Like everything here at The Unicorn Phoenix Goddess it is all about BALANCE. In life, the key to true success is finding the balance between being set in what you want, while also allowing the flow of the Universe to do its job, while being open to all possibilities. It is about setting healthy boundaries, it is about finding your voice, it is about unleashing your inner power. I can show you how to find that balance, I can show you how brilliant, powerful, amazing, beautiful, spectacular, and unstoppable you truly are. You just have to be open, willing to do some serious self-development & soul work, you have to be ready to work.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

 

What I Want People To Know About My Mental Health

I’ve see a ton of these posts and videos where people who live with various mental health say what they really want you to know. I have always loved the posts, always wanted to do one of my own, and finally decided to make my own version.

For those of you who do not know I live everyday with the following mental health diseases; Bipolar with schizo-affective disorder, borderline personality disorder (Yes, I have both Bipolar & BPD, although not common, it is possible to have both), PTSD, Anxiety in all its various forms, as well as a history of Anorexia.

Living each day with these diseases comes with it’s own unique set of struggles, of complications, of hurdles to overcome. I see my diseases as both a blessing and a curse. While I am exponentially better than I have ever been in the past, it doesn’t mean I do not still struggle with my diseases.

Things I want people to know about my mental health:

I feel everything so deeply, which means I will love you more fiercely than anyone else, but I will also feel sorrow so deep in my bones that I don’t have it in me to get out of bed some days.

I am one of the most understanding people in the world, but I also need constant reassurance.

I am sick, but I am not broken.

I do not need to be fixed, I just need to be loved, to be accepted, to be understood.

I can be crazy, neurotic, and many times irrational, but that doesn’t mean I am a bad person or that my feelings do not matter. They may be intensified by my diseases, but they are still valid feelings.

I over-analyze EVERYTHING and will constantly believe that you hate me, that you don’t want me in your life, that you’re leaving me that I am unworthy

I will have plenty of good days, but there will also be some bad days, days where you simply cannot reason with me, days where I just want to hide out and isolate from the world, days where the smallest things set me off. It is on those days I will need you the most, I will need your patience and understanding more than ever. It is on those days I will need you to hold me, to reassure me that you’re not going anywhere, that I matter, that I am loved, that I am not a burden.

I will drive you insane constantly asking you if you really love me, if you really want to be my friend, needing constant reminders that you want me in your life. I swear I am not trying to annoy you. My diseases have the innate ability at convincing me that no one loves me. BPD especially manifests itself in a severe form of abandonment issues. Which makes having relationships whether they are platonic or romantic quite difficult and can leave me feeling incredibly discouraged.

If I feel we are getting too close, too happy, too in love, to comfortable I will do everything in my power to push you away. It is in those moments I need you to stay, to comfort me, to not give up on me. As much as I do not want people to leave me, I will also try to bolt to protect myself from getting hurt.

My diseases are not your fault, they are not a reflection of you, they are not about you. Please understand that, on the days when I am being irrational, the days when I am being unreasonable, the days when it seems like everything things sets me off, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. While it can be difficult to not take it personally on those days, that is exactly what I need you to do. I know that I am being all of the things I listed above, but I can guarantee you I am already beating myself up far worse than you could ever, I am already aware of how bad, how irrational, how frustrating it is and I am being. It is on those days I need your love and support more than ever.

My anxiety makes even the most mundane of tasks feel overwhelming, feel impossible, feel insurmountable. Even something as simple as handing a cashier money feels like the most daunting task to me.

Big crowds or even having people over without my prior knowledge can and will send me into a panic attack. I need time to prepare myself, to gather the energy.

Being with someone like me, whether it is in the form of a friendship, a relationship, or any other form will not be without challenges, it will test your patience, it will frustrate beyond words, but you will also find a loyalty within me not found within most, you will find a deep love that will transcend you to unimaginable places, you will feel a level of deep empathy of understanding you never thought possible.

I know much of what I say and do doesn’t make sense to you, but it is what makes sense to me. It is how I manage to stay sane.

I know my coping skills can be a bit odd, but they truly help me. These help me process the world, my diseases and the fallout from them.

I know my diseases make life far more difficult, but they are just as much a part of me as the color of your skin, as the DNA flowing through your body.

There are plenty more in which I will add to as time progresses, but I feel like this is a great place to start.

Feel free to leave any of yours below in the comments!

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!