Shattering Societal Norms and Expectations

Earlier today I got to talking with a very good friend of mine about societal expectations vs reality, especially for those of us whose lives dwell somewhere on the mental health spectrum. We specifically were touching on work and sleep patterns, how society expects us to be one way, but how we are creating and living life on our own terms, in a way that not only works for us as people, but also within the confines and limitations of our mental health. Society has very strong opinions about how people should live their lives, we see it reflected every day in movies, media, posts online, within our families, and beyond.

For some they are in the mindset that having a college degree automatically sets you up for success, that somehow that degree makes you smarter, better, more reliable. However, for those of us with mental health, college may not always be the best avenue for success. Between the pressure and expenses of college, it can become very overwhelming very quickly. I am in no way knocking college nor am I denying the benefits of having a college degree, but rather saying a degree doesn’t necessarily guarantee you success. Several of my friends have various college degrees across many subjects, but few of them actually work in the fields in which they have those degrees for. Instead, they have mountains of debt, but are unable to enter their desired field due to various factors such as a lack of the necessary experience, an over saturation of prospects vs positions available, and more. Then there are those who work within their desired fields, but it is not enough to make ends meet, or they are working so much, they have little time for a life outside their jobs. I tried the college thing a few years ago, but mentally I wasn’t in the place to be dealing with the stress that comes from college. A part of me would love to go back to school, but the money required is a major hindrance for me, as I already have an exuberant amount of medical debt, as well as a lack of consistent income which I will touch on later in this post. Times are far different than when our grandparents or even our parents pursued higher education, as the cost of living and tuition have gone up significantly while the minimum wage hasn’t risen enough to account for the rise of expenses of everyday life

For others, they have the mindset if you are not working a full-time job, you are lazy, you are a plight on society, you are worthless. Yet, for those of us with health conditions, and even those without, there are a plethora of reasons for why we may not be working. For myself, and others who live with mental health and/or chronic illnesses, we are unable to work full time or even part time hours. Many of us have to rely on friends or family to survive, use programs such a SNAP/Welfare (which comes with its own strong opinions from society, we will touch on this later), or we have to start our own companies or get creative with ways to make money. I did the working full-time thing, for quite a while, I was even working 2 jobs at one point, but was still hardly able to afford my bills and worse I was putting my health in serious danger. Eventually after pushing myself so hard, after putting my health on the bottom of my list, I broke. I found myself in my mid 20s physically and emotionally broken and unable to work. I tried to apply for disability, since I live with severe mental health, but was denied more times than I could count. Despite having a lawyer and years’ worth of proof, they still kept denying me. I also applied for programs like SNAP and state insurance, but that only covered groceries and left me less than desirable options for doctors. That didn’t help me with my regular expenses like shampoo, conditioner, rent, etc. Then there were the comments and the looks you get anytime you pulled out your EBT card. People would scoff, they would call me lazy, they would say that I am abusing the system, they would tell me to just get a job like everyone else. So many more comments were made, but you get the idea. Then there are those who want to or even are able to work, but there are no jobs available for them. To which most people respond with, “Just move to an area with jobs,” yet they fail to grasp the fact that moving is expensive and it isn’t always a viable option.

Since, I stopped working in the manner in which society expects me to work, I have bounced from one work from home job/idea to another, with little to no success. I have had idea after idea for ways to create income, for businesses to start. I have even tried starting a few businesses but have once again have little to no success. You see, when for those of us who live with mental health or any chronic illness, we live life by a whole different set of rules. The never-ending struggle and battle is to find/create a job that works for us on both a monetary level, but also within the limitations our health conditions places upon us. To the outside observer, I may look flaky and unreliable, I may look flighty, I may look like I am unmotivated, or even lazy. Yet, few realize how hard I am working to create consistent income. Few take the time to understand, that each of these ideas, each of these attempts, each of these businesses are my efforts to create income. While they may fail or it may seem like I give up too quickly or easily, that is rarely the case. I have lived with my health for long enough and spent far too long getting myself to a more stable place emotionally and physically to risk my progress for a job/company that will ultimately do more harm than good. Initially the idea, may seem viable, but as time progresses, I may come to the conclusion that for one reason or another it isn’t actually as viable as I had hoped, predicted, or expected it to be.

For those of you, who wish to comment something along the lines of, “just suck it up and stick to something,” as I said above, I REFUSE to risk my well-being for money. I did that before, and it nearly cost me my life. I vowed to myself I would never do that, I would never put myself in those sorts of situations, I would never put money above my health. That, however, doesn’t mean I am giving up on creating consistent income either, as anyone who knows me, knows that I have an abundance of ideas for creating enough income to give me the financial independence I seek. I will exhaust every idea until I find one that works for me. There are also those who think, I am okay with my life like this, that I just sit on my ass all day doing nothing. Yet they do not understand how hard it can be to just get out of bed some days, they do not see the massive amounts of work I am doing on myself, on my health, on so many things. Many fail to realize just how exhausting life is with mental health, or even how much work it is to function more days. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I ENVISIONED FOR MYSELF, NOR AM I HAPPY WITH HAVING TO RELY SO HEAVILY ON OTHERS. What people do not see is the hours spent on my computer writing, working on business ideas, researching viable work from home jobs, working on myself and my health, growing, and more. Every single day I work towards my goals, even if some days they are small steps, even if I get knocked back several steps, even if I fail at one idea, I refuse to give up.

For others they have the mindset that if you sleep all day, once again you must be lazy, yet for many of us, especially once again with mental health ailments, sleep quite frequently alludes us. For many of us, like myself nighttime is when we are most active or when many of our diseases are at their worst depending upon the day. I personally have tried just about every remedy, idea, medication, and solution out there for getting consistent sleep, but sleep still alludes me a lot of days. I am far from lazy, but insomnia has always been a massive issue for me. For years, I have tried to force myself to get on a more “regular” or “acceptable” sleep schedule, to absolutely no avail. It may work for a few weeks or even a few months, but eventually I revert back to my wonky schedule. Most nights, I was/am lucky if I get an hour of sleep, which is spread throughout the night, depending upon the day. A few months back, I decided to stop fighting my sleep schedule, to give myself permission to find a sleep pattern that works for me, society be damned. Let me tell you, that was the best decision I have ever made. While, I may be sleeping my day away according to some, I am getting real consistent and restorative sleep for the first time in my life. By allowing myself to go with the flow of what works for me I am no longer fighting sleep, I am no longer forcing it. I find myself falling asleep easier and staying asleep. This is not to say there are not days where I still struggle either, but I am getting more sleep than I have had previously. Small steps in the right direction are something I will always take. Part of this is due to discovering a new CBD which helps to manage my pain, anxiety, PTSD and other health ailments while I sleep, but part of it is also due to allowing my body to work at its own schedule. Here’s a little fact for you as well, for those of us who are considered “night owls,” this is not on accident, but rather a leftover biological response to the times of cavemen. Back during those times, we had to have someone watching the village/livestock/family 24/7 to prevent attacks from others, from predators, etc. For those of us who find we work better during the night, we never fully evolved out of that mindset, that need to be awake to protect. While my sleep schedule may not be societally acceptable it is a schedule that works for me, far better than anything I have ever tried, and for me that is more important than anything.

Far too many years of my life, far too many days, far too many nights, were wasted worrying about what others thought, were wasted trying to fit within the limiting societal expectations, molds, and boxes. I spent so much time risking my health, my life, my peace of mind, and more trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. Little by little, I started fighting against those expectations, I started breaking free of the mold, I started making myself the priority. Over time, I have started caring a whole lot less about what people think of me, what they say about me, what they expect of me, and a hell of a lot more about what works for me, about what is right for me, about putting my health and well-being first and foremost. I’ve stopped trying to justify myself, the way I live my life to others, because quite frankly, I just don’t see the need in it. I still try to educate people, but I no longer take what they say or think so personally. I think that is the most difficult thing for all of us, but especially those with invisible, chronic, or mental health ailments. There is something incredibly freeing about not caring though.

As always my Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses/Gods,

I hope you have a magical day!

I Have Loved Many

I have loved many who did not deserve my love,

Many who did not return my love,

Many who did not need my love,

Many who did not understand love,

Many who feared love,

Many who did not love themselves…

But there was one whom I didn’t love,

One who needed my love,

One who deserved my love,

One who was crying out for my love,

One whose very existence was dependent upon my love,

One who, once I learned to love them, would never leave me….

I did not love the one who was most important,

The one whose love was exactly what I needed,

The one whose love was the answer I had been searching for all along,

The one whose love was the saving grace I had needed so desperately,

The one whose love was the key it all…

That one, was myself,

For you see,

We find it so easy to share our love with others,

To give them all of ourselves,

To love them unconditionally,

No matter how little they deserve it,

No matter how many reasons they give us to take it back,

No matter how much they hurt us,

No matter what,

We give them our love…

But, we rarely give ourselves that same love,

Instead we move onto the next partner,

In vain we hope and pray they will the one who changes it all,

They will be the one who returns our love,

They will be worthy and deserving of our love,

Yet, we still withhold that love from ourselves,

So things go great for a while,

Or by some miracle we do find someone who returns our love,

But along the way through their love we learn to love ourselves.

For many of us though, that is not the case,

For many of us, in order to find that love we crave,

We must first learn to get it from within…

To give it to ourselves,

We must explore the depths of our soul,

We must heal the wounds of our past,

We must lovingly run our hands over the parts of our bodies which we have deemed unworthy,

We must give ourselves the same loyalty and respect we give so freely to others….

Then, we invite the world back in,

Then, we venture back out,

Then, we give our love to others…

When we learn to love ourselves,

We attract those who deserve us,

Those who want to be with us,

Those who motivate us to be better,

Those who enrich our loves,

Those who we have been seeking all along…

As Always My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses,

I hope you have a Magical Day!

Becoming A BADASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN Who Also Still Believes in True Love

If y’all caught yesterday’s post then you know that I had been in a relationship that unfortunately has ended. During our brief time together that man made me feel such wonderful things, made me feel things no one had yet to make me feel, made me fall pretty quick and hard for him. Yet, more than that he gave me back something I had lost during my abusive marriage, during many of my previous relationships. He gave me back my belief in myself, in my value, in my worthiness, in my capacity to not only give but also to receive love. Our time together may not have been very long, but as I said in the previous post I will be forever grateful for it and I will love him always because of all that I received.

Yet, here is the one thing I struggle with, the one thing I see so many struggle with, men and women alike, but definitely more woman than men. It is something I have struggled with myself for many years. It is this strong desire to be the BADASS INDEPENEDENT WOMAN who ALSO has a LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, PARTNER. Yet, so many times it seems that people have this antiquated view that you cannot have both, that you must choose between yourself or having the partner and/or family you may be dreaming of. WELL once again I CALLL BULLSHIT on that.

It is not a matter of CHOOSING OURSELVES over LOVE…

It is not a matter of LOSING our independence to ANOTHER…

It is not a matter of GIVING UP OUR POWER to our PARTNER….

It is not a matter of SILENCING OUR VOICE to be lower than our SIGNICANT OTHER

It is not a matter of DIMMING OUR LIGHTS so that others may SHINE BRIGHTER….

But rather it is about UNDERSTANDING

Understanding that LOVE is the most POWERFUL CREATOR of all.

Understanding that one can have BOTH a DEEP LOVE for themselves as well as for another.

Understanding that we are not choosing, nor are we losing, but rather we are GAINING so very much.

Understanding that with the right person, our light will shine brighter, our voice will ring deeper, our message heard by more.

Understanding that we are not in any sort of way obligated to have a partner, but if you want one you can still be a BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

All that being said, for me right now, what I must learn to do, is to first become that BADDASS INDEPENDENT WOMAN. For, I am a serial relationship person, I do not do casual, nor are flings really my thing. I am the type to catch feelings pretty quick, which is of course exacerbated by my abilities to feel everything so deeply as a side effect from my battles with my mental health, as well as being an empath. Yet, I have never taken the time to foster that deep and intrinsic connection with myself. I have spent so much of my life in relationships, most of which were incredibly toxic, that I do not know how to be with myself, I do not know how to love, to appreciate, to accept myself. I have spent so many years forming my beliefs around myself, around my value, around my worth, based off of the ways in which my partners saw me, based off the partners I was or was not attracting. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I saw myself as unworthy, as unlovable, I found myself desperately seeking out any sort of partnership , no matter how wrong that person may or may not have been for me, I ignored warning signs & red flags, nor did I head the comments of others. I did all this so that I could feel valid, so that I could feel wanted, needed, loved. I did this because without a partner I saw myself as useless.

Society, has taught us that as woman that without a MAN (We still have a ways to go with accepting those who choose nontraditional partners, and I have had both male and female partners. The struggle is real and not based off gender either) we are LESS THAN, that we are somehow INFERIOR, that our value, our worth, or very existence is determined by and for the sole purpose of catching and keeping a man, of reproducing…. We are so brainwashed into believing that without said man we are somehow defective, that we are somehow broken. This then fosters an unhealthy need to find satisfaction, to find our worth, to find love from outside sources rather than from within. This sets women up to find love with partners who seek to control them, rather than help them grow, with partners who wish to take away their power rather than embrace it, with partners who seek to silence them rather than give them the mic in which to speak. We seek companionship in all the wrong places because we are not first taught how to love ourselves, we are not taught that our identity is not defined by a man or a lack thereof. We are not taught how to be strong, how to be independent, how to be BADASS, but rather we are taught that men prefer weakness, that no one wants an opinionated woman, that we must be meek, we must be our partners subservient rather than their equal. We are taught to seek out flaws in others, especially other women, we are taught that life is a competition, that we must step on others to get ahead. We are taught that our power doesn’t matter more than that of a man, that our dignity and sexuality is far less important than a man. We raise women to believe so little in themselves than admonish and shame them when they stay with abusive partners, when a man takes advantage of them, or when heaven forbid they try to break free from those expectations, when they do not want a family, nor do they need a partner to feel satisfied. We need to change that rhetoric….

Yet, being in a relationship was no more healthy for me than being out of one, as I gave all of myself to my partners, I allowed many of them to control me, to dictate my every thought process, to change me at my very core, I allowed them to change deep beliefs. I only saw myself as beautiful for as long as they did, my value was determined by the time and attention they were giving to me. When in a relationship, I give my partner unlimited love and support, many times at the detriment of myself, of my hopes, of my dreams, of my values, and of my feelings. I spend so much time uplifting them, of making them comfortable, of helping them achieve their dreams, that my own become a distant memory. Then next thing I know, they’re moving on with their lives and I am far worse than I was to begin with. So much of my identity has been defined by my partners that much of it is taken from me with the parting of each of them. In a relationship, I am no longer myself, but rather an extension of my partner.

Now is the time I RECLAIM my POWER as A WOMAN…

Now is the time I FOSTER my SELF-LOVE as a WOMAN

Now is the time I MAKE MYSELF the PRIORITY

Now is the time I DETERMINE & DEFINE my VALUE

Gone are the days of ALLOWING others to DICTATE my WORTH

Gone are the days of GIVING my ALL to those who sought to ABUSE IT

Gone are the days of FORGETTING all that I OFFER

Gone are the days of HELPING others grow, while putting myself LAST.

When the time is right, I shall put myself back out there, I shall find the partner who is worthy of me, of all that I have to offer, but for now I must focus on myself, I must ensure that I do not follow the same path I have for so many years now. All that I have been through, has not changed my belief or my desire to find true love, but has rather given me a deeper understanding of what true love actually means.

A

s Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

What To Most Would Appear to Be An End, Is But A New Beginning.

Very few people know this but for the last few weeks, I had been seeing someone, it was someone I never in a million years thought I would have any sort of chance with, it was someone from my past, it was the boy from high school (you know, the one that you had the massive crush on, but never actually tell them, the one you always wondered about), someone who had frequently been on my mind throughout the years, someone who I always felt drawn to. While things may not have worked out as either of us had intended or had hoped they would, I do not regret our time together, no matter how brief it may have been. I do not regret the feelings I now have for him, the things that I said, or the things I did. I will never regret the time we spent together, not just because I don’t believe in regrets, but because he helped me, in so many unimaginable ways.

For, it was through him, through this relationship I gained so much more than either of us could’ve expected. He showed me a love and respect, I had yet to receive from a partner in the past. He made me feel beautiful, brilliant, and important, where so many others had made me feel broken, made me feel inferior, made me feel like I was the last priority for them. He helped to show me that, despite the ways in which my ex-husband made me feel, the ways in which he broke me, the ways in which he made me believe no one else would love me, it was not only possible for me to find love again, but to find it with someone who was worthy of me and all that I have to offer. He showed me that I am not defined by the words, by the feelings, by the lies of my ex, but rather by the ways in which I have persevered, the ways in which I have taken all that I have endured and turned it into inspiration for others, he showed me that while I am far from perfect, I do not have to be. He showed me that I am worthy of so much more than I had ever realized, he showed me that I can find happiness, that I can attract the “right” partner. He gave so much to me in our very brief time together and for that I will be forever grateful, for that I will always love him.

While I am so very sad that it ended, I understand the reasons behind it, I do not fault or blame him for ending it as we both have some work to do on ourselves. I see the validity in the points in which he made, I see the work that we must both do. I am also a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it shall be, I do not believe in endings, as you never know where life may take you. He and I have found our way back into each other’s lives many times over the last several years to some capacity or another, I do not think there will ever be a point when we are not a part of each other’s lives to some degree or another. This is also not me saying that I am holding out hope for any sort of reconciliation or a future between us, but merely that I am not closing myself off to that possibility, nor am I opposed to it. What I do know is that while I may be exponentially better than I was a year or even 6 months ago, there is still much work to be done. I am still dealing with the fallout from my marriage, from the ending of it (heck we are still going through the divorce right now). I need to finish finding my voice, finding my identity, finding my independence. I need to finish getting comfortable just being with myself, with loving myself. I want to make sure that when I do find my next partner, I do not allow them to define me, to change me (at least not at my core, as some change is both good and needed at times). I want to make sure I do not allow my value or worth to depend upon them or the time and attention they do or do not give to me. I want to make sure that my life, my heart, my soul, are all where I want them to be. I want to make sure that when the time is right, I am able to attract the partner who is not only right for me, but also worthy of me as I am right and worthy of them.

I will say this though, that man will make some woman very happy one day and she will be incredibly lucky, as I got but a glimpse of what he is like to have as a partner and it was amazing. He has a lot to offer the world and I cannot wait to see him share his brilliance with the world. If he gives his next partner even a fraction of the love, the support, the understanding he gave to me, she will be the happiest person in the world. I wish nothing but the best for him, for his future, for wherever life may take him. I know that he will go very far in this life. As will I.

The ending of this has also confirmed something to me I have been debating for a few months now, I must head back up North, at least for a little while, not permanently. This is not something I am a particular fan of, as I have little desire to go back there,  but I understand the necessity for it. There are many doors I must close, chords I must cut, goodbyes I must say in order to finally be able to close the book on my life up there. I know as long as I still have things that bind me to there, I will never truly be able to move on with my life, I will never fully manifest my desires because I will still be holding onto the past. I also know it is not enough for me to simply say I am done with it, I must physically go up there to gain the closure I not only seek but also need. Much of my stuff is still scattered about between my storage unit, my ex’s, and a few other places plus my ex and I must finalize our divorce and I would much prefer to be present for the whole process as I no longer trust things will be as amicable as we had originally hoped. When I left Jersey, my intention was not to move, at least not right away. I was only supposed to visit my friend in Georgia, then go back to Jersey, finalize my divorce, say goodbye to my friends, to my family, and move with my stuff to my next destination wherever that was to be. Yet, instead I wound up moving there, with very little of my stuff, with never having said goodbye to anyone, and my marriage in a weird state of confusion. So soon is the time for me to do this the right way, the way I should have from the beginning.

I know in my heart that while I love Florida, I love the life I have created here, I love the woman I have become here, I must return to Jersey. Where I go after that is up in the air as well, as much as I love Florida, I do not feel it is my forever home. What I do know is, these next several months are about me, about truly gaining my independence, about gaining real closure, about moving on with my life. My vow to myself here and now is to spend the next several months, just being with myself, learning to love myself rather than looking for that love within a partner, learning to accept myself rather comparing myself to others. My vow is that I will give myself the time and the space to truly heal, to move on, to become the best possible version of myself, to do the soul work I need to do. My vow to myself is that I will foster such a deep love for myself that it will not be shaken or shattered by the thoughts or opinions of others. My vow is that I will spend much needed time on retrospection, on growth, on the things in which I always put on the back burner. My vow is that I will make myself, my health, my life, my soul, my work, my self-care my biggest priority. My vow is to make me the primary focus for once.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

Our Bodies Are Not Our Own…. But They Should Be!

I am not one to typically talk about political issues often on public forums such as this, but as a woman the current directions of the policies affects me directly. So we are going to talk about a very hot button and personal issue for me, but it is something I feel incredibly passionate about. I had made a video about part of this subject on my personal Facebook page many months ago, and was honestly shocked at the love and support I received. As a woman, for the first time in a very long time I am honestly terrified for my safety, as my rights and those of other women are being threatened in my country. Things like Planned Parenthood and rulings like Roe VS Wade gives women a safe place to get the medical care and attention they need and deserve, but now all of that may be stripped away from us. Do people so easily forget about when girls were having babies at prom and dumping them down the toilet or leaving them in dumpsters? Do they not remember the horror stories of coat hanger abortions? Do they not realize that by defunding programs like Planned Parenthood, like overturning Roe VS. Wade they are not going to prevent abortions, but rather put more lives at risk? Do they not understand that by doing all this they prevent women from having access to birth control, to safe spaces where they can learn about their bodies, the changes that occur, and the complications that come from being a woman?

That being said, I understand we all have our own opinions, our own experiences, our own paths and journeys in which we are embarking upon, and I respect everyone’s rights to their opinions, to their feelings, to their perspectives, all I ask is that others show me the same level of respect. I am not under the impression that everyone will agree with my thoughts or opinions, but we are all adults and should take time to step out of ourselves, out of our own ego and try to understand the reasons behind others choices.

Deep breaths, here we go…. Please understand this, like many of my posts, is incredibly hard for me to make, and this is about much more than just abortion, this is about women’s rights as a whole. I had an abortion, when I was 26… Y’all need to understand something here that was by far one of the most heartbreaking and hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. While, I do not in any way regret my decision that does not mean it was an easy one to deal with. It is a decision I did not and still do not take lightly, it is one I have thought about many times over.

A little backstory for y’all, having kids biologically that I carry in my own belly is not an option for me, I was informed of this fact many years ago, and while it broke my heart when I found out, I learned to live with that reality, I accepted it and told myself I would adopt. It is far too risky for my health as well as for any potential child for me to even consider having one. Outside of those risks, as someone who lives with pretty severe mental health issues, that adds a whole new level of risk for complications during and post pregnancy. The chances of me carrying the child to full term without myself and or the child losing our lives are incredibly slim and those are not a risks I am willing to take. While I do not take birth control, as my body very severely adversely reacts to the hormones, I do take proper precautions when having sex, but you can’t control everything. Having my tubes tied, while I wish I could find a doctor willing to do it, also isn’t an option until I am 35. I also have a very firm belief that women should have access to ALL of the medical care they need, whether it be birth control, safe abortions, treatment for STD’s, and more.

I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant, I could feel it, I didn’t need some test (although, I still took one) and I was devastated to say the least. It was hard enough learning that I would never be able to carry a child of my own all those years before, but then to find out I was pregnant only made that pain that much worse. I knew I had a decision ahead of me, a decision many wouldn’t agree with, a decision many feel the need to shame people for. There were quite a few moments, where I told myself that maybe just maybe it was worth the risk, but in the end I knew in my heart what I had to do. I called my mom up, tears pouring down my face, and she met up with me at the park we used to like to walk at. We walked for quite a while as I weighed my options with her, as I worked through the emotional roller coaster I was now riding, as I came to terms with the decision I knew I had to make. We were always raised Pro-Choice in our house, as we understand that it is not our right to tell another woman what she should or should not have to do with her own body. So I knew no matter what decision I made, she would support me, but that didn’t make the decision any easier.

I went in for my procedure not long after that and it was excruciating, I have never felt a pain like that before, and I never want to again. That whole experience traumatized me for quite some time afterwards. I had difficult letting my future partners get to close to me, I began to fear sex, I dealt with a lot of shame, I dealt with a whirlwind of emotions as I healed from it. In the days after I had it done, I hardly left my bed and when I did it was to run to the bathroom. Even to this day, quite a few years later I think of it, but rather than the shame I once felt, I have found peace. For, I know that I made the right decision for me as well as that child and all parties involved. I know that what I did was brave in its own way, I know that there is nothing for me to be ashamed of. I was lucky as my mother and the father of the child both were willing to support whatever decision I made.

The reason I struggled so much with my decision in the beginning is because we as women are taught that sex is bad, that masturbation is dirty, that our sole job is to reproduce. Society has taught us that when a woman has multiple partners she is a whore or a slut, but when a man has multiple he is congratulated. We are taught that we must cover ourselves up, that we must not show off our bodies, for we may give the boys the wrong idea, or we are inviting them to touch us. We are taught time after time that our bodies are not our own, when we put these ridiculous policies in place that strip women of their rights. When we teach our boys that is it the way the girl looks, dresses, or acts that is responsible for their urges not themselves, when we teach them to pass the blame onto us instead of how to control themselves and their own urges, when we let rapists go because of the social standing, when we try to discredit the victim rather than supporting them we take that power away from women. (I also understand men can be the victims of sexual assault too, but that is not the point of this piece, nor am I in anyway discrediting what male victims go through.) We as a society raise women to believe they must hid in the shadows, they must be meek, they must not be too sexy, too confident, too independent, or too opinionated. We raise woman to believe we as women must tear each other down, that life is a competition, that we are inferior unless we have children and husbands. We raise women to be fearful and ashamed of their own bodies, to judge others, to fear their power, to fear their sexuality.

Abortion is a hard enough choice for someone to make, without other people, especially other women making them feel like they did something wrong for it. NO ONE has the right to tell another person what they should or should not, what they can or cannot do with their own BODIES. You do not know their history, their health, and the reasons behind their decisions. You do not have to deal with the hormonal changes, with the physical changes, with the emotional changes they must go through during a pregnancy, nor do you have to deal with the changes after one. I do not care if you have been pregnant or have kids either, as each person’s body is different and may not be able to handle a pregnancy, each person has their own experiences which may make bringing a baby into this world unwise. Those women need more support than ever as they are going through some seriously heavy shit when dealing with an abortion. Of all the women I know who have had one, while not one of them regret their decision, they also struggled with it, because of the way in which we treat those who have had them. We need to have a more open dialogue and a safe space for women to talk about it. You would be surprised at how many women have had an abortion.

Getting raped or violated in any way is hard enough without people trying to discredit you, without people trying bullying you, without people making it your fault. NO MEANS NO. Whether it is spoken or not, it doesn’t take a rocket scientists to know when someone does and doesn’t want you. If heaven forbid, a woman gets pregnant from an assault, you have no right to SHAME her into keeping that child. Living with the aftermath of an assault is traumatizing enough, but then to have a reminder every day for at least 9 months is nearly unbearable.

To be a woman is far more difficult than man realize as the pressures and expectations which are placed upon us, can be so overwhelming, as we continually have our bodies, our rights, our thoughts, feelings, and identities violated and stripped away.

We need to STOP SHAMING women who do not have kids or who do not want kids
We need to STOP SHAMING women who have had abortions
We need to STOP SHAMING women who are vocal about their sexuality.
We need to STOP SHAMING into thinking things like masturbation and sex are dirty.

We need to stop putting policies in place that take the power and control away from a woman as to what she can and cannot do with her own body, policies that tax women for something they cannot control, policies that give companies the right to deny women access to birth control, access to the care they need. We need to teach women that they are beautiful, magnificent, Goddesses who are powerful beyond words. We need to teach women that their sexuality, that connecting with the bodies as a whole, that embracing what makes them unique is a beautiful thing.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

We are NOT Unworthy!

Our past, the relationship with our parents, with previous partners, with friends, with ourselves define so much of who we are, of who we become, it defines the ways in which we see ourselves, the ways in we speak about ourselves, the ways in which we perceive the world, the ways in which we interact with others, it becomes a part of our very soul. Many times these lead to deep seeded feelings of unworthiness, of being unlovable, of powerlessness, of fear, of so many terrible things. After time we start to believe these projections of the insecurities of others, the times we were abused, the times we were made to feel broken, made to feel invisible, made to feel like a burden, made to feel underserving, the times we were spoken down to, the times our power was stripped from us, all the horrible things we have endured become a part of our identity. We take all of that from relationship to relationship, from childhood to adulthood, from friendship to friendship, we allow it to define us, we lose sight of our value, we forget our magnificence, we dim our lights, we build up walls, we send the wrong messages to the Universe.

Feelings of unworthiness do not simply happen overnight, they are created from years of abuse, years of being told you are too much this or too much that, years of people tearing you down, years of people breaking you, years of harsh words, years of so much trauma, so much pain, so much turmoil. But, we have the POWER to change the effects of that, to break that cycle, to heal, to recover, and to discover our love for ourselves again. We have a choice to how long we allow that to control us. Life always presents us with choice and we as humans have this amazing thing called Free Will, which means at any point you can decide that enough is enough and choose to change. I am not saying this will be an easy journey, for undoing years of negativity, of anguish, of feeding yourself these lies will take time, it will require some serious work on your part, there will be set backs, and even when you have made progress, you will find moments where you still need to make improvements, but it can be done.

For me, it started with removing toxic people and toxic situations from my life, for I understood that as long as I kept myself in that sort of negative environment I would never truly be able to escape, I wouldn’t be able to grow, to change. Let me tell y’all that was not easy by any means, because it meant leaving my marriage, leaving my friends, leaving my family, leaving my entire life behind, it meant leaving what was left of my support system. In the weeks after I began cutting out the toxicity I could feel myself finally being able to breathe again, I could feel myself finding myself again, I could feel my fire starting to roar back to life, I could feel my power seeping back into me, this was of course little by little, but progress was still progress. As time progressed, I felt myself growing, I felt the vice grips that once suffocated me loosening, I could feel my inner goddess itching to be free. But I was SCARED, I was still so scared, to let her out, to step into my power, so I regressed back into my hole of self-loathing, of negative self-talk, and of self-sabotage. I wrapped myself up in a blanket of the lies I had been working so hard to forget, I allowed the demons I had fought so valiantly to regain their power positions, I took solace in the darkness and dimmed the light I had built, I allowed the weeds of self-doubt to take over my garden once more. I allowed myself to fall back into my old patterns, I let that vicious inner voice drone on and on for months, as I sank further into my castle of self-hatred, of feeling unworthy, of feeling sorry for myself.

You never truly realize how much all those words, all that you have endured affects you until it has taken over you, until you are sitting there alone at night bawling your eyes out, until you take time to stop and really listen the way in which you speak about yourself, until you pay attention to how you react when others compliment you, until you find yourself wanting so desperately to escape, but then running scared when you start to taste that freedom. But, I had to change, I knew it with every fiber of my being, I knew this was not who I truly was, I knew I had to face all the pain and really allow myself to work through it, I had to face the demons and slay them one by one once and for all, I had to stop speaking such venomous words about myself, I had to get comfortable with being myself, I had to and still have a lot of work to do.

With the toxic people and toxic situations behind me, with a newfound determination to face my fears head on, with a renewed vigor for true progress I delved into mantras, into journaling, into discovering myself. I trudged through the trenches of despair, hacked at the bushes of anger, and hiked the mountain of self-sabotage. When I arrived at the top, before me I saw all of my potential, all that I had forgotten, and all that I had yet to discover. Along the way I saw the strength I had gained from all I had endured, I found my voice amidst the screams and echoes of those who tried to silence me, I recited mantra after mantra until I started to believe them as reality, I realized all the amazing value I had to give to the world. I finally started to open my heart to love, to open myself up to the Goddess within, to be proud of who I was, of all that I had accomplished, of what I had to give.

For me, that realization hits me, a bit more each day, as I delve further into this journey of self-development, of self-love, of soul work. Each time I think I have worked through it, each time I feel like I have found my acceptance for myself, each time I think I have moved on, I have healed the wounds from my past, I am reminded that there is still work to be done. This is becoming especially evident in recent weeks, with all that I have been learning about people from my past, about myself, and with my current status in life. Each day I discover more stuff which I need to work through, I find areas where I still struggle with my worthiness. Yet, unlike before I refuse to run and hide, to make myself small, to fall back into my own patterns. Instead I choose to work through it, to deal with it, to change my mindset.

For the first time in my adult dating life and honestly, in my dating life as a whole, I have found and am with a partner who respects me, who sees all of me, who doesn’t judge me, who makes me feel worthy, who makes me feel beautiful, who makes me feel like what I say matters, who makes me feel intelligent, who makes me feel the way that so many others should have made me feel, but never did. I have a partner who sees the darkness within me, who experiences the mood swings that come with my battles with mental health diseases, who knows of the wounds of my past, and rather than shaming me for it all, rather than adding to my pain, rather than belittling me, he instead embraces it. He allows his light to shine on my darkness, he gives me understanding and patience when my mood fluctuates, and he caresses my wounds with words of comfort, of empathy, of healing. I am lucky, but I also know that the reason he came into my life when he did, is because I changed the way in which I view myself, the way in which I speak to and about myself, the message I send to the Universe.

This is of course not to say, that I do not still struggle with those feelings, but rather that I now have the tools and support to deal with them when they come up. The entire reason this post came about was because some of those insecurities, of those feelings of unworthiness came rearing their ugly heads during the end of our conversation last night. He did nothing wrong, but the wounds of our past are not so easily forgotten. They still plague me, as we get further into our relationship, as I adjust to actually being treated with respect in a relationship. To me, the ways in which he treats me are so foreign to me, I am unware of how to react, of how to handle it, I still find myself looking for something wrong, questioning everything, fearing getting to close. But, I do realize he is sincere in his affections for me, he truly does love and respect me, so instead of allowing them to win as I have so many times before, instead of silencing my feelings, I was honest with him and myself about how I was feeling and decided to write it all out, so that I could work through it, so that I could overcome it, so that it wouldn’t consume me. Now here we are at the end of the post and I feel in a much better place than I did when I first started this post. I realize these feelings will always be a part of me, but at the end of the day I know my value, my worth, and I honestly do love myself, and I take great comfort in knowing that I have someone who loves me too…

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!

The Issues With Most Coaches & My Promise To My Clients

How many of you have participated in a webinar, or seen a landing page, or an ad from a life coach who promises you that they will give you “the secrets to success” “the keys to marketing”  “Take your life coaching business to the highest levels” or anything like that? They make such beautiful posts, posts which catch your attention and get you hooked, you excitedly give your email, you get ready for a breakthrough call, you set the time and date to watch their webinar, only to leave there feeling like you didn’t really learn anything? Only to wind up feeling like it was all just a giant sales pitch? To feel gypped in a way? Have y’all ever noticed how their pitches are all basically the same thing, the same layout/format?

As someone who has used several different coaching services, as someone who follows hundreds of coaches, it is a major pet peeve I have, it is something that I as a coach never want to do. As a coach, I never want anyone who uses any of my services, whether it be through a paid session, a webinar, visiting my blog, or anything like that, to leave feeling like they did not get any value, like I did not give them what I was promising to give them. I never want my clients to see my landing page and feel like they have seen the same thing 1000 times before, I never want them to feel obligated to pay for my bigger programs. I want to create content, programs, and services that tailor to everyone’s budget, that attract the people who will vibe with me as I will vibe with them. I want people to book my services because they like what I have to say, because they feel aligned to, because they feel a connection to me. For me, it isn’t about getting as many clients as I can, it is about finding the right clients, it is about helping those who actually want it, who need it, who are willing to put in the time and work. For me, it is about providing as much value as I possibly can on every level of my business from the blog all the way up to the $11,111 intensives. For me, it is about sharing my knowledge, my unique perspective with the world, it is about sharing my ups, my down, what has and hasn’t worked for me. It is about helping others find the same power within themselves, I have found within myself, it is about showing them that they have the power, they have the answers they seek, and they are the creators of their destiny, not I.

Too many times I see coaches promising the sun, the moon, the stars, and the entire galaxy, yet many fail to deliver it, or in order to get you there you have to pay $1,000s of dollars. I call BULLSHIT on that! No one can give you the sun, the moon, the stars, and the whole galaxy, no one has all the answers, there is no such thing as a get rich quick scheme that actually works.  I will not promise you that, but what I will promise you is that I will give you the tools, tips, tricks, and techniques that I myself use every single day, that have worked for me, that have brought me success. I cannot build the stairs to success for you, that part is up to you, I cannot give you the answers to the Universe, I cannot make you love yourself. What I can give you is the confidence to proceed in the directions of your dreams, what I can give you is the steps I took in learning to love myself, what I can give you is the tools you need to build your dream life, but you have to build it.  At the end of the day though, you have to be willing to dig deep, to get honest, to be vulnerable, and to set boundaries, to work smarter (not harder), to apply all that I give you, to put in the time and effort. I will not promise you that if you work with me, you will magically have $1,000’s in your bank account, that you will love yourself more fiercely than ever, that you will become this unstoppable warrior goddess. Don’t get me wrong either, I would love to help you achieve all of that and more, but whether or not you achieve that is ultimately up to you. What I do promise you is that I will support you in any way I can, I will give you a SHITTON of value, and I will share my knowledge with you. I promise I will not bombard you with tired old sales pitches, I will not make you read several paragraphs or pages to find the answers you seek, I will not make you pay thousands to get the value you seek.

This however, is not to say that I will not price my services accordingly either, or that I fault other coaches whose price points are higher, as we are giving you our time, our energy, our effort, we spend hours creating content, creating programs and intensives, we invest a lot into our clients, and we should be paid for that exchange. Please understand this is also in no way my insulting other coaches or the ways in which they run their businesses as that is what works for them, but it is not how I want to run mine. I do not want insanely long sales pages, the same regurgitated pitches and advertisements. This is rather my promise to my clients, what I have noticed about other coaches which has turned me off as a potential client, and my observations of what I feel could be done differently.

I am not like many people, I pride myself on that fact. I have been through so very much in my 30 years on this planet, which has in turn given me a very unique perspective. My life, while it has been anything but easy, has allowed to me to learn, to grow, to gain a deep level of empathy, of understanding for the struggles of others. It has shown me that no matter how many times life, society or others may try to tear you down, may try to break you, may try to dim your light, you can overcome anything, you can rebuild, you can shine your light so bright that you become a beacon for others. I won’t blow smoke up your ass, I won’t make you grandiose promises, I won’t waste your time, your money, or your energy. I say it like it is, I curse, I have strong opinions, I will not coddle you, I will not BULLSHIT you, and I will call you out. As a coach, I want to be your friend, but you also have friends who will tell what you want to hear, I will not tell you what you want to hear, but rather WHAT you need to hear. I will force you out of your comfort zone, I will test your limits, I will push you in front of your fears. I will not do this because I am callous, because I am vindictive, because I am uncaring, but because you’re paying me to help you change, to help you break through blocks, to shatter glass ceilings, to get rid of limiting beliefs. The way in which I do things, is not for everyone, and that is okay, I do not expect it to be that way. This is of course not to say, I will not be there for you to vent to, to talk to me about all the stresses going on in your life, to help you, because I am always there for friends and clients alike. I will give you a healthy dose of loving energy along with some tough love. Like everything here at The Unicorn Phoenix Goddess it is all about BALANCE. In life, the key to true success is finding the balance between being set in what you want, while also allowing the flow of the Universe to do its job, while being open to all possibilities. It is about setting healthy boundaries, it is about finding your voice, it is about unleashing your inner power. I can show you how to find that balance, I can show you how brilliant, powerful, amazing, beautiful, spectacular, and unstoppable you truly are. You just have to be open, willing to do some serious self-development & soul work, you have to be ready to work.

As Always,

My Beautiful Badass Unicorn Phoenix Goddesses I Hope You Have A Magical Day!